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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • October 11, 2016 at 8:30 pm #117869
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I wonder how your bully-free week has been going.

    You wrote: “if i try to talk to them to seek advice for a friend who is LGBT or depressed, they say “she/he is crazy. you shouldn’t associate with them.” – well, you know your parents’ position on boys vs girls, LGBT people and (now I know) about depressed people, so don’t seek their advice on these issues.

    You wrote a few posts ago that your father is good with tools. Seek his advice regarding tools.
    You know your parents are not… good with gender roles, mental health and sexual orientation, well don’t seek their advice in areas they are not good at, or educated about.

    Learn WHAT to ask for from WHOM. Hope you post again- let me know if you noticed me going Anonymous and what you felt or feel about it, including me using a new account/ username (castingman)- I still feel strange about the whole thing; wished my account wasn’t deleted and that my username was still my real name..

    anita

    October 12, 2016 at 2:26 pm #117962
    Janus
    Participant

    i hope your account can be recovered and i’m glad that you have a backup with your husband’s account. the computers crashed yesterday during school and most of my java programs were possibly deleted (i hope not, b/c i would have to redo the coding again. i have the temperature conversion saved on a google doc so that one’s okay. but i may have to redo my address/name/phone one). i have become better at working on java and i was in the middle of the address/name/phone program that i created which would allow the computer to recognize me as the user and when i asked it questions such as “what is the user’s address?” it would respond. i think other classmates had the same problem so i’m not the only one. i like your idea of seeking advice from different people on different issues and you haven’t gone Anonymous yet. so i succeeded in two days of a bully-free zone. i meditated on monday in which i didn’t have school and i hung out with laid-back friends on tuesday and we made thanksgiving cards for seniors. i liked the drawing and the idea of sending well wishes to senior citizens. today, there is a strange calling that keeps telling me to tell the source of my inner bully b/c i can feel it starting to creep in. there is a voice in my mind that keeps saying “speak, get the truth out and seek advice to uproot the inner bully.” i think i will, can you give me advice on this story?

