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Started dating but I keep thinking of ex…

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  • #118718
    Mel
    Participant

    Hi thanks for reading.
    Well I was in a seven year relationship up until recently.
    It was mainly a long distance thing but we tried to meet when we could.
    At the start of the relationship we both put so much effort in to see each other and talk all the time but as the years went on
    my boyfriend started to communicate less which caused lots of fallings out in our relationship.
    It got to the point I would go weeks without hearing a thing from him and he would act so cold but then suddenly really hot again and pull me in. It was like this for too many years. I just wasn’t brave enough to leave this guy.

    When we both met we didn’t know what had hit us, we fell very much in love. We would tell each other all the time how lucky we were to have each other. We had some rocky moments over the years but love always pulled us through.
    It was only a few months ago he was asking for my ring size as we had plans to settle down together.

    Again lately though he had become distant, I felt very unwanted. He would get angry if i confronted him on it as why don’t we talk. I hadn’t seen him in so long I couldn’t wait for him to return from his trip so we could meet up.
    It never happened. Like many times before we made plans and last minute he would cancel them.
    So again this happened I was almost out the door ready to see him and he said leave it something has come up and that was it,
    i couldn’t do this anymore. I felt so unwanted and such an after thought.
    The thing that hurts the most is how could someone who once seemed to love me so much act like I don’t exist?
    Also I tried to contact him but he didn’t answer so I did the worst thing and sent an email explaining its over.
    I never got a response or heard from him ever since. Not even a goodbye. I know I shouldn’t expect anything but seven years and silence… it hurts.

    Anyway today I took a big step and went on my first date in years. The guy was nice. The thing is all I could think of was the first time I met my ex. How amazing it was and how nervous and excited I felt. I just knew we had something.
    I know its bad to compare other people but its hard not to. With this guy we got on well but I didn’t get the same intense feeling.

    Its only now before I go to bed I am sat awake thinking of the significance of today. I never thought a few months ago I would be sat on a date with another man chatting like I have no past. It just makes me feel sad because I truly thought my ex was the one and I had done for so many years.

    How can I get over such intense feelings for someone? I know I still love him but have to let it go… Any advice? thanks

    #118722
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear m2sky:

    The strong desire you had for your ex but not for the man you dated once- it is a good thing you didn’t experience it on your first date. Would be best if you don’t experience it for the first six months of dating any particular man. Because without that intense desire, you can see better. You can see who the man is without the fog of intense desire, a fog that gets dreams and reality mixed.

    You wrote: “It just makes me feel sad because I truly thought my ex was the one and I had done for so many years.” You thought he was the one. You were wrong. He is not the one.

    I understand the nature of intense attachment, the need, the longing, the wanting to be with that one person. Often, that intense attachment is not for a person who is good for us. Often it is not.

    I hope you don’t stay in a nostalgia state of mind regarding your ex. The intense feeling you had for him for so long, and still do- he didn’t feel it, not for a while.

    My advice- relax into reality and don’t escape into nostalgic fantasy. And do post again, anytime.

    anita

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