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Too Criticizing of Myself

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This topic contains 868 replies, has 20 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of anita anita 3 days, 13 hours ago.

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  • #90946
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    From my early years to 6th grade, I used to be carefree and would be confident, outgoing and accepting of myself. I was healthy and wasn’t easily influenced by others and had good self-esteem. Now after those years, I was bullied in seventh and eighth grade because I believed in wicca. This lowered my self-esteem and made me adopt some negative views about myself such as that I am not athletic, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not healthy enough and especially that my weight is too much. In ninth grade, I decided to relive my life and enjoyed finding a groups of friends that I could fit in. Ninth grade was the best year of my life and I felt better about myself. However, approaching tenth grade I still had fun, but the classes became a bit hard and I was struggling in geometry honors, but I managed to pull through with the support of my friends. Now in my junior year with two ap classes and algebra 2 honors, I just feel sad and keep criticizing myself. Most of my friends are busy planning for college and so am I. My classes are moderately hard, but the thing is that I had this great relationship with this guy from seventh grade (he helped me pull through the rough times) and now our relationship is fading. He helped me open myself to trust again after I’d been sexually harassed by a guy in seventh grade. I just feel sad that our relationship is fading and now I am even more criticizing of myself. I worry about my weight (I am 5′ 5” at 120 lb), my grades and the idea of finding spiritual fulfillment. I still have trust and confidence issues from the past when I was betrayed in relationships and being bullied. After our relationship faded, there was a guy who would tell me every day how worthless and fat I was and it would be so draining that I would try to workout for 30-60 minutes and eat less, but the diet I was on made me irritated because I wasn’t getting enough nutrients. There are times when I pretend I am ‘Daredevil Shirley’ and that I am perfect, whole and complete and I feel confident of myself. Yet sometimes I feel like I’m just drifting through life, as if I’m looking through a glass, not really here. I feel detached from myself and the world and sometimes feel numb and think I won’t reach spiritual fulfillment like I want. I just want to be confident again and not be as easily influenced by others. I also want to learn to accept myself and think more positively. There are times when I feel on top of the world and at other times I feel like there is a dark cloud in my mind and a mountain blocking my path. I want to learn how to toolwork, cook the recipes my family knows, learn reiki, learn gymnastics/yoga, mountain climb or just hike a really steep hill, study gene therapy (cancer research). I feel like I really want to live life and explore all there is and challenge what I’m capable of, yet sometimes I have doubts about my life. I am limited by what others think of me and also by my negative thoughts. I want to live life to the fullest learn and thrive independently in life, but there are times when I feel time goes by too fast and I am losing myself and that I won’t have time to learn all the things I need to or want to before this life is over. I just want to have confidence and live life without regrets.

    #90947
    Profile photo of jock
    jock
    Participant

    Shirley
    Treat life’s difficulties as challenges, as opportunities for growth. The bully who teased you is testing out your self-belief. Does Shirley really believe in Shirley?
    Say “Yes” and mean it. Shirley has something unique to offer the world just as Juanita does. We all do.
    Remember the saying “what doesn’t break us makes us stronger”.
    I don’t know you but I reach out to any human being who has lost that sense of self-belief, of self-confidence. You are OK, Shirley, truly OK!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Profile photo of jock jock.
    #91055
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    Thanks Juanita, that was very supportive and insightful;)

    #91059
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley:

    Can you share with me the history of your belief in wicca? I don’t know much about it, can you tell me about what attracted you to it … was it the sixth grade? Do you still believe in it?