    here goes:
    i really enjoyed playing lacrosse when i was in elementary school. i was also good at soccer and most other sports (except volleyball and baseball), but i never really cared much for athletics. i often found myself when i was in elementary school while others were at recess, i would read or draw or help the teacher. i also enjoyed learning about tools and how they worked. i was often teased b/c i wasn’t interested in sports and often my classmates would make remarks toward my ethnicity calling me a “geeky asian girl. or a tomboy that wasn’t a tomboy b/c i wasn’t very interested in athletics.” i never really noticed their comments or remarks, in fact i laughed at myself along with them and most of the time they would go away and bother someone else upon which i would step in and defend that person. i was the person who would always sit with someone who was different or being bullied no matter whatever the people said and is still do that now. also i was young at that time and the world was new and i had a lot of good friends and great teachers so i didn’t really let the teasing sink in. in middle school, most of my friends left to go other places and i was finding my way through a new school. in sixth grade, the first year of middle school i was quite shy and really into academics (got straight A’s). there was a girl who used to crack bad jokes about me to her friends, but i realized she was just jealous b/c i was better at school work then she was. i had a a few guy friends that would defend me and i didn’t really pay her much thought b/c she didn’t really bother me much. there were times when i saw her as an insecure person and i would help her and she would be quite nice, in fact we are friends now and she is quite good at academics as well. sixth grade was the time when i became a buddhist wiccan since one of my guy friends was one. i think the bullying started to sink in at seventh grade. most of my friends were in different classes and no one really wanted to be my friend, they all thought i was weird b/c i was a buddhist wiccan. some were also jealous b/c i was in advanced algebra due to my test scores in sixth grade. i tried to be friends with some people, but they would ignore me and it hurt. i would hear whispers saying “look there goes that girl who sold her soul to the devil” even though wicca is a nature oriented religion and it is using natural energy of the divine to bring about harmony and balance with nature. buddhism is about walking your own path and making your choices, making yourself whole much like wicca in the balance with nature. but i met jaydah who was a great person and one of my first closest lacrosse friends. but she moved away during the end of first semester. i made friends with elisha, but she wasn’t the best person to be friends with. she made me quite depressed b/c she would often talk about how the world was against her and how death would be better. i was friends with her b/c she was quite good at math and advanced algebra got tougher during the second semester and i needed her help. but she really dragged me down and made my potential for friendships seem to lessen even more b/c i got more labels attached to me. people would look at me and say “look there goes the two crazy and delusional people who are depressed.” during this time, i had another friend i often saw at lacrosse and his name was andrew L. (not the same andrew who is good at science, he is andrew W.). i often ran track with him and played lacrosse, but i didn’t see him often, but he had a good sense of humor, andrew L. and i are still friends now. so elisha made me quite depressed, but toward the end of the second semester, i met my special friend. he and i shared a public speaking class together and i helped him with his hw. he invited me to play soccer with him. there were times when i felt so sad b/c i didn’t think i had friends and my special friend would say “i’m here for you, it’s okay.” he introduced me to his friends and they became my friends and they played soccer, lacrosse and hockey so we would often play together and we still do. my special friend kept telling me that elisha wasn’t a good friend for me and she was heading for trouble, but i didn’t want to believe him, i wanted to help elisha. towards eighth grade, i felt like i was burdened by a lot of weight b/c i was quite sad and sometimes cried myself to sleep. i often didn’t think anyone cared about me b/c i didn’t have many friends. but my special friend and his friends were always their throughout seventh and eighth grade to help me through. towards the second semester of my eighth grade year, my language arts teacher put me next to a girl whom i admired her artistic ability an confidence. the girl didn’t pay much attention to me though except when we worked together. my special friend changed that, he pretended he was bullying me and it caught the girl’s attention and she told him to stop. when he laughed and went away, i heard the girl mutter to herself “this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve to be bullied.” so the girl whose name is aaliyah wrote me a note saying that she felt bad that i was being bullied and she asked if we could be friends upon i said sure. she is one of my closest friends today. she said that at first she had the same first impression other people had of me that i was weird, but when my special friend role-played bullying, she realized that i was just a normal person who needed a friend. then aaliyah glared at my special friend and said ‘that wasn’t very nice.” upon which my special friend said he had been joking and just trying to make friends. anyway, aaliyah asked me just to be sure and now both my special friend, aaliyah and me are friends. anyway, when i became friends with aaliyah, i dropped elisha as my friend b/c she wasn’t a good person too be around. it was hard at first, but aaliyah and my special friend pulled me through it. anyway during high school, i made a vow that i wasn’t going to let the bullies define who i was. freshman year of high school went by and it was great. i had lots of friends and my grades were great. andrew L. and i saw more of each other in track and lacrosse. my special friend, andrew L. and me would often have fun together. toward july through october 19-ish of sophomore year i was part of the gymnastics team. the girls on the gymnastics team accepted me for who i was and i felt as if i truly belonged. i missed 3 events b/c i had to work at the restaurant, but i felt bad for missing them. i had to quit before the end of the season somewhere near nov. 14th b/c i had to help out at the restaurant and my parents needed me to help out. that is one of the disadvantages of having a restaurant, you sometimes can’t enjoy the things you care about b/c you have to work. my gymnastics teammates are still my friends, but my withdrawal from the team made me feel sad. my teammates had provided me with support and also helped me with school work, they gave me confidence in myself. during gymnastics season somewhere around august 27, when i came home from gymnastics practice a guy was being sexist b/c he saw me wearing a leotard. he said “you don’t have the body for a gymnast. your pussy is too big. you’re showing off your body, you think you’re so good. but you are a weak, pathetic loser.” i was shocked at his comment, but i just walked away. since i was still in gymnastics at that time, i let the incident go and it didn’t matter b/c i was surrounded by positive and encouraging people. the memory didn’t bother me when i had to quit gymnastics or throughout my sophomore year. it is really strange how my inner bully decided to show up during march of my junior year and it hadn’t through any of the other times. march of junior year was the formation of the inner bully, the hurtful self-criticism that kept at me. in february 23rd when i took the sats and received a 1490/2400, my parents ragged me saying that i wasn’t going to make it into college. i wasn’t really upset then b/c i knew i had other chances. but an incident during gym of junior year triggered the memory of what happened sophomore year that i had thought was gone. a guy made fun of me and called me ugly and said that i had no right to be good at sports b/c i was a girl. he went even further with his insults by saying that i was pretending to be a boy and i didn’t have the body of an athlete. he said that my chest wasn’t toned, that i had big thighs and my butt was large. this hurt and it triggered back the memory of sophomore year when someone was being sexist. however, i forgot about for a while b/c i had friends such as andrew w (science) and dave who were great people. i also developed a workout program and was quite happy with myself until june came around and somehow my inner bully just broke through. all summer i tried to hide my body afraid someone would make a rude comment about it. i felt inferior to guys being a girl. i would work out in nature alone where no one would see me and i hid myself. every day there would be the voice of my inner bully saying “look the guys were right. you will never be an athlete. you are powerless as a girl. you’re chest is too big. look everyone hates you. you’re nothing.” all i wanted was peace from the chatter in my mind. i achieved peace in july of junior year through meditation, but something triggered the inner bully again when my parents yelled at me for not knowing any life skills and the inner bully picked that up and was at full watt saying “see no one likes you. you’re a failure. you know nothing.” there will always be something that triggers my inner bully and i need to work on letting my inner bully go. i’m in my senior year of high school and still working on letting go of the past. however, i’m unsure of how to let go and be the confident person i used to be. also this is the reason i’m not good with relationships b/c i’m not sure how to trust someone, i’m afraid a person will see me as a weak person and will betray me.

