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Something that I needed.

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  • #41151
    Carlos J
    Participant

    Hello there,

    I recently joined this forum in hopes of making any progress on how I feel lately. In all my 21 years I’ve never felt like I’ve hit rock bottom like now. Everything is making me react in a sensitive way. I feel like the worst thing in the world right now. Yes, a thing not even a human.

    I am dealing with the loss of a special someone right now. I’ve lost people to death before but this person….He’s not even dead but it feels so much worse.

    To start from the beginning you could say that I was never given a childhood. I was an extremely sick kid who only lived in hospitals and could never go out, run, get dirty in the mud and so much more things that I wish I could have done and I was aware of this. Since I was a little kid I developed a different view on the world which didn’t include me in it. Like I was some sort of spectator. I was not part of growing up in laughter but rather painful injections and surgeries.

    Even tho I got better later on my struggle didn’t end there. Religion was next. My parents turned fanatic of religion and I that’s when I started feeling anxiety for the first time in my life. Yes, at the age of 6 I knew what anxiety was and I knew I had it. It was an awful struggle until I was 18 to be forced into a religion where birthdays didn’t exist, no Christmas were given and I couldn’t make any friends outside the religion. I hated it and I hated my life because of it. i became antisocial and I was extremely resentful of my parents because of that.

    Finally when I turned 18 something happened. I couldn’t take it any longer… I decided to run away from home and try to build my life away from all the pain. But i was merely fooling myself. I wasn’t ready to build my own life I was merely escaping from my problems. Where I ended up wasn’t any better. I was constantly looking down to, called a burden and just a major pain in the back.

    Eventually… I began feeling like that. A burden. I was abused and cheated on various times with my first boyfriend. I forgave him because more than anything in this world I want to build my own family. A place I can return to every night from work and to know that I am no longer the audience in this movie that is my life but the main character. I was to be loved and love my family. My love and eventually my children. I want to give them all I didn’t have and experience through them what I never could. Everyday I wake up is a struggle because I know I’m not quite there yet.

    3 years later I returned to my reality knowing I had to face my issues with my family and solve them somehow. I had left my first boyfriend behind and I was ready to start anew. Then…. Something great happened.

    Someone so special came into my life for merely 2 months where we shared a relationship. I was so happy because he was so honest. So good to me and he heard me like no one else did. He really did. I felt like I had found the person for me and a home in his arms. But eventually life made us part. Work got extremely busy for him and all the emotions I had bottled up inside me came flooding onto him like a cascade falling into a glass of water. He reassured me every time that he would always be there for me and for that wasn’t enough. I needed more and more proof not because I didn’t trust him but rather because I had no self esteem nor faith in myself.

    Eventually… my emotional charge got to him and with the stress of his job added… He decided that I wasn’t quite ready for a relationship like this. It was my fault… I felt like the worst had jut happened to me. He offered a friendship until I had my feelings together, he offered a helping hand and an ear to listen to whenever i needed it. He wanted to keep his promise that he would always be by my side. But for me…That wasn’t enough. I know I should have stopped but I just couldn’t bring myself to. Eventually I blamed all the wrong on him…a fatal mistake that I regret so much.

    He’s gone now because I pushed him away when all I wanted to say was “Please stay with me forever” My insecurities got to me and now i feel day I wake up constantly apologizing to him and checking if i have a text from him maybe…

    He had all I needed to be happy. He offered to help me be a better person and I pushed him away. How does one deal with that? I’ve lost loved ones to death before but right now…. It feels so bad that I lost him. Almost as much if not even more to death. I don’t know what to do. Anxiety is getting to me all the time and just about anything makes me cry reminding how happy he made me feel and how stupid I was for not noticing.