    When you were bullied for believing in wicca, what made you hold on to wicca?

    anita

    #91088
    Profile photo of Natalina
    Natalina
    Participant

    Lately I’ve been struggling with intense low self esteem that has lead to depression, crippling anxiety, unhealthy habits and a lack of energy. I am very unconfident and awkward in social situations, my stomach is churning and my mind is racing right now just thinking about it. It’s as if I am afraid of people. I feel as though I never know what to say in conversations and that people think i am weird. I hate my appearance and every aspect about myself. Everyday i wake up and feel so lethargic and unmotivated. I know a lot about mediation, the law of attraction and have been reading Tiny Buddha’s self help posts and various self help books to assist in positivity. I am aware of what I need to do to change, but every time I put it into practice in my life I fail. I am bombarded with negative intrusive thoughts all day long, and try to correct distorted thinking with positive affirmations, and mediate every day. I hold onto every mistake from the past and am highly sensitive. I and have tried many different exercises and techniques to release them but its like I am trapped. Nothing seems to be effective. I just want to sleep all day, and at times I do not see a purpose for living.

    #91101
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Natalina: good psychotherapy? For insight, skills… please post in a new thread, if you know how to start one (Click Forums, get a screed with categories, then choose a category like “emotional mastery”, click it, go down the screen of thread topics, to where you see an empty box for a new thread topic). I would like to read more and reply to you. New hope in the new year for you!
    anita

    #92906
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    anita, i started realizing that i was a wiccan when i was eleven in sixth grade. for most of my life, i never really thought god would allow war or bullying in this world and i never really acknowledged the christian faith of my parents. for most of my life especially from fourth and fifth grade, i’ve been experiencing psychic senses and always felt like there was a spirit world because I would often talk to spirits and angels and at night i would astral project, i didn’t know the terms of my abilities nor that wicca existed when i was that age, but i always felt that no matter what i never fully fit in with my classmate even though at that age, i was just enjoying life and didn’t care. i remember one time when i feel on the fourth grade playground and got a scar on my cheek and i put my hand to it and imagined it healing and i felt a warm, tingling sensation and the scar closed. this intrigued me to dwelve more into the nature of wicca, but i wasn’t sure where to start. my fourth grade teacher was very supportive and said maybe that i should start researching psychic abilities, it was hard to comprehend everything i researched at that time, so i just accepted my abilities and didn’t think much of them until sixth grade. in sixth grade, i was bullied because i was very tomboyish and when one guy called me a witch, i was very offended because i thought it meant i was a freak. yet he was very nice and said that i had an energy around me and since he was a wiccan, he could sense that i had psychic energy around me. i was intrigued and asked him what wicca was and also if it had psychic abilities involved, much to my surprise he said yes and he said he could help me develop my abilities. he also taught me some of the terms like astral projection, psychic healing and also told me of a sight called spellsofmagic.com where i could meet and learn wicca. he told me wicca was more of a spirituality than a religion and focuses on the god and goddess within ourselves and also protecting nature. i had always been fascinated with science and loved being out in nature, so i had a curiosity to learn wicca. when sixth grade ended, he went to another school and i was sad because i was still learning on wicca so i did some research and stumbled upon this site called molochsorcery.com and it taught wicca in lessons, but it was hard to follow. so in seventh grade, i started looking up ways to learn wicca and created an account on spellsofmagic.com to see if i could learn more. when i was 13-15, i didn’t learn much except i still involuntarily astral projected and could psychically heal, but i wanted to learn how to control it. i would search sites and buy books, but not much information. when i turned 16, one of my friends on spellsofmagic.com saw that i was serious in my pursuit of wicca, that i really wanted to know more about divination, astral projection, reiki (energy healing term) and told me that there was a free online school at witchtopia.com. i learned a lot from witchtopia and when i went back to spellsofmagic where i learned the basics and joined a coven there called Divine Essence and I really enjoy that coven, at first when i first started out on spellsofmagic, i went into twisted nether coven which didn’t teach me much, but was mostly a coven for beginners and after witchtopia, ifelt i needed a coven, i could feel like i could belong in. also on witchtopia, i have a coven called temple of dark art. Wicca is mostly a nature based religion where wiccans use the energy of the universe through meditation to channel the energy for their uses mostly for good because wiccans believe that the god and the goddess created us and gave us life and are seen through out nature, so we as wiccans respect them by worshipping nature and honoring them by not doing destructive things like cursing or hexing. A person can be psychic and have a belief in a higher power without being wiccan, in fact everyone is psychic to some level or degree, but a wiccan is someone who does rituals and makes it part of their daily life to honor nature and channel energy to help heal or create positive energy and is tuned to the psychic world as part of her daily life . i enjoy cartomancy (divining with cards) and clairvoyance. So far i am currently 17 and working on reiki, seeing auras and astral travel (i can project, but travel is still hard)

