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The pain of loving someone you can't have.

HomeForumsRelationshipsThe pain of loving someone you can't have.

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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  • #61078
    Emma
    Participant

    SpinBunny,

    Follow your own way, your own intuition. If you truly love this man(don’t allow people to minimize and say you are simply infatuated), then do not allow fearful feelings of guilt or shame to hold you back from that. Do not allow insecure thoughts confuse you about his perceptions of you(“does he really care or is he just doing his job?”. If you believe that he reciprocates your feelings deep within yourself, then you’re probably right. What you can’t do though, is assume that because he feels the same way that he also wants the same thing from you as you do him. You’ll have to communicate with him for those answers. I’d also like to say that you are in no way obligated to protect a relationship he has with another woman that he decided to be in prior to even meeting you! That role belongs to him. If his relationship is worth protecting *to him*, he will. Otherwise not. You have no idea what the reality of his relationship is. We women are horrible about this. Do not take responsibility for his relationship. We are free to love who we wish and we are not forced to continue relationships if we believe ourselves better matched with someone else. Be authentic, communicate honestly, take risk, reap the rewards, accept the consequences.

    #61083
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I am truly grateful for all of your thoughts and opinions. There are a few varying view points and trust me I am looking at this from all angles.

    Nikki – I appreciate your honesty. Truly. I don’t think you are rude but I can see I hit a bit of a raw nerve as you stated that you are scared of this happening with your fiance. I think a lot of what you have said makes perfect sense and I have taken what you have said onboard. I know this whole thing is doing me no good at all and something does need to change because its the what if’s that are killing me.

    Helen – Another wonderful response from you. I totally agree with everything you have said. When it comes to the reciprocated feelings I have asked myself a million times if it is only percieved on my part because you are right, it’s totally in his job description to be friendly with everyone but I do sense there is something else there. I’m a fairly intuitive person and am not one to kid myself. No one is more surprised by the apparent affection he has for me than me so I have questioned it plenty.

    Emma – Your response is totally different in a way to the others and you also have some valid points.I think we should be free to love who we wish and we can’t help loving someone but acting on it is another matter. Similar to The Ruminant’s response, people come and go, should we embrace the feelings and see them for what they are then move on or make a choice to act? I truly believe that even people who are in committed loving relationships feel themselves attracted to other people at times but if they truly value the person they’re with they don’t act on it. That doesn’t mean the attraction isn’t there.

    Anyway I have a lot to think on. My heart has been telling me to hold on. My head tells me to let go that no good can come of it.

    #61102
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Ones,
    Spinbunny – I would have an honest discussion with your trainer. All this second guessing drives me nuts. What are the signals you are receiving and giving? No respect to this guy’s woman but I believe in taking love by the horns via communication. Find out where his heart and mind are. If he is devoted to his woman, move on out of respect for her, him and yourself. BUT maybe they are struggling and not meant to be to gether. How would you ever know if you don’t ask. A simple yes or no will do and will tell you volumes, provided the guy is not a player, in which case you AND his gf are better off without him.

    Ask.

    Good luck.

    #61139
    yogabunny
    Participant

    I totally agree with Emma (so much so I had to join the website as I was not a member!) The thing is we are drawn to people for a reason and if you are drawn to him hang in there, I am not advocating doing something about it but obviously there is a reason for it for all of you and if you walk away you may just find yourself in the same situation. It is for him to worry about his relationship and it may be that it is not meant to be, as long as your conscience is clear I would just stay put and see what develops. Believe me your situation is much easier than my unrequited love! And I also agree with Sojourner, communication is very important although very difficult but it may help especially if he denies any feelings or goes cold on you – then you have your answer!

    #61144
    Kelly
    Participant

    SpinBunny,
    You say “I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal.” Just curious, what is this “ugly side” of him you refer to? Do you mean the fact he has (in my opinion) crossed some boundaries in your professional relationship? Or is there something more?

    I personally tend to be a bit more on the conservative side when it comes to these types of relationships, but it would seem to me that things have crossed beyond professional “friendship” (you are a client and you are paying him for his services, I don’t really see that as friendship). The fact that others have picked up on this and his comment that you have some sort of worldly connection to me is inappropriate. Why are you texting each other anyway? Doesn’t the gym have a business phone number you can call to make appointments? The fact that you text and he’s “thinking of you” already hints to me that this is more than a professional relationship and it would cause me to have similiar thoughts as you are.