    October 12, 2016 at 6:06 pm #117970
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I think you missed all my drama here: my account was deletes so everywhere where it was once “anita” – including on your thread (the longest thread running…) it read “Anonymous”- instead of my name. My account was recovered earlier today and in all the places where it read “Anonymous” – it was back to my name. I think you didn’t log in here while I was “Anonymous.” Anyway, I did not like to be Anonymous (My inner bully probably liked it though…)

    Uprooting the inner bully will take time, more time and mindfulness (paying attention, learning, getting wiser- which you are!), it is a process and you are doing well.

    I didn’t read your story yet (a sentence here and there) but will read it tomorrow morning when my brain is fresh. If you get this message before tomorrow, let me know: who is the story directed to? Who is going to read it, other than me and is it going to be graded? If so, what are the guidelines for the story? (If you told me already, I must have forgotten- lost some of my memory while being Anonymous, perhaps).

    anita

    October 13, 2016 at 9:19 am #118018
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Your Story, my editing: I eliminated redundant words, “really” “also” “often” “and” “so”, other repetitions and ambiguous contradictory stuff) because it was in the way of making the important points, diluting the potency of the real issues.

    * Regarding the names of students you are using, if your story is to be given to a teacher who may know those students, better use fictitious names.

    * If you are trying to include as many words as possible (# of words being a requirement), fine, but not at the cost of quality. If you believe the following HEAVILY edited version includes what you are trying to communicate, and strongly, then you can add to it but not dilute it.

    ** (after the editing): my goodness, Shirley! I became emotional, disturbed and sad to read what the bullies told you, the words they used, how hurtful they were- and still are as they are used my the inner bully. I am so sorry you heard those words. I am sad. I just finished the editing and I think I did a very good job. Your story now is much clearer, not repetitious, strong in the emotions expressed and the issues brought up. Let me know what you think.

    Here is my edited version of your story:

    I never cared for athletics when I was in elementary school. I often found myself while at recess reading, drawing or helping the teacher. I was often teased because I wasn’t interested in sports. My classmates made remarks about my ethnicity, calling me a “geeky Asian girl”. I laughed at myself along with them, and most of the time they would go away and bother someone else. When they did, I stepped in and defended that person. I was the person who would sit with someone who was different and who was bullied.

    In Elementary, I was young and the world was new. I had a lot of good friends and great teachers, so the teasing didn’t sink in. In middle school, Sixth grade, a new school, without most of my friends from Elementary, I was became shy and focused academics (got straight A’s). There was a girl who used to crack bad jokes about me to her friends. I had a few guy friends who defended me. There were times when I saw her as an insecure person and I helped her with school work. In fact, we are friends now.

