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Self Defensive Attitudes

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  • #53136
    BRUNO
    Participant

    It is too easy to misread things early on in any relationship.Sometimes it’s past relationships which are to blame.

    I came across a genuine person who had a very charming demeanor which was very real but which I assumed or interpreted to be fake or put on.It was self defense, not wanting to be mislead.

    She was very clear in doing and saying the right things which i took to be a sign of her having played the filed but in all truth just makes practical sense.it would have been insulting to me and again it was self defense, not wanting to be played.

    I launched a few tirades aimed at her , though not directly, because of potentially feeling hurt or getting hurt, probably not the case but being self defensive made it worse.

    What was truly genuine to begin with has become clouded and estranged to the point that it is not healthy neither to persist nor to have a future prospect of recovery.So be it if it must for the sake of not hurting the other or ourselves anymore or in any way.Lament the loss on both sides I presume.Maybe f things go wrong it is also for the better sometimes.

    My only point here is that i probably ruined a healthy if only friendly relationship not out of fear which can be justified but from developing a self defensive attitude towards anything I assumed to be hostile-Now it’s easy to say grow a thicker skin but in a relationship it is possible to have the wool pulled over one’s eyes sooo.. I have decided that being aware of the dangers when entering a relationship, the fear of being hurt or betrayed, the unwillingness to show or worst traits or have them brought to light etc is only a part of the wider picture and that real self defense resides in rising above ourselves on each occasion and finding better ways to deal with what once caused us to retreat.Only then can we grow and be more confident.

    #53138
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    There is kind of a very simple way to deal with the fears and defensiveness: just take a moment longer to reflect on the situation.

    Let’s say that you meet a person who triggers some fear in you. You can immediately go on the defense and say or do something which makes you feel like you are in control of the situation. In reality though, you’re allowing your fears to take control. The fear will arise, you can’t control that, but you can control how you react to that fear. Another person also doesn’t have control over you, even if you allow them to act according to who they are. Saying hello to someone doesn’t mean anything else than saying hello. Just like listening to another person doesn’t mean that their thoughts have now invaded your body and will take over. Relax, take a deep breath and just pay attention to what is happening. Pay attention to your own boundaries. If someone starts to walk all over your boundaries, you can end it in a peaceful manner. If someone tries to control you, you can simply say “no”. There is no need to lash back at them. But you do need to be aware of your boundaries and have some control over yourself. That is enough. The whole world can erupt into chaos and you can be fine if you maintain peace within your own boundaries. Other people can’t force you to let go of your peace and boundaries. You have the power over that.

    #53148
    BRUNO
    Participant

    thank you- it is very helpful advice, I tend to be very quick about everything I do, maybe ot would help to try and just slow the clock down, 10 notches should do!

    #53157
    Chad
    Participant

    I agree with the ruminant, defensiveness is tied into our primal brain. Our immediate reaction is to preserve ourselves. Since we are humans with more capacity to understand who we are. Our defenses not only trigger to preserve our physical self, but our sense of self as well. So if someone is attempting to attack you on an emotional level. The same instinct that says run from a lion, triggers and takes control of your reaction to this emotional attack as well.

    The primal brain is much more powerful than the logical. In some situations when the threat is a continued or irrational one. The primal brain will hijack your logical brain to reconcile the disparity to convince you yes in deed it is a legit threat, yes we need to be worried. However if you consider yourself a fairly emotionally balanced person. Time to allow the initial threat to dissolve, your primal brain will go dormant ceding control back to your logical self who will react in a more appropriate, level headed manner.

    I try my best to understand this about myself. I try my best not to react off the cuff. However allow the jury of 12 in my head time to consider the totality of the circumstances, and seek alternate perspectives, to ensure my reaction is on point and solely to the content not the emotion it caused before acting. The worst decisions we make are in the moment, because we are not allowing this process to occur and we are allowing our animal instincts which are maladapted to handle emotional threats to control us.

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