    #92907
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    when i was bullied, i held on to wicca because i felt that it was the only left for me to still comfort in, talking to spirit guides and angels helped me get through the worst low self-esteem years in seventh-eighth grade when i thought i was worthless and no one seemed to take me seriously since lots of my classmates thought i was a freak, yet i still held on because i needed some hope to pull through.

    #92914
    Profile photo of Seaisland
    Seaisland
    Participant

    As a person who has some degree of Reiki training I would encourage you to use it to calm and soothe yourself. You don’t need to figure it all out right now-life is a journey.

    I am sorry you are hurting–be kind to yourself. slow your mind down. Everything good for you does not have to be intense.

    please look up some soothing music for relaxation. Find a comfortable space, be kind to yourself and know you are going to be ok.

    #93153
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    Thanks SeaIsland;) There are some days when I’m not sure who I am as a person. It’s like there is a side of me that accepts myself and wants to do well in life and knows where to go and there are other times when I feel numb and empty inside and am not sure whether I should try hard in school. I think the underlying factors behind the stress I have are the idea that I want to be toned and 113 pounds and also the idea that I’m not sure if I can open myself to trust the guy I think I love. There are so many doubts in my mind that I’m inadequate and not smart enough for him and also my parents are very hard on me to do well in school and sometimes they rag me on how I need to work on preparing to manage money and prepare for college. Also, the idea that I have ap midterms, algebra 2 honors finals and SATs all this week (January 21-23). I think that whenever I do well in algebra 2 honors,which I am right now, my ap world history grade suffers, I think it is an 89 now. I am currently afraid that I might not make the grade curve to get into Rowan or Rutgers.

    #93164
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley:

    Thank you for explaining wicca for me in a post above. I didn’t see it until this evening. I understand more about it now and I do too believe that nature is a source of a lot of wisdom and healing is in nature.

    You are having a very busy week with exams, lots of pressure without much support of your parents, I understand. I do hope you try hard this week in school and at the same time keep yourself as calm as you can. When distressed, think about, maybe, the forest, the trees in the forest, lightly moving with the wind, this way and that, but not breaking. Be like a tree, rooted in the ground. When wind sways you this way or that, remember you are rooted and you will be okay.

    Please post again.