    That said, I completely agree with Emma and yogabunny that his relationship is HIS to manage. I have a strong aversion to the term “homewrecker” because it places the blame for a relationship breakdown on an outside person who has made no commitment to honor. Sure, it may be morally murky territory to enter a relationship with someone who was involved with another (hypothetically, I know you stated you are not looking to do that), but the heart wants what the heart wants. If he’s interested, he should man up and end things with his girlfriend respectfully. Otherwise, maybe he’s just a big flirt? Either way, I would proceed with caution.

    If you’re truly looking to get over this but don’t want to give up his PT services, start setting more clear boundaries. Stop texting, limit conversations of a personal nature (if you’re working out hard enough how do you even have time to talk?), don’t linger after appointments, stop socializing with him. A simple “Thanks, see you next time!” and out the door. I think more than anything though, be honest with yourself regarding what you want. You’re not an evil person if you want this man. Don’t torture yourself either way.

    #61162
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    You say “I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal.” Just curious, what is this “ugly side” of him you refer to? Do you mean the fact he has (in my opinion) crossed some boundaries in your professional relationship? Or is there something more?

    I guess by this I mean that he can blow hot and cold with me. It’s like he feels he’s getting too close so the next time I see him he may be distant or if we’re in a class full of people I can see him purposefully trying to avoid eye contact with me. It’s been a bit of an ongoing merry go round. I don’t know why he does this.
    With regards to us texting, I don’t text him, I email him but only usually about PT and what times I am going to see him. I also do a Spin class with him and He usually books me on automatically for the following week and one night he emailed me at 10pm to tell me he’d done so. Nothing flirty. He has an email address seperate from the gym which he gives to all his clients as he does PT work away from this gym also. It’s just part of his service of support for his clients. I have his phone number but I don’t use it. I work out plenty hard enough with him trust me but in between sets, during a 10 mins warm up where I’m going steady on the cross trainer and during warm downs and stretches we have time to chat. We have done charity work together etc etc this is where I have got to know him. We have exchanged emails of a personal nature because we have a lot in common and share tastes in movies and music and hobbies but I wouldn’t say they were flirty in nature. There is just a closeness when we’re together that is hard to explain in words. It’s an invisible thread between us, the way he looks at me and holds my gaze for longer than is normal. It’s a connection that is hard to get across on here but like I said I’m pretty sure I’m not imagining it all. I’m good at hiding my feelings so I’m not sure if he knows how I feel. I have never just come out and told him because like I said he has a girlfriend and I don’t feel it would be appropriate. I never thought about him saying things like “we have an out of this world connection” as inappropriate but I suppose now you have mentioned it, it is for a trainer/trainee relationship. I sense he may be as confused as me. He’s trying to maintain professional boundaries but sometimes forgets himself. Like you say the heart wants what the heart wants and we can’t always help showing what we feel inside no matter how we try to hide it.

    If only talking to him about it was that easy. The thought terrifies me and while I understand what you are all saying about its up to him to protect his relationship is true I still wouldn’t feel right telling him how I feel knowing he has a girlfriend.
    If I’m being honest I do want him, of course I do but I know that we don’t always get what we want and sometimes just have to suck it up. I believe he has come into my life for a reason and obviously I’m drawn to him for a reason but maybe it’s not meant to be romantic in nature. Maybe he is in my life to teach me something about myself.I think love is a beautiful thing and we shouldn’t have to hide it if we love someone we should just shout it from the roof tops. Part of me wants to hang in there Yogabunny but I really hate the thought of being branded a home wrecker or immoral as I already have been.

    #61165
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Spin,

    The reason I said to find a new trainer is so you would be freer to talk.

    Does anyone know the rules?

    If you switch trainers or gyms can you date then?

    Then you can talk with him around the non-profit. See if that helps….

    Big blue

    #61323
    yogabunny
    Participant

    Totally know what you mean about not being able to put into words the connection. I have that too, when we text/e-mail it is all very bland but when we are together there is an energy flowing between us that is on another level that the logical, conscious mind can’t comprehend. My situation very different as we are both married and I can’t have him at all but I won’t walk away because there is a reason people are bought into your life and it may be to teach us a lesson, be there for us during a hard time, it could even be that we were together in a previous life and it is simply ‘recognition’ on a very deep level. You really need to just hang in there …. he is in your life for a reason and you won’t be branded a home wreaker, at the risk of sounding blasé, he is not married and there are no children involved. You are both adults and you can and probably will have many relationships before you settle down. Just out of interest have you ever mentioned having a boyfriend in front of him? If so how did he react, does he seem put out if you are chatting to other men?

