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Struggling to keep it together

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 1 month ago.

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  • #140493
    Profile photo of Caroline
    Caroline
    Participant

    Hello, hoping to get some advice for the predicament that is my life right now. Bit of a back story, please bere with me, I was with a man, who I considered a good friend, we talked everyday for almost two years. It was always just as friends, as when I met him, he was with someone. That friendship meant a lot to me and still does, but I’m struggling, because, New Years Eve, just gone, he confessed he had feelings for me. I wasn’t surprised, I liked him for a while, bit was always afraid to admit it. He wanted us to start a relationship, which I agreed to, he knew I hadn’t been in a relationship for over 13 years and he knew he was the first man I wanted to have anything with since then (I’m 35) so he knew I was as serious about it working as he claimed. He told me he loved me and always will, he cared about me, the whole nine yards! Yet he didn’t want to go out on dates, he is over weight and was working on losing it, that was his reasoning. He wanted to wait. I agreed though I didn’t understand. I never saw his weight, just him. I told my children about him, so we could see each other in my home. I put in so much effort for him to prove I wanted this, though I was very afraid as I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, I tried to push him away, so many times, he kept convincing me to try, so I did and I fell very hard for him. That’s when he didn’t want me anymore, he had me so confused, to the point my friend texted him trying to figure out what he was playing at. He told her he couldn’t be with me, he loved me, but didn’t want me on Valentine’s Day of all days! He wanted to remain friends and two weeks later he texts me telling me he’s really excited about his date, they are now so serious that after 3 weeks together, he’s going to a wedding with her. I told him I forgive him for breaking me, and I’m happy for him, but I’m struggling with everything right now….I gave this man my heart and soul, he took it all them just pissed on it. I do love him and can’t seem to switch it off. I really want to, I don’t want to go through my 30s hurt and lost and afraid as I did my 20s, but I can’t seem to cope right now.

    #140533
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    I do hope you feel better soon. I am trying to understand the situation which is not clear to me. One contradiction is here, you wrote:

    “I put in so much effort for him to prove I wanted this (a relationship with him)”

    But then you also wrote:

    “I tried to push him away, so many times, he kept convincing me to try”

    – so which is it: did you do everything to show him you are serious about him as a boyfriend OR did you reject him repeatedly?

    anita

    #140549
    Profile photo of Caroline
    Caroline
    Participant

    Sorry, what I meant was, I’d always make time for him, accommodate him in my home. I am a bit of a contradiction, I’d push him away, by questioning everything, why didn’t he want to go out with me, why always my place, I’d get really upset and angry, and tell him it’s not working out. I’m not happy. He would always either call round or call me to convince me to try. I felt very wanted when he was with me and confused and unwanted when he wasn’t, I hope I’m making sense?

     

    #140559
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    If a man said he wanted a relationship with me and refused to go out on dates with me, I would be very unhappy with that man. I wouldn’t like to accommodate him in my home, and I wouldn’t!

    I am curious as to why he didn’t want to go out with you. He told you that it was because he was overweight, but that may be an excuse, isn’t it? And if so, what may be his real reason?

    I am curious about why you weren’t in a relationship for 13 years (22-35)?

    And then, why did you decide to have a relationship with a man who will not go out with you at all?

    anita

    #140579
    Profile photo of Caroline
    Caroline
    Participant

    I had my children very young with a man who was very abusive. I chose to stay single and raise my children alone. The reason why I accepted his reasoning about not wanting to go out because of his weight, well I trusted him and his words of love for me. He knew I hadn’t any experience with relationships, he said he understood my behavior of trying to push him away and he promised he was going to stay with me.

    #140641
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    Well, you have some experience with relationships: with the father of your children and now, with this man. I suppose you can learn a few things from this recent very short and limited relationship. What you learn will serve you in the future.

    From your the relationship with the father of your children you learned to make sure that a man is not abusive before you get into a relationship with him, so that you are not abused again. From the recent one you learned, did you not, that men don’t necessarily act the words they say, not necessarily walk their talk; that men/ people make promises that they don’t necessarily keep. And that trusting someone should follow knowing that person thoroughly and for a long time, in different contexts.

    Do you agree, and are there other things you can learn from this last one?

    anita

    #140699
    Profile photo of Caroline
    Caroline
    Participant

    I’ve learned I won’t ever trust a man again, I’ve learned that no matter how much I try, I’m not built to be with anyone, it hurts far too much to allow someone into my heart just to have them rip it out because they’re too selfish. I’ve known this man a long time and honestly believed he cared for me, I would have never risked myself otherwise. So it’s very hard to believe there is any man out there for me.

    #140773
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Caroline:

    It is a good thing that for as long as you are not skillful at evaluating men as trustworthy, that you continue to not have men in your children’s lives. If you are a good mother, I commend you for being a good mother and for protecting your children from potential abusive men and from men who do not keep their word.

    Later, maybe, if and when you are ready, you can consider having a man in your life, using what you have learned, and so, to gather enough information about a man, learn over time if he keeps his word, if he keeps his promises- before you get too emotionally involved.

    anita

    #140777
    Profile photo of Caroline
    Caroline
    Participant

    No, he was the only man I ever introduced to my children (my eldest is almost 18 now and my other child, almost 15) I won’t be doing that again. You see, it was a very big step for me to take anyway. Thank you for your time and your words, I really appreciate that Anita.

    #140801
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    I understand. And you are welcome, Caroline. Hope you post again. Best wishes to you and to your children.

    anita

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