    #41154
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Carlos
    I am sorry I won’t be very helpful here cause I am a recovering loveoholic. All I want to tell is that you are not alone. Even if u feel alone right now, people like me are reading your story with tears rolling down their eyes and relating to u. I wish u good luck and strength. You have been through so much in life and you are still standing. In your own words you have mentioned that this man was great. If you take this time to heal and grow from all the awful events of your life, don’t you think you will find someone as amazing or more?
    Someone on site said to me when I was shattered and broken a few weeks ago, everything happens for a reason. Maybe he was just in your life to make you realize that you have to start loving yourself. None of us know what the future holds.
    Please keep your head up high and keep asking and reaching out for help. Start meditating. U are already growing. U are already on your way.
    You will be in my prayers tonight.

    #41155
    Matt
    Participant

    Carlos,

    I’m sorry for the struggles you’ve been through, and I’m amazed at your courage to break free as you have. It does sound like you carry a little baggage, but you’ve come so far I have no doubt you’ll keep moving in an awesome direction. I know it seems heavy right now, having a heart that feels empty, but please don’t despair. There is always a path to joy, and you’ve already taken many of the steps you need.

    Sometimes when the love we’ve been shown and the life we’ve had has been icky and isolating (such as the childhood sickness and cultist parents) our heart and mind come out a little twisted. We are so refreshed, so overwhelmed by an open hearted friend that we put them on a pedestal and look to them as the source of all happiness in this world. Like a person coming out of a desert who happens upon someone that gives them water, and it is so nourishing that we assume “they make me happy”. This seems real, but its not. The love made you happy, connecting to someone who saw you, listened and cared made you happy.

    Had your childhood been more full of supportive connections, your thirst would not have been so deep. Perhaps it wouldn’t be “oh my, this man makes me happy” but rather “oh my, this is what love feels like.” It sucks, but you can’t go back. The good news is that as you reach out here and other places, you can untangle the baggage, set it down, and step forward.

    It seems to me that you have a difficult time loving yourself. When we love ourselves, we don’t have to look outside our own heart for happiness. We are happy, and when we connect with a partner it is amazing, and we bring that happiness to the union, rather than get our happiness from it. Don’t worry, because its not something you just have to figure out on your own, its actually very common, and something which grows with time and effort.

    Consider picking up some of Pia Mellody’s books. She offers some helpful insight on how to understand, forgive, nurture and act in a way that helps our hearts grow toward self love. It isn’t a switch, where one day we just wake up and love ourselves… rather it is learning how to be kind and gentle with ourselves, and love is a natural result of our tenderness.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41207
    Carlos J
    Participant

    First of all thanks for your kind replies. It has helped quite a bit but somehow I keep relapsing into a horrible way of thinking. I don’t know what to do about myself nor my life and it’s really frightening to me. I’ve had the strength before to overcome difficulties in life but just…how broken am I now? Is there hope for me to be a normal person at some point? I just feel so lost right now…

    I think.. because I’ve been so deprived from life before now I have this bad habit of clinging to people passing by in my life. It’s horrible not only to me but to them as well. A voice in my head tells me “Don’t give up. Learn to love yourself and when you do let this guy see you for how much better you can be and you can take it from there!” and another part of my head is telling my that I’m being foolish in clinging to the possibility of having a normal relationship with him. Either as a friend of whatever else.

    I literally just laid in bed crying pleading to God to give me a sign on what should I do. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore. It’s like I’m becoming mental.

    #41212
    Harry
    Participant

    Carlos, no matter what advice you get; no one will help you as much as yourself. I went through an unexpected breakup 3 months ago. The first month has horrible. I couldn’t smile, i couldn’t work, i could not study. I went on a week long vacation to cuba with some close friends and took 2 months off school. Mid way though the month, I felt extremely depressed, lonely and useless. I had been in relationship for the past 8 years of my life, i had never been single nor knew what it was like living by myself.

    As time went by (today marking the 3rd month), things started to partially sink in. The advices i had received from friends and family FINALLY started to make sense. Its not the end of the road bud. I am also 21, and emotionally very weak. She comes to my mind every other day. I simply close my eyes, smile, wish her all the luck and success in the world, and try to think ahead. Its not easy, and it WILL take time. But you will eventually get through it.

    Shoot me a message if you need someone to talk too. Speaking wit individuals in the same state of mind helped me tremendously!

    -H

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