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  • #80442
    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi, just wanting other peoples perspetives/advice as i feel like i’m going mad.
    Anyway here goes. Me and my partner have been together for 2 years, when we first started our relationship everything was going great, we were so close and he was very open with his feelings. In the past year i have noticed a lot of changes with how he now is with me. He rarely just goes to kiss me like the start and never holds my hand or tells me he loves me anymore unless its through a message and i’ve said it first. I’ve got to be quite stubborn with this and have stopped doing these things back which probably makes it worse for us. He seems to just be silent when i talk to him too, its like he’s uninterested sometimes but he just says he’s ‘listening’ we’ve also stopped doing anything nice like going out for meals ect cause hes so into saving for a place for us which is great but at the same time it gets saming. I’ve tried talking to him but i get told i’m being silly by getting upset by the lack of closeness and that we’ve been together for 2 years now so people get comfortable and that if he didn’t want to be with me he wouldn’t be saving for a house with me. He says he struggles with his feelings and finds i hard to now express his feelings and he is like it with his family – which i’ve noticed. I just don’t know how to feel. I don’t feel very wanted but at the same time i don’t want to seem like i’m nagging constantly. I’ve started having huge doubts and i’m just wondering if i’m being silly when he finds it hard to express himself? Any advice on this would be great xx

    #80445
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisa15:

    I don’t think you are being silly for feeling what you are feeling. I believe it is healthy for you to take your feelings seriously because they carry important messages that need to be figured out- what are the messages? The obvious: you need more physical affection from him, you need him to pay more attention to you like he used to. In other words, you need to be loved. Nothing silly about that!

    About the changes in his behavior” at first I thought as i was in the process of reading your post, that he was not interested in having a relationship with you, that he is withdrawing and thinking of a way out (isn’t it what you thought too, or still do sometimes?) But when I read that he is saving for a house to live in with you, that didn’t fit with my first assumption.

    So I am thinking of possibilities as to why the changes occured and what is next. I am thinking, maybe at first he was euphoric, feeling really good falling in love with you and in that euphoria the regular problems in life took a back seat, they didn’t seem so important, problematic or overwhelming. Then the euphoria subsided, and the regular problems in life (money for one) grew back to their original magnitude, seeming problematic, and at times, maybe, overwhelming. In that problematic, overwhelming state of his mind, he doesn’t have the euphoric fuel that motivated him to kiss you and attend to you. He is engaged in other thoughts (money for one, I assume).

    Can you check with him if this is so by asking him what it is he is thinking about or – since you probably already did- pay more attention to his answers so to figure out. Maybe you are so attached to your need for affection as you talk to him that you don’t hear some or even much of what he is saying, looking for signs, maybe, that he doesn’t love you anymore, having a tunnel – hearing thing about what he is saying, and not hearing some impportant stuff that needs to be heard.

    Maybe he needs attention from you that he is not getting- the paying of attention to what troubles him. If you attend to him- maybe he will get access to that fuel that fueled his shows of affection to you.

    I hope you consider this, experiment with this (new listening ears?) and write more in here…

    anita

    #80511
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thanks so much for the advice. It’s good to see someone else’s view of the situation. I’m just struggling with my emotions at the minute & missing the closeness. I just notice little things like the way he backs off when i go to kiss him. Like you say if it wasn’t for saving for a house together i would think differently thats why i’m so confused. At the moment i don’t even want to share a house with someone who can’t even be open with me and towards my feelings & now i’m worrying how to tell him this as he’s working so hard for the house It’s hard to explained myself to him without him saying stop being silly and it never been mentioned again. Part of me knows he loves me but part of me can’t understand this behavior. Maybe i worry too much!

    #80517
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Hi again Lisa, I’ll let you and Anita continue your conversation, but I just wanted to add a different angle, in line with my response to your other thread (regarding depression).

    I think becoming who you are, and finding strength in your own true voice will go a long way toward attracting the right partner, rather than someone who you’re unsure of. I’m not saying you’re clingy or needy, but in case you are, that might make him pull back. The more you’re trying to get love from him the more he’ll pull back. Yes, of course, needing love is a valid need – not silly at all! But if you can find your own center, love yourself first, you won’t have a need to cling to someone else. The right person (whether it’s your current partner, or someone else) will come for the right reasons – respect and love.

    In my mind, both your depression and uncertainty about love could be pointing to an inner need to know your true self. If I were in your shoes, that’s where I’d start putting more focus – not on what’s wrong, but find out what’s right, and true, and genuine and authentically you! Once you peel back all these outer layers that are distracting you, you’ll find the deepest, purest, golden self that’s You.

    Or as Dr Seuss says, “There is no one alive who is Youer than You” 🙂

    I hope this helps!
    Namaste, Saiisha

    #80519
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Saiisha. It’s like a breath of fresh air hearing other perspectives. It is really helpful. I don’t know how i feel at the moment. I completely agree with you though i do need to start on focusing trying to like myself more. I think sometimes i do put my happiness into other peoples hands and think i can’t decide anything alone. I thought i’d overcome my anxiousness but lately its at a peak and i think its because i’m so unsure about everything. In my mind i strive for perfection within everything.

    #80520
    Saiisha
    Participant

    I’m so glad you’re starting to feel better about yourself Lisa. I’d love to hear how you’re doing in 29 days!

    #80686
    turquoise115
    Participant

    I wanted to chime in from a mans perspective who was once guilty of the same behavior as your partner. I can only speak of my experience but I was working, providing a life and home for my family and we men hunker down. I lost my passion and was getting very little joy out of anything. I wasn’t alive anymore and my wife felt it. I was cold and reactive and did not bring any energy or love to our relationship. I was dead inside and couldn’t even see it. I wasn’t happy and it had nothing to do with my partner. Maybe you can ask him and encourage him to find his own happiness again. Real relationships are tough and have highs and lows. Reach out to him with real love and give him the space to feel alive and you will benefit.

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