March 7, 2017 at 7:42 am #136547
My ex (25f) and I (30m) were going out for 5 years. There was so much great about our relationship, that when she left the note saying she was staying at her parents for 6 weeks, it blindsided me, but of course hindsight is 20-20, and the clues now are obvious. But we were the absolute best of friends, we’d bicker, but NEVER fought. Our families adored us, and I think everyone was wondering when I’d pop the question, which was soon because I was ring shopping right before the breakup. Her father was more of a father than mine had been since I was 6; I really looked up to him, and even began picking up some of his hobbies, and looked at his posotion in life as a place I wanted to be at that age. Her extended family considered me one of their own, and were ALWAYS doing things. Something my family has never done. She was good to me and took care of me, as I did her. I love(d) her and her entire family so much.
She left a note in the mailbox on her way to work a week before my 30th birthday in November. In the note, she described being unhappy, that she felt our spark had burned out, and that she felt more like roommate than a couple, and that she was going to stay at her parents for the next 6 weeks. I immediately contacted her once I found the note, and she had the idea of going on dates for awhile to kind of “start over”. I agreed. The day after my birthday, we went on the first date. She texted me the next day while i was at work telling me she just felt awkward, and she was getting the rest of her things from the house we shared. I begged/pleaded, and she said she’d be willing to try again. I cooked for us at our house, and went to her parents for supper later in the week. After that, she messaged me again, telling me she still just didn’t feel the same with me, and that we were done.
Since the relationship has ended, I pour time into reading self- help and relationship material. It started out as “get your ex back” crap from Brad Browning and others, but slowly transitioned to Corey Wayne and things that help me truly understand where the relationship went wrong. As good as our relationship was, it also had serious issues. I stopped “dating” her as much, and I got so very complacent. I guess I just kind of “assumed” she’d never leave me, and that she happy since she was with me. The absolute killer of our relationship though was our lack of physical affection. There were weeks we’d go without a romantic kiss, and sex slowed down dramatically to the point of stopping. She wanted it, but I had no interest. I have found out since she’s left me that it was a result of low testosterone that killed my sex drive. It was that way for awhile though, so while the affection and romance between us wained, our fire slowly burned out. I tear up thinking about the slow death of what was such a beautiful relationship in a 3rd person perspective.
I was left utterly devastated. The first few days, were probably the easiest. I was numb, and hadn’t processed a single bit of it, in the back of my mind though, I was bracing for it thinking “ohhh man… this is about to hurt”. Sure enough, after about 3 days, it hit me like a sucker punch with a machete. I cried, couldn’t eat, stayed drunk so i could sleep, then couldn’t cry anymore because I was too hungry. This lasted about a week. The next few weeks I spent crying when I’d get home, but trying to “bounce back” by whitening my teeth, getting a new wardrobe, a new hair cut, boxing up her reminders, and rearranging my house. None of it helped. EVERYthing was hard, and my time at home was spent crying in nostalgia.<span style=”line-height: 1.5;”> </span>
This has been the stagnant position I’ve been in since. The only escape I have is the 10 hours I spend 4 days a week at work, but believe it or not, work has been the hardest part of the breakup. I wake up at 3:30 every morning without her next to me. The alarm clock has been a bitter enemy, as the sound itself serves as a reminder that I’m waking up without her. I have a very labor intensive job. It’s been so unbearably hard to do all this when I’m not doing it for my “family” any longer. I didn’t realise how much she was on my mind when i was swinging a sledgehammer while i was knee deep in mud, but now that I’m not doing it all for her anymore, the desire to do any of it is gone.
I can’t begin to describe how much i want her back. It’s not possible. She’s replaced the bulldog we shared that we spent the first few weeks afterwards sharing custody of, and she recently made her new relationship with a pill snorting dishwasher that takes her car everyday “facebook official”. I was numb when i had heard. I have a hard time understanding how i could still be so attached and can’t even imagine being with another woman, and she’s In another serious relationship. It creates a lump between my throat and my chest that won’t go away. Her family is devastated, and want me back in her life as badly as i want her. This means nothing though obviously.