    #61327
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Yogabunny,

    I have spent around 18 months hanging in there, hoping something may change but it doesn’t. I can only assume that he is committed to his girlfriend. He used to mention her but he doesn’t anymore. Sometimes if he is telling me about his weekend or something like that he’ll say “we went to the theatre” or something like that and by we I’m assuming he is talking about her but generally she doesn’t come up in conversation. I mentioned a guy that I was seeing a while back once and he got a very strange look on his face. Almost like a hurt look. Again, hard to explain. I’ve had a lot of trouble with work lately and have been flitting between jobs and at times it has looked like I may have had to leave that gym. Last time I finished a job he said “will you still come here if you get the other job?” and he had a genuine look of concern on his face like he was scared I’d be going. Maybe I should go. Would be interesting to see if he kept in touch if he was no longer my trainer/instructor.
    I am pally with a few guys at the gym and after christmas earlier this year one of them came up to me and asked for a New Years kiss. Nothing pervy at all. He’s married and just a sweet guy and gave me a peck on the cheek to say happy new year. After he did it he looked straight at my trainer as if to see his reaction. They are both very pally with each other.

    The thing that bothers me most is when he goes cold. it’s kind of obvious that he’s doing it on purpose. He tries to act like I’m not there but then I catch him looking at me when he thinks I’m not looking. He does that a lot too. He stares at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention but I’m so aware of him I always feel it. It’s the connection again. So hard to explain but sometimes we even move in sync and mirror each others body language. I do believe in past lives and soul mates and I do believe that he is one of mine. Hard to put into words but I do feel it with all my being. I’m glad you understand what I mean. I really don’t know what the answer to all this is. Fight or flight.

    #61348
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear SpinBunny,

    If you were to bring these feelings out in the open, and if he left his girlfriend for you, how would that feel? Would your mind be more at peace? More turbulent? If you were to leave the gym? Cut contact? Peace? Turbulence?

    When faced with such situation it can be helpful to imagine it through in a safe way and really feel the consequence of bringing our thoughts/feelings to action. Usually, a call for skillful action will arise feelings of peacefulness. And a call for unskillful action will arise feelings of unease, further suffering, spinning.

    For me, when seeing something through in such a way, it becomes a matter of derermination. Such as, if this were to happen, the feelings would be worse, no release, thus time to let it go. And if further desires arise, it is a matter of remembering the intention. It then becomes a response of acceptance, rather than a reaction of “oh, I want him, he wants me…” that leads the mind to unease, suffering, spinning, attachment to he did this or that. And on the other side, if that were to happen, the feelings would be easier, I would be content with myself, glad, more peaceful.

    Another thing that comes to heart is what you said that he does not talk about his girlfriend. Have you considered (or did) asking about her, casual things? Perhaps if you see that he sparkles when talking about her, your own desire may lessen. When we wish genuine happiness for others (him, his girlfriend) it opens up a wide space within our hearts that in a way “pushes out,” purifies any other unpleasant emotions.

    If it is a build up of energy over the last 18 months, is there a way to release it so that it will be peaceful, easy, rather than painful? Self-nurturing? Meditation on metta?

    Dear sister, I feel your pain. No one can give you the answer but your own heart, and it already knows what it is. Consider sitting with it and truly seeing it, then accepting it, whatever it may be.

    May your heart sparkle with joy, and your mind feel peace 🙂

    With warmth,
    Helen

    P.S. Men (people) sometimes go cold for various reasons. He may have car/work/family trouble or simply be constipated 😉 I am not trying to negate what you are seeing, simply saying there could be other reasons for behaviors. If nothing else, seeing things this way, infinite possibilities, helps put our own mind at ease. Be easy sister, gentle, try not to attach meaning to everything you see.

    #61395
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Helen,

    Once again you have given me a lot to think about and I genuinely appreciate it. I really don’t know how I would feel if he was to leave his girlfriend for me. I think I would feel guilty but deep inside I know he isn’t going to do that. If I’m honest with myself I know it’s not going to happen. So the question is why am I torturing myself. I’ve tried many different ways and times to let go, to try to distance myself from him, to only have contact with him on a strictly professional basis but it never seems to work. I always find myself drawn back into it all and he won’t let me detach myself either because if I was absent for a week he’d want to know why. I went to the gym the other day, no PT session booked, just to work out on my own and he came over and started chatting to me even though I had just walked in said Hi and gone about my business. I didn’t linger to have a conversation or anything but he came to me which leads me to think that I will have to leave the gym in order to avoid him. Part of me doesn’t want to avoid him because I really love his company but the part of me that is being objective can see I’m too attached and really need to let go some.

    I do tend to torture myself with the “he did this, he did that, what does it mean?” and it’s driving me nuts. I really want to stop doing this so am really trying to take your advice. I have avoided bringing his Girlfriend up as him talking about her hurts me but if he was to bring her up in conversation I would chat with him about her and hide my jealousy. I have done that in the past.

