This may get a bit long, but I need to gain some peace of mind. – Also, english is not my first language.

My childhood and early adulthood was majorly influenced by an alcoholic and mentally abusing father. I cut the contact 5½ years ago, and went through a therapy program for children of parents with an addiction to get a “normal-ish” life, and hopefully not have any issues when I become a parent my self.

Sadly, I’ve had problems with emotional attachment all through my life. I’m close with my family except my father, but the issues lies with relationships. I’ve never felt the euphoria of love, and at the most felt a “Meh. He’s alright”-feeling about a guy.

I’ve had a few, what I call fake, relationships. I’ve never been in love, while the guy has been in love with me. I’ve ended them without looking back when he got too annoying or clingy. At a point in my life I started dating a guy and we were together for 1½ years. He was mentally and physically abusing.
Luckily, I got the courage to leave him.

This relationship scared the hell out of me. And no, I didn’t love him. Not one bit.  I feared him, which is why I stayed with him for way too long. He stalked and threatened me afterwards too. It took me a while to get back on my feet again.

And now I’ve met a guy.
He’s great. Cares for me, loving, and in all ways a perfect man. And this is where I fall in love.
I have NEVER been so terrified before, in entire my life. All these crazy emotions, ups and downs like a rollercoster over minor things, staying up ’till early in the morning smiling at the phone and the texts he sends me, talking about the future, about when we’re (i.e. Me.) ready to take it from almost a relationship to a full-on relationship, and so on.

I’m still terrified after months of this. I’m afraid of losing him, I’m afraid he’ll give up on me and my bagage, I’m afraid that he finds somebody else, and most of all; I’m afraid of both losing and having this feeling of being in love.
I’m constantly thinking about whether or not I’m good enough for him. And I dont know how to handle the feeling of love. I’ve had to either google or ask friends what this and this feeling in my body is.

We’ve had some downs a few times. He broke down crying at one point, because I wasn’t budging from my safe place with emotional distance. I kept him at arms length for a while, and wouldn’t let him in.

I’m raised to be highly independent, and it hurt him that I didn’t have a “place” for him in my life. He didn’t feel like I trusted him, and I totally get that. He never pressured me into anything.

At one point, I thought I was sick with a stomach flu. Turns out what I was feeling, was a feeling of longing for him.

Why am I so afraid, when it’s only supposed to feel like butterflies and rose petals?