    It was during sixth grade that I became a Buddhist-wiccan, following one of my guy friends. At seventh grade, most of my friends were in different classes, and no one in my classes wanted to be my friend. They all thought I was weird because I was a Buddhist-wiccan. A few were jealous because I had higher test scores and was in advanced algebra.

    I tried to be friends with some students, but they ignored me. That hurt! I heard other students whisper: “look there goes that girl who sold her soul to the devil!”

    Wicca is a nature oriented religion. It is using natural energy of the divine to bring about harmony and balance with nature. Buddhism is about walking your own path and making your choices, making yourself whole, much like Wicca.

    I met Jaydah, a Lacrosse friends. but she moved away during the end of first semester. I made friends with Elisha, but she often talked about how the world was against her and how death would be better. She dragged me down and I got more labels attached to me by other students for being her friend; they said: “Look, there goes the two crazy and delusional people who are depressed.”

    Toward the end of the second semester of the seventh grade I met my special friend. He and I shared a public speaking class and I helped him with his homework. He invited me to play soccer with him. There were times when I felt so sad, thinking I had no friends, and my special friend would say “I’m here for you, it’s okay.”

    He introduced me to his friends and they became my friends. We played soccer, lacrosse and hockey. My special friend kept telling me that Elisha wasn’t a good friend for me and she was heading for trouble, but I didn’t want to believe him. I wanted to help Elisha.

    As eighth grade came along, I felt l burdened, sad and sometimes I cried myself to sleep. I often didn’t think anyone cared about me because I didn’t have many friends. But my special friend and his friends were always there for me throughout seventh and eighth grade to help me through difficult times.

    During the second semester of my eighth grade year, I met Aaliyah. She is one of my closest friends today. she said that at first she had the same first impression other people had of me, that I was weird, but later, she realized that I was a normal person who needed a friend.

    When I became friends with Aaliyah, I dropped Elisha as my friend. It was hard at first, but Aaliyah and my special friend pulled me through it.

    During high school, I made a vow that I wasn’t going to let bullies define who I was. In freshman year of high school, I had lots of friends and my grades were great. Last year I was part of the gymnastics team. the girls in the team accepted me for who I was and I felt that I truly belonged in the team. My teammates provided me with support and gave me confidence in myself. I had to quit the team, though, before the end of the season because I had to help out at my parents’ restaurant. My gymnastics teammates are still my friends, but my withdrawal from the team made me feel sad.

    Still during the gymnastics season, when I came home from a practice, a guy saw me wearing a leotard. He said: “you don’t have the body for a gymnast. Your **** is too big. You’re showing off your body. You think you’re so good, but you are a weak, pathetic loser.”

    I was shocked at his comment and walked away. Later, in my junior year, those hurtful, critical words kept repeating themselves, in my own mind.

    Later on another guy made fun of me, calling me Ugly, saying I had no right to be good at sports because I was a girl. He went further with his insults, saying that I was pretending to be a boy and I didn’t have the body to be an athlete. He said that my chest wasn’t toned, that I had big thighs and that my behind was too large.

    I developed a workout program and felt happy about it, but later my inner criticism started again and I tried to hide my body, afraid that someone will make a rude comment about it. I felt inferior to guys for being a girl.

    I worked out in nature, alone, where no one would see me and i hid myself. My inner critic, whom I call my inner bully, often said to me: “look, the guys were right. You will never be an athlete. You are powerless as a girl. Your chest is too big. Look, everyone hates you. You’re nothing.”

    All I wanted was peace from the chatter in my mind. I achieved some peace in July of junior year through meditation, but something triggered my inner bully again when my parents yelled at me for not knowing any life skills (they criticized me repeatedly before for not having good enough grades and otherwise). My inner bully picked that up and was at full watt saying: “See no one likes you. You’re a failure. You know nothing.”

    There will always be something that will trigger my inner bully and I need to work on letting my inner bully go. As I type this, I am in my senior year of high school, and still working on letting go of the past. However, I’m unsure of how to let go and be a confident person. I am not sure how to trust someone. I am afraid a person will see me as a weak person and will betray me.