I’m getting a new roommate soon to help me cope with the loneliness, but there’s still not 30 seconds in a day that i don’t think about this woman. She made me such a better man. Turning me into the man i had always wanted to be, and now her and everything is just… gone. I don’t WANT a life without her. I know that’s meaningless, as the choice was made for me, but to think I’m going back to where i was without her terrifies me. I feel like as I’ve begun to get rid of hope, it’s being replaced with a lack of purpose, drive, and direction. I’m confused, lost, and hopeless. I’ve hated since the breakup, and i honestly feel like this will never change, and that the most I could hope for is to become numb. Not happy. Not sad. Just present.March 7, 2017 at 8:05 am #136553
You wrote: ” we’d bicker, but NEVER fought.”
I am wondering what the bickering was about- how often, about what topics…? And what would the difference be, between bickering and fighting?
anitaMarch 7, 2017 at 8:39 am #136571
Good on you for being so open & honest.
I understand that the dates didn’t work out for you both – I do feel from what you’ve explained that the majority of the communication you’ve had with each other is via text, is this right? I am tempted to say things like would a face-to-face meet help, but I see she is now in a new relationship. I do feel like, from what you’ve explained that she hasn’t really given detailed reasons on why you split, ok she said she felt awkward etc but she never explained that for so long she felt like this and I feel that because of that you feel like it’s your fault that you almost didn’t pick up on these things. If someone isn’t communicating to you their needs, how can you meet them? If someone isn’t telling you how they truly feel, how could you possibly know, you are not a mind reader?
In regards to her being in another relationship, I’d like to share my experience from a few years ago.. I went from relationship to relationship, pretty much merging 3 relationships over 10 years, with as little as a few weeks being single. I done this because I hoped that boyfriend B would fix me from the damage my relationship which boyfriend A caused, then I met boyfriend C hoping he would fix me from the damage both A & B caused (I say caused, but I mean the devastation from our relationship together, regardless of ‘blame’) so basically I was trying to ‘cover up’ my emotions, how I felt, the empty gap within me and the need to be loved after feeling unlovable for a long or short time. I thought finding somebody else would fill the gap – it has taken me a while to realise this is not the case, but I would like to think your ex may be doing this also. You were together for a significant period of time.
It’s hard really to almost give a solution to this as she has said she felt awkward etc, but I also wonder again, how these things were communicated to you? I’m unsure if a conversation/meet would be viable with her?March 7, 2017 at 8:40 am #136573
Very like things. Plans on a particular evening maybe, or something. Honestly, not much cones to mind. Most disagreements we had wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes, and were always resolved pretty easily. And when i say wouldn’t “fight”, I mean there were never raised voices or heightened emotions when we’d dissagree on something. We’d discuss things maturely and cone to a compromise.March 7, 2017 at 8:44 am #136575
Very litte things. Plans on a particular evening maybe, or something. Honestly, not much cones to mind. Most disagreements we had wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes, and were always resolved pretty easily. And when i say wouldn’t “fight”, I mean there were never raised voices or heightened emotions when we’d dissagree on something. We’d discuss things maturely and cone to a compromise.March 7, 2017 at 8:50 am #136577
Did you both communicate a lot about your thoughts and feelings?
You said that she said she wasn’t happy – did she discuss this with you prior to leaving?March 7, 2017 at 8:55 am #136581
@poppy Yes, texting was always our method of communication. She hates confrontation, and I’ve always known that, but honestly, I’ll always regret allowing our last conversations to be done knee text, and not face to face. And i really don’t believe a conversation with her is possible at this point. As I said, we shared custody of a dog for afew months after the breakup. The last contact we had was when i asked if she wanted to pick the dog up from a groomer she had promised she’d pick him up from. The text was entirely ignored.
