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Trying to find myself

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #144949
    Christopher
    Participant

    Back and fourth, back and fourth, fear, anger and ecstasy. Attachment to one solution to balance me has been a story that never seems to end. A best friend, a woman, sex, a drug, a form of entertainment, a feeling, an excuse. Something i can use to run away from my fear, feel some short term elation or long term panic and low, then turning to anger or hopelessness that in turn draw me back into craving something to elate me.

    It is difficult to pin point exactly the moment where this pattern became a theme. But it has driven me to diagnosis that is so ingrained in my behavior i am considered mentally ill and as a result hospital and chasing the undesired situations have followed. Self respect has been lost years ago. With glimpses appearing.  All the things that i want, strength, focus, calm, energy confidence and achievement to grow as a person have all been illusive with some appearance but i am hugely disappointed because i know my potential is much greater. Its hard to know where to go? who to gravitate towards? what to do? when your running from yourself and these patterns seem never ending. I have had counselors, therapists, medication and i get to a point then i start i go into the patterns again and again. Which is becoming very draining. I do this whole i will change everything today thing, it lasts, then fades, then i resort back. I have had runs of it but i always seem to need a clutch to give me that elation and ecstasy which leads to misery because i don’t want to stop chasing it.

    I realize this is a part of me. I have come to these realizations before.

     

    I would love to express the person that does not fear others opinions, that has self confidence, i want him to shine. I am lost of how to do?

     

    #145005
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christopher:

    Your life seems to be about extremes, either all the way there or all the way the other way, ecstasy or despair. You wrote: “I do this whole i will change everything today thing, it lasts, then fades, then i resort back. ”

    You can’t change EVERYTHING. And the solution to despair is not in ecstasy.

    You got to learn patience, taking a little step here and a little step there, going slowly; got to be satisfied with feeling… just okay, not ecstatic, not elated… just okay. Lower your expectations, be okay with being in the Middle.

    Mindfulness will be a great thing for you to practice.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    #145015
    Christopher
    Participant

    Thank you for your response. I do chase highs. I suppose I try to make up for lost time and regrets. Life has been chaotic so when it seems to be finding more of a balance I will move towards the chaos again. As I said I try to find that one person to place my hope in. But obviously this is unrealistic. I want to be able to take little steps and build but I seem to get caught up in these surges that everything is not all right and dramatic change must come.

    #145049
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christopher:

    In your original post you wrote: “It is difficult to pin point exactly the moment where this pattern became a theme”- you chasing the highs, these surges you mentioned, the drive to create a dramatic change, these are the neuropathways in your brain, physical neuropathways that were formed in your childhood.

    A term for childhood is “Formative Years”- because during our childhood most of our neuropathways are formed. These create the habits of your thinking, feeling and behaviors.

    Nothing but the extremely patient practice of Mindfulness, over time, with insight into the past and present, can change those habits, undo the pathways, little by little. It is possible, it can be done, but it is difficult, requires help (competent psychotherapy to learn the skills to do it), and it is very, very slow. Success is not a one-time-dramatic event.

    And you can not make up for lost time and past misery.

    Would you like to share, to “pin point exactly the moment (those Formative Years) where this pattern became a theme”?

    anita

    #145103
    Christopher
    Participant

    I am thinking a lot of it comes down to bullying that occured from the age of 11 to 17. I was in fear. And I would suppressed this fear with risky behaviour. Then drugs. Now in my adult life it is a pattern of not trusting or feeling close to anyone. Thinking relationships are instant. And turning to sex or other highs just to feel some comfort. After that going back to if I change everything people will like me and want me I need to be someone different because I cannot connect and trust people

     

    #145159
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christopher:

    I didn’t understand your last sentence: if I change everything people will like me… I need t be someone different because I cannot connect and trust people”-

    Can you explain?

    You wrote that you cannot trust people. Do you believe all/ most people are trustworthy and it is your problem that you don’t trust them?

    anita

    #145167
    Christopher
    Participant

    Yes I don’t trust people generally.. I suppose I think if I can do these amazing things I can prove people wrong and have some come upence

    #145259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christopher:

    I didn’t understand the word “upence”.

    Regarding not trusting people generally- it is unwise to trust people automatically or even generally, as not every person is trustworthy. You have to evaluate a person over time and learn if a specific person is trustworthy or not, and in what areas. This is one reason why “instant relationships” (the term you used) are unwise.

    anita

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