    October 13, 2016 at 2:16 pm #118043
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks for your edits anita, my essay was just a template for my college essays so when it comes to the real essay, i may add some stuff and revise other stuff. i will still make it appealing and emotional, but not too dark. i wrote the essay to bring my inner bully to light and now that i’ve gotten the story off my chest, i feel much lighter. also my special friend and i saw each other after 2nd block today just before lunch. he asked how my classes were going and i said they were fine. he could tell i was lying, so he followed me to my locker and when a lot of the other students left, he asked me again. i didn’t feel like telling him, but he was very compassionate and said “i’ll always be here for you.” so i told him about how i was afraid that i wouldn’t do well in ap calc and ap biology. he then hugged me and said it would be okay and that i was a smart person and things would sort out well. at lunch he also kept a watch out for me when i was doing my hw and when i felt upset over a problem , he came over and encouraged me to do it my best. i also told him that i was afraid that since he now had a gf, he didn’t care about me anymore and he said “i’ll always care for you. i know you’ve been through alot. and i will continue to help you b/c we have been through a lot together and we’ll make it no matter what happens.” he is just such a great guy. we even talked about college applications and he helped me be a lot more optimistic about them;)

    October 13, 2016 at 6:17 pm #118052
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I thought about you on my two hours walk in the rain. I know, from personal experience, how badly words can hurt. I was thinking how you must have been hurt when that terrible bully said to you what he did after gym. That bully had it in his mind, it seems to me, that you were wearing that leotard so to … sexually stimulate men. He had a pre-existing pathway of anger against women doing what he thought you were doing, so he lashed out at you angrily, unleashing words and anger he may have heard his father say to his mother, maybe, during fights. Those words were not about you.

    It hurts me to think how you were hurt then and how those words still hurt.

    I like your essay and I like my editing of it. I hope you use the editing as you continue to work on your essay.

    Make peace with your body, Shirley. Don’t let that bully win and disarm your inner bully again and again. Have empathy for yourself, for being a recipient of cruelty.

    You are such a precious child, teenager and a very young woman. Your special friend values you very much and so do I. And so do others. There will always be those who will not because they don’t know you, don’t care to know and instead, they recycle their own pre-existing anger, projecting it on innocent others.

    You are doing well, Shirley. I am proud of you, for sharing as much as you did in your essay, for expressing what was so very painful to experience then. I am impressed. This truly is healing.

    Till your next post, take care of precious Shirley, Earth Angel.

    anita

    October 14, 2016 at 1:32 pm #118219
    Janus
    Participant

    thanks a lot anita for your advice. so i had two quizzes and a test today. i think i got a 50 in my ap calc quiz b/c i made a lot of idiotic algebra errors. i got a 100 on my u.s. history 2 quiz and a 93 on my java test. my brain is a bit exhausted today, so i am going to write a poem. i have many poems already written that i want to post, but i need to find time. i also finished the poem about you and i will post it, i have started a new poem called “Rebuilding Myself” and it’s about finding myself and embracing who i am.

    October 15, 2016 at 12:27 pm #118263
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I understand the academic pressure you are under and your brain being exhausted as a result.

    I sure am looking forward to read more of your poems, including the one about me. There has been a storm going on where I live and serious damage to power lines was done by the strong wind. As a result I have no power and no internet at home! I am using a business location in the city to write this. I may have no power and internet for days to come. I will check and post any chance I get though. If I don’t- it means… I am powerless.

    Take good care of yourself, Shirley, Earth Angel!

    anita

    October 15, 2016 at 3:06 pm #118268
    Janus
    Participant

    i hope you get your power back anita and the storm didn’t dampen your spirits;) hope the internet works again and whatever else is put back into order. after taking ap calc this year and physics honors last year, i realize i have been able to calculate the angle and the force needed to lift a tight lid from a paint bucket. i have also been able to figure out quickly how many spaces or lines i may fill up in my java computer programs using math. i have found that my ability to draw art and nature scenes has improved due to ap biology since i always draw cells and also being in advanced math has allowed me to calculate the angles and lengths of the images so i can plan them better. also being in art club has let me express my creativity and i find myself writing poetry more spontaneously than before. i also have better time management now b/c i can split my hw into good amount of pieces that i can tackle. i’ll plan a schedule and rotate subjects and i’ll calculate the time intervals i can spend doing that subject. my mind also knows what color to use to color-code my notes for ap biology as well. ap biology this year has made me appreciate the intricacies of the human body, also i have been using science and math in my u.s history ii class. here is a lyric interpretation i did for the song by Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down:

    “Did you see the sky
    I think it means that we’ve been lost”

    The guy is looking at the clouded sky trying to find clarity, but he feels lost. He’s looking for answers to his life or his relationship.