    I’m not sure if there is anyway to release this build up peacefully but I’m certainly going to try. I want to be able to let go and watch the flow of everything without reading too much into every little thing. I want to find that release and the strength to accept that this isn’t meant to be. I’m also concerned that I could be blocking out other potential relationships by having this fixation. I have been reading the meditation document you sent me and that is really helping me to see things in a different way. He is now on holiday for 2 weeks and while I am missing him, I am also going to use the opportunity for reflection while I am not caught up in the middle of it all.

    Thanks again. Much love.

    #61398
    Kelly
    Participant

    “I am pally with a few guys at the gym and after christmas earlier this year one of them came up to me and asked for a New Years kiss. Nothing pervy at all. He’s married and just a sweet guy and gave me a peck on the cheek to say happy new year. After he did it he looked straight at my trainer as if to see his reaction. They are both very pally with each other.”

    Call me a prude, but I don’t think there’s anything “sweet” about a married guy asking women at the gym for a kiss. I would be appalled if I knew my husband was carrying on like that. And then for him to look at your trainer for a reaction? Sounds like a lot of immaturity going around and poor boundaries on everybody’s part.

    SpinBunny, you are a beautiful, loving soul worthy of your own admiration and devotion. Don’t look outside yourself for validation and attention.

    #61402
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Oh dear. I feel like I’m not putting things across in this thread very well at all. Kelly I appreciate your comments but you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Not your fault, my poor explanations I’m sure. The guy at the gym is not some random guy. I used to work with him and we are friendly in a strictly platonic way. He gave me a light peck on the cheek to say happy new year. There is really nothing seedy or distasteful about it. I don’t know why he looked at my trainer after. Maybe I imagined it.

    I certainly don’t look outside of myself for validation and attention either. I have never been that person and I never will. I have been single for a long time purely because I don’t do that. I prefer to be single than be in a relationship just for the sake of it or for as you say “validation”.

    I did come on here for some advice but things are now getting taken in the wrong way and I feel it’s because I’m not explaining myself very well so I will leave it here. I have an idea now of what I need to do so thank you all for your input.

    Much Love

    #61406
    Kelly
    Participant

    Spin, I’m sorry. It appears I offended you, which was not my intent. Don’t blame yourself for explaining it poorly. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to be conservative in my approach to relationships. I didn’t mean to imply there was anything “seedy” about the kiss, but I do believe that at times people have unclear boundaries. I prefer to avoid situations where there might be anything misleading or that could cause hurt feelings or mistrust if others (such as his wife) would witness it. Also, I appreciate that peoples’ definitions of “plutonic” vary and each unique relationship has a unique “feel” to it. I may be projecting somewhat, as I have had situations where I assumed plutonic relationships only to find out the guys were harboring romantic/lusty desires. Do your female friends ask for kisses at the gym, for instance? Would you find it strange if they did, or is it just another friendly kiss? Would you feel uncomfortable if this same friend asked for his kiss in front of his wife? Would she be unhappy? Just things to think about.

    These are rhetorical questions. I certainly didn’t mean to scare you off from posting further and apologize if I’ve misconstrued anything. I’ve personally witnessed a lack of propriety in situations where I think people unknowingly set themselves up for trouble if they’re not sensitive to slippery slopes…. as for my comments about validation, again I am sorry because it appears to have rubbed you the wrong way. It just seems like there is a lot of attention at the gym regarding you, the trainer, people observing it, commenting on it, etc. as an underlying theme in your posts so I wondered if perhaps you found it all a bit exciting, for lack of a better word. Thank you for clarifying, and again I hope that you won’t stop posting simply because I didn’t understand.

    #61412
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Kelly,

    Thank you for your apology but it’s not necessary. I wasn’t offended as such but I do feel that I’m not explaining things very well and that I’m placing people I care about in a bad light and this is not what I want because it’s really not true.
    I really don’t know how his wife would react because I don’t know her but I personally don’t see anything wrong with giving someone a friendly peck on the cheek whether it be male or female. I’m not conservative in that way, I’m a bit of a touchy feely type. I like to hug people and am very affectionate, it’s the way I was brought up. I understand that some people may take this the wrong way but it really saddens me that we can’t hug and show each other affection in this world without it being seen as inappropriate or in some way sexual.

    As for being excited by the situation, I’m really not. I wish desperately that I didn’t have these feelings towards him because it’s painful. It would be much simpler for me if these feelings didn’t exist and my connection with him didn’t exist but they do so I came on here to try and get some advice on how to deal with the feelings and move past them. However I’m sensing now that I’m not putting myself across very well which is why I said I’ll just leave it here. Nothing to do with your post offending me so please don’t worry about that.

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