And the awkwardness she was referring to was all felt went i was trying to get her back after she left the note. I was desperate and coming from a needy mindset, i really think ut pushed her away. Once I got the sense that she had one foot out of the door, and was on her way out, I was in full panic mode, and it was less about having a good time and flirting/attracting as much as it was me expressing how much I love her and thugs like that.March 7, 2017 at 8:59 am #136583
@poppy not at all. About a year And a half prior, she had left another note mentioning afew issues. It scared me and temporary changes were made and band aids were thrown over the issues. I really wish I had done the work I’ve done since I terms of reading relationship booksMarch 7, 2017 at 10:31 am #136607
Back to my post to you and your answer: you wrote that you bickered (to bicker: to argue about petty and trivial matters).
Then you wrote: “Most disagreements we had wouldn’t last more than 5 minutes, and were always resolved pretty easily.”
That is “most (disagreements)”. What about some of the disagreements?
anitaMarch 7, 2017 at 10:37 am #136609
@anita I’m sorry if I’m sounding abit confusing or glib, but i just hesitate to say all arguments, because it sounds so unrealistic, but i can’t think of any that got serious.March 7, 2017 at 11:28 am #136623
If you’d like to continue to look into this, figure out what happened best you can, we can continue with this examination (let me know if you want to do this; maybe it will help you letting her go?)
You wrote regarding you being surprised about her leaving you, that note she left: “Hindsight is 20-20, and the clues now are obvious”
What were those clues?
anitaMarch 7, 2017 at 11:56 am #136639
@anita I don’t know if it’s overwhelming feelings of loneliness or what, but I think it helps talking about it here. I have strong feelings of wanting to contact her, and I think talking my emotions through places like this helps.
The thugs I’ve read since the breakup has kind of opened my eyes to a whole new aspect of relationships. Things like how women communicate if they won’t verbally. Things essential to keeping long term relationships healthy and interesting (none of which i was doing) ect. Being the leader. The rock of that relationship. I was in the habit of letting her make the plans when I skulls have taken that lead. Growing up in the household I grew up in, I was under the impression that if only I didn’t verbally or physically abuse her, and was stable and supported her, I e’d pin the right track. I was wrong.
Its ironic now though. I never liked getting out too much, I’m abit of a homebody. But now, that’s all i can think about on weekends. “If only she were here, we could go do this or that”.
AndMarch 7, 2017 at 12:08 pm #136647
Assuming you were trying to answer my question (?)- do you mean that the warning signs were what you later read in self help books, that you were not the leader in the relationship?
You mentioned her lack of communication, as I understand it. You wrote that she avoided confrontations. That is congruent with her not sharing with you her dissatisfaction and leaving a note behind, then texting without in-person communication (and the dreaded confrontations)-
you spent a lot of time with her family. I wonder if you noticed a dynamic there that could possibly explain her dread of being assertive and of confrontations?
* Will be away from the computer for a while.
anitaMarch 7, 2017 at 1:07 pm #136673
@anita yes, after reading the books, there was were quite afew things that i could have done better in order to keep her interested in the relationship. There were red flags i missed in terms of non-verbal communication of her level of unhappiness with the relationship (less effort put forth in house work, spending more time with friends ect)
And honestly i never noticed any problems Roth communication in their family dynamic. Het mother is a little shy but definitely speaks het mind. That’s the only thing I can think ofMarch 7, 2017 at 3:22 pm #136679
Realisations are good, as they help you learn what may have gone wrong & what to work on for the future.
But you must’ve go into ‘victim’ mode and blame yourself. It was a two way relationship & sometimes the things she could’ve changed, may have changed your responses & reactions & vice versa. As humans we are triggered & act in ways that are determined by our upbringing/childhood & good & bad experiences along the way.
The fact is, nothing can be changed in the way that they played out, everything happens for a reason.
Would you say your situation now is more so how to heal from this situation as opposed too wanting her back?