    “Maybe one last time is all we need
    I can’t really help it
    If my tongue’s all tied in knots”

    This stanza makes me think this song is indeed about a broken relationship. The guy wants another chance to make things right, but he is not really sure how to tell her his true feelings. This can also be a reference to times when we want second chances in life because we aren’t really sure how to express ourselves. We want another chance to make things right and say the things left unspoken whether in a relationship or some other communication.

    “Jumping off a bridge is just the farthest
    That I’ve ever been”

    Sometimes life is difficult and there will be heartbreaks and failures. The guy feels as if the bridges of connection between him and the girl have been dissolved and it feels like he has fallen or jumped off the bridge. We all have those times in which we feel as if we are sad and at the end of our rope.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    The guy still cares about her and will still follow her anywhere she goes in his memory. When it says “Anyplace, but those I know by heart,” it’s a reference to how he’ll remember her always and follow her spirit, but traveling down the memories they shared together are still painful for him. The guy says “I’ll follow you down, but not that far’ as a reference to that he’ll still love her, but he’ll move on. He won’t let her make him sad, but he’ll remember the memories and use them to grow. After all life is a journey, we follow our dreams (and what we believe in) and the things we love and sometimes we experience failure or rejection, but we should have the courage to move on and let go.

    ” I know we’re headed somewhere
    I can see how far we’ve come”

    The guy knows that their relationship has progressed quite far and knows they’re both headed for good things. This can also be interpreted as a message of hope of not giving up on love and your dreams, appreciating how far you’ve come and keep going.

    “But still I can’t remember anything
    Let’s not do the wrong thing”

    The guy is not really sure if they will always be together. He does not want to jump to anything rash. He may still be working on sorting out his feelings for her and does not want to jump into anything too committed. We all have those times when our minds are confused and were not sure how to act and this song is saying to wait so you don’t do the wrong thing.

    “And I’ll swear it might be fun
    It’s a long way down
    When all the knots we’ve tied have come undone”

    The love may grow with time and the confidence may also grow. It may be worthwhile to wait until the way has cleared. With time, he may find ways to express his love for her and they may find ways to untangle their complicated problems. So this stanza is about having patience and hope, letting the problems slowly unravel themselves.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    In the meantime the guy will still keep the girl in his heart. But he’ll give both of them time and not follow her that far to sort their emotions out. Sometimes in life once you work out a way, you can follow the road by heart. So the guy is waiting for his heart to show him a path, so he can keep the girl he cares about.

    “How you gonna ever find your place
    Running in an artificial pace”

    The guy may be questioning himself about his place with her or in the world. He feels he isn’t chasing his dreams at a real pace. As time goes on, he may be thinking that he isn’t really chasing after his dreams, but a fantasy. We all have those times when we feel discouraged and think our dreams are slipping away, but we shouldn’t let them go. As Langston Hughes once said “Hold fast to dreams, for when dreams die, life is like a broken bird without wings.” If you don’t have dreams that you truly care about, not those that the world tells you, you should pursue, then you don’t have anything to stand for so you will fall for everything. So hold tight to your dreams no matter who you are!

    “Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand
    So what the hell now we’ve already been forever damned”

    The guy may be saying that the world will find both him and the girl together in death. He feels that he can’t have her in life and he doesn’t care what others say since he feels that he’s been forever damned. This stanza is a bit sad because he loses hope of gaining confidence in himself and being with the girl, but in the end, it doesn’t matter because he’s with her so that has some lighter note. But this stanza is a bit sad. Whatever happens don’t give up hope! There will be people for you to help you learn to be confident and to trust in love.

