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The worst mistake of her life (That's Me)

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  • #146903
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    That is how my girlfriend (now fiance) describes me.

    I have been in this relationship with my gf for about 2 years and it has been a long distance relationship. Skype/internet is not the ideal way of spending time with someone, but that is how things were. Things were never smooth and we had lot of fights last year because I wasn’t sure about this relationship but somehow we got through (after lot of fights and she chasing me after my life).
    I proposed her afterwards and now we are going to get married.
    However, after proposing to her I became a lot more emotionally distant from her. I am not sure why (Maybe it was the fact that she had to chase me or maybe I feel that I have settled or maybe I dont like compromising). As a side note, not compromising and not caring enough were the reasons none of my past relationships lasted.

    Recently, I read an article ‘Signs your partner doesnt care about you enough’ and it said the following signs:
    ( http://www.bustle.com/articles/175466-5-signs-your-partner-doesnt-care-about-you-enough-according-to-an-expert )

    1. They disregard your feelings
    2. They are self absorbed
    3. They take forever to respond to your text
    4. They dont make room for what’s important to you
    5. You often find yourself making excuses for them

    Unfortunately, I checked all of the points. Now, my GF is the one who has compromised a lot in this relationship, I know that. She is willing to compromise a lot more just to be with me and she is the only reason why this relationship is still alive. I also know that I am being a selfish. I have been cold and distant and I treat her like a headache at times. I am not there for her emotional needs, to listen to her, to assure her or talk to her or her family/friends. All this while, she has been patient and supportive with me. If there is anything wrong with the relationship, it is me. In a way, she deserves better from me. At times I have wished that she hadn’t chosen me and she would have been happier. Maybe, I have given up on myself.
    Last night, she told me that she wish she hadn’t chosen me. She also put forward an option of breaking up with her. She also feels like I treat her like crap and by chasing me to get married is a huge blow to her self-esteem and that my emotionally distant actions makes her feel like a loser.

    Do I love her? My answer would be ‘not as much as I love myself’. Based on my past relationships, I do know that I have never put anyone before me (except once and it ended really bad for me). I have started to feel that I am a difficult person to be around. I find it difficult to give up things that I like and do what matters to other for a change (that includes not just her but also my family/friends). Apparently, I was never like this in my 20s but something happened in my late 20s and now I am 30.

    The point is I going to get married to her. I made that decision and I am going to go through it. Breaking up is not an option. So there are no answers to questions such as ‘Why are you with her, if you don’t love her’ because I know I am gonna be emotionally distant for the next person as well.

    Any advice on how to change my behavior would be welcome.

    #146967
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shikhar:

    You wrote: “I do know that I have never put anyone before me (except once and it ended really bad for me).”- can you share about that one time: were you emotionally close (not distant) in that one relationship? What happened and how did it end for you?

    What was and is your relationship with your parents like?

    anita

    #147023
    Craig
    Participant

    Shikhar,

    You’re doing something I rarely see in someone with avoidant behaviors, which is that you seem to be owning them as YOUR issues, and you’re not fundamentally blaming  your partner. That is a really great start! I hope you’ll follow up with Anita’s inquiries.

    Craig

    P.S. If anything, SHE seems a little on the blamey side. If she made a mistake by being with you, then it is up to HER, not you, to fix her mistakes. It is up to YOU to fix YOUR mistakes. Just my opinion, and I could be wrong.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Craig.
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