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The other woman

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  • #80974
    Annie
    Participant

    Hello,

    After the end of my abusive relationship with my ex who I suspect was a covert or shy narcissist I was/am devastated. At one point, I told him I felt weird about a female friend that he had. She was a mutual friend, but I knew through other friends that she was interested in him as more than a friend. This is when things took a turn for the worst. I asked him to include me in some of the conversations or hang outs because I felt left out. I asked that the conversations remain casual rather than personal (as in about our relationship). Of course, my friendship with this girl deteriorated. Yes, I was a jealous person before, but I had never felt so insecure in my life and the fact that my partner didn’t share his feelings or ever validate me EVER made me feel even worse. I would see them hanging out together and saw them together more often after our break up. I recently went on a website that helps you understand psychopathic/narcissistic behavior.It was a terrible idea.

    Now, i’m left wanting to communicate with this girl and tell her how horribly he treated me. He’s very quiet, so nobody besides my closest friends know what he did. I don’t think she will believe me either as i’ve heard her defend him before. Maybe I am upset that people still think of him as a good person and they wouldn’t believe me even if I told them. I don’t want to feel like a victim anymore, but I don’t want him to get away with the scars that he left me with. Why am I doing this? I’m nearly 4 weeks into no contact with him after constantly trying to be friends with him and getting crumbs from him. I’m angry at this girl and angry at him. I’m having terrible thoughts of them being together. The relationship has been over for about 3 months now and i’m still suffering. I was doing okay until this thought came in my mind. Maybe I was thinking if I told her these things then she wouldn’t want to be with him. I’m not even sure if she wants to be with him or it was just my insecurity? What do I do? Of course, if she retaliated or told him what I said then I would be devastated. I feel like i’m sinking back into the same obsessive thoughts that had before, but now they include her. I will have to see him in person soon and it’s a work place event that I can not escape. I’m

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Annie.
    #81017
    PathOfPeace
    Participant

    Well, long story short. Move on. Keep your mind busy with other things. Here is the info.

    -He is a narcissist Psycho.
    -She wont believe what you tell her
    -He will move onto this girl or another sometime soon
    -He will continue down a path that is self destructive until he crashes

    +Your not Psycho
    +You got out of the relationship that could have ended very different with him harming you or worse.
    +You will move onto a healthy relationship
    +At the end of the day your in a much better place than by his side

    Leave your thoughts behind, focus your mind on something else until time passes. He will move on from girl to girl destroying them and himself in the process. Be glad you made it out of there before you got stuck or worse.

    #81030
    John Paul Tracey
    Participant

    Hi Annie.

    First of all, give yourself a hug. You are going through a lot and you are suffering. Your anger is because you have been searching and waiting for your ex to display the love and affection towards you in the way you expect. He has not been the right connection. Have you projected your needs of love and affection on to him? Do you feel like you entire being was the relationship?

    You are not your relationships. You are at that point in the aftermath where you are waiting for him to stand up and say he got it wrong, or show you that he can return the love and respect you have shown him. You have been waiting for him to complete the missing parts in your life with love and trust. From experience, we have to be rock solid as individuals in a relationship. The moment we become dependent on the other for emotional fulfilment or internal self worth, it’s pretty much down hill from there. It results in possessiveness, jealousy and brings out emotions and behaviours in us that are completely at conflict with who we are.

    Your anger is because you maybe are not ready to let go. Letting go of someone you love is so painful whatever they have done to you or you have done to them. From personal experience it is agonising. Somewhere at some point you both stopped giving each other what each was looking for. This is not condoning his behaviour because he might just want chaos all the time and games and someone who will play those games and that person is not you. We cannot submit ourselves to someone we love at the cost of our own internal identity when many of our internal values are so at conflict with who we really are.

    The anger is only hurting you, not him. Do you think he appreciates or recognises the anger and hurt you are going through? Are you putting yourself through this for you or for him? Sadly he does probably not because this is your experience that you alone are going through. Anger can only, only be replaced with gratitude. Once you understand your “enemy” you can only feel but love and pity for them. Be grateful that he has lighted a fire in you that has shown you the kind of person you expect to be with. Turn the anger into gratitude that he has shown his true being to you and that you have the awareness and mental capability to assess and decide that you want a better relationship. Feel gratitude that this part of your life is a time to build you, a time to learn to love you and identify with yourself. The theme in a lot of my posts are that we all need to love ourselves. So if you are feeling angry, think about what you are grateful for instead.

    Everyone’s breakup is personal to them. I don’t think people intentionally go out to screw up others peoples life’s, maybe know some do, but if you look at it like this… He had a whole basket of chaos and stuff he is carrying around and that’s his journey. Only he can learn from it and change or carry on as he is. People can and do change but anger and frustration waiting for them to change is very draining.

    If for instance he did change, and you were in a different emotional place of strength , the conflicts that you have now, will probably be irrelevant in a rekindled relationship and you would have the relationship you want. But this is the essence of letting go isn’t it? Hoping waiting and wishing things would have been different. So if you love him, then set him free. If you cannot set him free then it is love for yourself that you need because it means that you are utterly dependent on him for your happiness and we both know that this is not a way to be living your life.

    Only you can decide to let go of the anger. Put it in a box and replace it with gratitude. This will allow you to have the energy to focus on yourself and in time understanding what you have learnt about yourself from the relationship.

    I can only send you positive thoughts that you gain peace soon, enough to go through your immediate future with a positive outlook for the future and an acceptance of the past for what it was.

    Take care

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