    “Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    Anyplace but those I know by heart
    Anywhere you go, I’ll follow you down
    I’ll follow you down, but not that far”

    Again reinstating the fact, that he’ll follow her down no matter what happens and he’ll find a way to keep her in his memories.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Janus.
    October 15, 2016 at 8:02 pm #118273
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    Well, the power is down and will be down for about a whole week to come! But the internet is on. About seventy homes in my area don’t have power and as I walked to day (invigorating, to walk in the light- for now- storm), I heard generators everywhere. We have a generator too and it works sometimes, like right now. So the bad news: power is out, the good news: internet is on, for now and with a generator operating part of the day (not at night as it is noisy), it is possible for me to be on the computer.

    I like reading that you manage your time well, excellent skill. It is very important to be your own manager, manage your time and resources most effectively. Also organized note taking, using colors, is a good skill to have. Keep improving your time and resource management and note taking skills. Good to read you write poetry more spontaneously (the poem making fun of the inner bully is fun and most spontaneous, I am still impressed!)

    Regarding your lyric interpretation for the song by Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down, interesting, well thought of and felt. As I read your interpretations I kept thinking of your special friend as maybe, somewhat, the guy in the song. I was wondering. You mentioned the names of many of your friends and peers in school but never did you write the name of your special friend. And feel free to not share his name. But the fact that you didn’t write his name here means to me that indeed he is different, for you, than any other person in your life. All I know about his looks is that he has blue eyes, you wrote that once.

    Well, time to turn off the generator. I intend to come back to the computer tomorrow morning when the generator is turned back on. Hope the internet will still be on tomorrow and that the generator will work.

    anita

    October 15, 2016 at 9:02 pm #118274
    k e
    Participant

    “awkward in social situations, my stomach is churning and my mind is racing right now just thinking about it. It’s as if I am afraid of people”

    Natalina, I totally agree with you. There are some days where I want to crawl up into a ball and never get up. The great thing is, I always get up, and I look at the positive things in life. I feel frustrated all of the time, and it’s a cycle that I don’t think that I’ll ever understand.

    October 17, 2016 at 4:27 pm #118376
    Janus
    Participant

    k.e. maybe it would be good for you to write down your feelings and reflect on them. possibly bring them to light and work them out like a puzzle to find the roots of your fear. also taking a walk out in nature being alone is a good idea, just breath in the essence of the trees and imagine yourself as strong as a tree, with your arms as branches touching the sun. if you find yourself anxious around people, you can try to be humorous about it. such as if your thoughts are “yipes, everyone is judging me!” you can imagine yourself as a clown dancing and having everyone laugh b/c you are entertaining. picture yourself flipping out that your shoes enlarge to clown size and you are dancing in the clown shoes and making people laugh. picture your hair being puffed out from stress and you showing off your new ‘do. hope the storm doesn’t damage too much anita. hope your generator works well and glad you have internet. hope the others have their power return. i have a 2 hour ap biology exam tomorrow and i am struggling a bit with ap calc rates of change, but we just started today. this song isn’t about my special friend. the song “alive” by adelitas way is more like it. oh and my special friend has blonde hair and blue eyes. here is my interpretation of the lyrics:

    “What if I told you that I think you’re perfect?
    Beautiful sky in your eyes, it’s so worth it.”

    I accept him for his flaws and I think he is perfect in my eyes. His eyes are crystal blue and they are a vast sky that shine bright every time I look at him. He makes me feel worthy and safe.

    “I know you make me feel alive.
    What if I told you that I’m in forever?”

    He makes me see the beauty in life and love. I would never betray him. He makes me feel truly connected to my divine spirit.

    “Nothing to hide, yeah, I’ll go wherever you will go.
    You make me feel alive.”

    He is really good at reading my emotions and we will always be there for each other.

    “And I’ll be hanging on every word you say to me.
    Hanging on a feeling that I get,
    ‘Cause you make me
    Laugh a little louder,
    Love a little harder.”

    We share many memories and we make each other laugh and love and realize the true meaning of life.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Every time it’s something new.
    Never knew what love could be like
    Until I walked away the first time.”

    Every time we have something new in our connection whether it’s just a glance, a smile, a hug, it lights both of us up. But we are really shy around each other so we walk away quickly. But he’s the reason I know what love is. He makes me feel like a special person.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Deep inside, it’s something true.
    You’re the only reason I fight,
    You’re the best thing in my life.”