    anita

    #93246
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    Thanks for the support, anita:D I like your idea of thinking about moving like the wind or thinking of trees in the forest, I think that would be a great idea to help me feel more secure, free and balanced. I think I did decent on the ap world history midterms (65 questions which were relatively easy and a comparative essay on how christianity and islam impacted women, i didn’t put the time period in my thesis and could only come up with one difference instead of two, but the overall essay was good and I had decent evidence, the least I think I would get is 4/9) or today which is good because I didn’t finish the Ch. 11 essay yesterday on the changes and continuities of Mongols in 11th-13th century because I was busy planning the timeline and the multiple choice questions (80) were hard. I took the ap english midterms today (jan. 21 at (:15-11:25) and i think I completed 22/40 of the multiple choice questions (skipped 18 because I only had an hour left and I still had the essay to write) and when it came to the essay, during the planning, I only came up with two cons for the essay (it was about whether high schools should form corporate partnerships and use the corporations advertisements to help spread the news about the sports) even though I was supposed to have three pros and three cons. With 40 minutes left, I wrote a good opening paragraph (I didn’t have time to touch up on my vocab, but I tried to do well, it included the theis I was going for the pro side and also the pros and cons) and I got to the second paragraph which I wrote about pros which were that it would encourage school spirit since more people would come if they knew reputable company was advertising and getting the news out and more people coming would mean more fans supporting the players. Another pro is to fundraise for school since by partnering with corporations, the school would attract more people and therefore attain more money for renovating school programs. The cons were the advertisements would distract student from their school works and it can be risky to rely on businesses because they can decline. I was having trouble putting evidence to support my pros in the second paragraph, I couldn’t think of corporations except for Apple and NBC news and was trying to make connections to them and how it would be a positive if high school sports aligned with them to advertise sports. I think I said that if high school sports were to align with Apple and make a negotiation that for every fan who goes to high school game would get 10% off Apple products, then the school would earn more money and more people would buy Apple products, but I’m not sure that was a good example. Anyway with 3 minutes left, I couldn’t think of any examples of how a corporation (specific name of corporation) could sponsor a high school sports game could increase morale of players and how it would help the school in its fundraising. I think i said something about how it would be less money for the school to advertise and that because the company would advertise for them, they didn’t have to worry about spending time getting the word out and also that the word could be spread further. i didn’t get to the cons paragraph because I ran out of time. Anyway, after the ap english midterm, I was just tired and was grateful that one of my friends was around and he and I talked about the exam and comforted each other. He said he didn’t do well on the ap english either, but I think he probably got a 5/9 and I got a 3/9. I have algebra 2 honors finals tomorrow and I hope I do well on that. Also I am nervous about SATs on saturday, but there is supposely a snowstorm coming up so I’m not sure. the guy that I had a strong connection with since seventh grade is worried that I’m being too hard on myself and I’m afraid that I’m losing myself. He seems glad to know I have two guy friends in ap english that help me, but he is also worried because I have a lot on my mind this week. Yet, i’m glad i have friends and support from you guys on tinybuddha, thanks a lot!

    #93248
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley:

    You definitely do have a lot on your mind and no wonder, with all these exams, time limit on each exam and strict demands, like 3 pros and 3 cons, no less in so much time… this is a lot of pressure. And tomorrow algebra 2 Honors, the day after tomorrow SAT, for crying out loud, this is a lot! There should be a law against so many exams in a week!

    But you are doing the best you can under pressure and you are doing it well, not perfect (nobody is, nothing is)- but good enough! Glad you like the trees analogy: it is very windy here today, West WA state and trees all around my home, swaying heavily this way and that way, and no tree fell down yet, and across so many miles- you too are rooted in the ground, branches moved by the wind (the pressures, demands, time limits), but rooted in the ground.

    Keep reaching for friends for comfort…they need it too!

    Please update again, never perfect… but good enough!

    anita

    #93250
    Profile photo of Shirley
    Shirley
    Participant

    Thanks, anita;) The weather here in Northeast NJ is cold and windy and though, it is 21 degrees now, it feels like 16 degrees. It may snow late SAturday possibly a foot, but will turn to rain and possible light flooding will occur. I wonder what the weather forecast will do to the SATs, it turns out I just received a phone call, SATs are canceled, but I’m still wondering when they will be rescheduled. Most of the time I try to live in the moment and try not to worry about financial and school pressures and be grateful for friends, but sometimes my parents think I seem ambivalent about money and they rag me about it. I try to look at both the positive and negative sides in life and am mostly a realist. However, sometimes it’s hard when you have college applications to think about next year and especially when your parents keep ragging you about how everything requires money. Although i try really hard in school, it can be hard for me to retain all information because my mind gets sidetracked at times and that’s when my parents think I’m not applying myself hard in school, although my gpa is 97.5. Also there are times when my parents compare me with my brother who is really good at logical thinking, solving complex math problems and has technical mindset and they tell me how they wish I could be more like him, yet I am more like a creative writer and scientist.

    #93318
    Profile photo of anita
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Shirley:

    You are welcome. It is 11 AM Friday, your time, so I am imagining you are having an exam. I hope you are doing well (good enough, no such thing as perfect), that you are doing well enough under the pressure you are in, time limits and demands. I hope you reach out to peers like you did… yesterday, was it, after the last exam. I hope you do communicate to your parents that if their motivation is that you will do well in school, that less pressure coming from their end will be helpful… to their motivation.

    Till later, take care and relax on your day off tomorrow.

    anita

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