March 19, 2017 at 11:28 pm #140691
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. The first 2 or 3 months of our relationship were wonderful. We felt connected on every level and believed we had found a long term partner in each other. (we are both in our forties) At the beginning of the year I said those 3 little words ..” I love you” and he couldn’t say them back. He said he is quite sure he will ‘get there’ and say them but is cautious to say them at this stage of the relationship. He has repeatedly said to me that he ‘wants to allow himself to love me and be loved in return’ ….and has acknowledged he has work to do around opening his heart. He followed my suggestion and has started counselling. He says he want to be someone with me who can be 100% emotionally committed to me. We also don’t see much of each other due to his very intensive and high pressured job which has taken him off to the far east constantly over the last 6 weeks. When I have seem him he has been exhausted and there’s been no space for real intimacy or fun. He is like a shut down zombie. This looks like it will carry on until this particular contract ends in 2 months time approx. We spoke on the phone a few nights ago and he sounded like an emotionless robot…..not the man I have come to know and love. He said he is just trying to ‘stay alive’ right now with the constant long haul travelling (11 hr flight there and 11 hrs back each week) and demanding corporate work schedule. on ‘us’. During our last conversation a few nights ago, he asked me to be as patient and understanding with him as I can be for the time being … but also said he wanted me to do what I feel is right for me. He emphasised again that he wants to open his heart to me and be able to fully love me and that it might take time due to emotional trauma that occurred 8 years ago during his divorce. He says he is doing his absolute best right now and I think I believe him.
This is my first relationship after a 3 year total break from romance. I took time for myself to recover and replenish after the death of my Father and an end to an emotionally abusive relationship. It felt like such a brave thing to finally feel ready and open to the potential of a new relationship. I feel disappointed that my open heart is not being met …and I am constantly feeling the need to dampen down my excitement, enthusiasm and love for this man because those feelings aren’t met. He is however a good and gentle man with the willingness to work on himself …..I just don’t know how long I can ‘wait’ for him to open to me. I really don’t know what to do. many thanks.March 20, 2017 at 9:58 am #140793
Dear cassie Eve:
From your account he seems to be a decent, honest man- most important requirements in a potential long-term/ life partner. He seems to be aware of his mind and heart and willing to explore and progress into a healthy, loving relationship.
His current work schedule fully explains his emotional-downsizing, or emotional minimizing so to survive such a trying schedule.
Five months is not a long time in one’s forties, I think. I would definitely give this relationship more time. I will not pressure him in any way to say “I love you”. I would dampen my own excitement so to fit it to reality (patience requires endurance, not excitement), and I would re-evaluate the relationship later, when his schedule allows for a relationship, and giving his counseling time.
anitaMarch 20, 2017 at 10:00 am #140795
* didn’t record…March 21, 2017 at 1:38 pm #141035
Thank you Anita ….. I believe you are right. I need to give this relationship more time ….and see what unfolds.
Thank you xxMarch 21, 2017 at 6:55 pm #141057
You are welcome, cassie Eve. Anytime.