    I know that the love I feel inside for him is true and he’s the reason that makes me smile in times of strife and encourages me to fight for what i believe in.

    “What if I told you that I’d never hurt you?
    Always be there for you to hold on to.
    I know you make me feel alive”

    I would never do anything to hurt him and would always protect him.

    “And every single second’s a lifetime memory,
    I’ll be holding on to each moment
    ‘Cause you make me
    Laugh a little louder
    Love a little harder.”

    I’m glad he is in my life because he made me a better person and I will hang on to every moment and cherish it.

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    When I’m with you”

    “And I feel alive when I’m with you
    Every time it’s something new.
    Never knew what love could feel like
    Until I walked away the first time.
    And I feel alive when I’m with you.
    Deep inside it’s something true.
    You’re the only reason I fight,
    You’re the best thing in my life.”

    October 18, 2016 at 1:27 pm #118447
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    I don’t have the internet although the power is back.

    I do hope your 2 hour ap biology exam went well today! Did it?

    I like your interpretation of the song Alive. Your special friend, what makes him most special is that he noticed that YOU are special, and he lets you know that you are indeed, special.

    I agree: you are special, Shirley, Earth Angel, and don’t you forget that, will you?

    anita

    October 18, 2016 at 4:05 pm #118452
    Janus
    Participant

    so i’m still struggling with ap calc rates of change problems mostly b/c the way the question is asked is confusing. i also have to pay attention to w2hat variables i use when setting up the equation and what method i go about to solve it b/c i could end up with extra variables to solve for or mess up somewhere. but i’m making progress. i have two choices of a career: genetic/biochemistry/molecular biology (pretty much related) or buddhist nun. so i realize another reason my inner bully was triggered is that when i was younger, i didn’t live in a good town and there were assaults and rapes going on. so i passed myself off as a guy to be safe. now that i am older, i have that fear, that i need to pass off as a guy, keep my body extremely fit in case that happens again and i need to protect myself. this constant nagging thought in my mind “you won’t be safe with anyone unless you can pass off as strong and like a guy” has been making me feel annoyed b/c i feel so self-conscious of myself. also my parents are very patriarchal and it annoys me b/c i just want to learn to appreciate myself as i am. every time i hear stories of gender roles in society, i have that memory triggered again and i think i am powerless as a girl. about the careers, i think a buddhist nun would be great b/c i would be away from people and out in nature meditating. i would be with others like me finding my spiritual purpose. i also like science a lot so i may be a scientist as well. being a scientist would allow me to work with people of like-mind like me in a lab. so in my career choice, i want to help people and myself as well as finding a place where i can interact with people who share similar views. i wonder if i can have both buddhist nun and scientist. i may find a place near a forest away from too many people and be with nature. i ran 3 miles at six this morning and it was so quiet and peaceful, i looked at the bright yellow moon and saw my shadow elongate and dissipate in the streetlights as i ran through the streets. there was no one to judge me, there were no cars, there was nothing but an all pervasive silence, in which i could run like the wind and be myself without anything holding me back. i am not like my parents who get stressed and let their stress run them. i want to be different from the people who let their stress run them, i want to be different from the people who don’t see the beauty in life. that’s why i would like to spend time alone with myself in nature to drink in the very being of my existence and know what it is like to be alive and be grateful.

    October 19, 2016 at 5:29 pm #118518
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Shirley, Earth Angel:

    A Buddhist nun and a scientist. At the least, a Buddhist nun in between-the-ears is something you can continue to practice in your current, every day life. The more you silence the inner bully, the less judgment you will experience.

    You brought up gender roles many times before, and I know it bothers you. I learned that boys and girls, men and women are not that different. All feel hurt and pain, fear and anger just the same. And both can and do hurt others. There is no good-gender and bad-gender. And the physical strength advantage of the male gender is not so important in our advanced technological society.

    You are a girl, a young woman but mostly you are a human being and an Earth Angel. You are not supposed to be more feminine, wear skirts etc. Many girls/ women do not! You decide.

    Till later, take care of genderless Earth Angel.

    anita

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