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What are my chances to get him back?

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  • #129203
    Rica
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

    My ex broke up with me out of the blue after three months we were together. He said it would be better for us to not continue with our relationship. He also said he likes me a lot but he is not in love with me and is not sure if he can develop these feelings. Everything seemed to be fine to me. We didn´t have much time for us because of our jobs. But we tried to met as much as possible. It was three weeks ago. We spoke ocassionaly via Messenger but not about our relationship. All I wrote was that I really regret what happend but I respect his choice. Because he just doesn´t want to talk about the break up. I don´t know if there are any chances because we were together for a short time. I don´t even know if it would be better to be in touch with him or not to be. Or how often. I really wish us back together. 🙁

    What is your advice?

    #129225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    My advice is that you learn everything you can from this experience, this relationship. Once you learn all you can learn, you can have the clarity to know what to do- or not to do- next.

    To learn, I ask: when you told him that you “really regret what happened”- what were you referring to, that is: what specifically are you regretting?

    * and what are you not regretting?

    anita

    #129227
    Rica
    Participant

    I’m regretting how things between us scr**ed Up.I’m not sure what exactly was a cause of our break up but it has some reasons. 🙁

    I’m not regretting spending time with him as he is a great person, always make you a laugh. I’m glad I met him. But it was too short.

    I’m sure it had something to do with the fact I was working a lot and then I was tired and little bit annoying maybe. I can’t remember.

    But him. He was also busy.

    We should have a break not a break up in my opinion. :'(

    #129229
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    You know very little about him and about the relationship. You know he made you laugh and that felt good. You know you were both busy. You think you may have been a “little bit annoying”- maybe there is something there: how do you think you were annoying?

    anita

    #129231
    Rica
    Participant

    @anita: I think I was annoying because I had problems with intimacy. I had problems with enjoying it. I was shy. I don’t like my body. And I was also shy in other areas of life. It’s hard to me to open to other people too soon. I tried to explain him it takes a while to me to trust someone and enjoy everything. Week before the break up he said he would say his parents about me. We planned vacation together. :'(

    #129233
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    I think I understand. Feeling shy, the way you felt, it wasn’t … wrong for you to feel the way you did, you can’t help the way you feel, it is not subject to choice. Feelings just happen, they are automatic mental events. Was it annoying to him that you were shy? Maybe. People are annoyed for all kinds of reasons, I don’t know.

    He did have the opportunity, maybe, if he was able and so inclined, to help you along. You opened up to him enough to tell him about your struggle. Did he try? I don’t know (did he?)

    Being shy is the same as being afraid of rejection, ridicule and such. Everyone is afraid of something. I wonder what he was afraid of, if he shared with you. He had the chance, when you opened up to him. He could have told you then about what he is afraid of.

    Are you aware of why he withdrew from the vacation idea? If you’d like to share about your shyness, fear of intimacy, dislike of your body, anything at all, please do and I will thoughtfully reply when I am back, about six hours from now.

    anita

    #129301
    Rica
    Participant

    @anita :I know I can’t change being shy. Not that much. He took me several times to his friends but I couldn’t open myself in front of so many people. He explained to them before but I’m afraid he thought I wouldn’t be that silent.
    It was for example hard for me to express my negative feelings about something because I didn’t want to start a fight. I know it wasn’t very clever because days after I admited I wasn’t satisfied.
    I think he was afraid in falling in love again. He had a 5 yrs girlfriend he loved and she ended it. I don’t know all details but I think he was out of that feeling after one year je spent single.
    My shyness and fear of (rejection, take a responsibility, etc.) is a cause of many fails in my life. I think I have anxiety and mild form of Asperger’s. I don’t have close friends but I found some on Facebook support group.
    I don’t think I was clingy or needy or that I acted desperate in the relationship. So maybe his friends told him I’m weird and quiet.
    Next thing: My body. I can’t loose a weight. I tried almost everything but it wasn’t working. I hate every single piece of my skin. I know my face is pretty as I heard it many times before but my body is just. 🙁
    I was slim in past but since than I couldn’t return to my weight using same method of exercise and eating. Like my hormones went crazy.
    So how could I feel sexy when I was so big. It’s like my personality is stuck in this horrible thing called body.
    And my sexual apetite was low especially because I was in my job per 12 hours daily and it killed me mentally and physically.
    Why he withdrew from vacation idea? We planned it on March so break up happend three weeks ago.

    I would do anything to know what were his reasons. But I know he will not tell me because he simply don’t want to talk about it.

    #129371
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    I just came across your “update” note. Don’t know why, but I no longer get those automatic notices when my name is tagged (in an update or in a thread).

    Anxiety is an ongoing fear, on and on – with breaks. We are afraid when there is no clear-and-imminent-danger. The fear is based on past childhood experiences and it keeps circulating in our brains as adults. Anxiety is very common. You feeling awkward in social situation, like with his friends, does not mean you have a developmental disorder that you were born with (Asperger’s, if it is considered something a person is born with). Being anxious explains it plenty.

    There is no way to deal with anxiety other than slowly, gradually and patiently. If you are patient with yourself, allowing for gradual progress, allowing for times of no progress and even regression, but persisting in moving forward over time, this attitude will help you greatly. When in a relationship, he too should practice such patience with you, such gentleness. Communicating clearly with each other is most important.

    A relationship should be a win-win proposition where the two parties help each other. You needed his help and he needed your help. If the two of you held each other hand and walked together through what is scary for each walking alone, that would have been a wonderful thing.

    When you spent time in the presence of his friends, what was the purpose of such a get-together, I wonder. If his motivation was to seek their approval of you, I can only imagine that would scare you. I wouldn’t like it, if that was the case, if I was you. I wouldn’t like the idea of my boyfriend needing his friends’ approval of me. And knowing I am being tested, would have stressed me out.

    Twelve hours a day work? That would explain more than maybe a possible mild case of Asperger’s.

    Regarding your dislike of your body- very common. So very, very common, unfortunately.

    And this is my point, as it just became clear to me: don’t marginalize yourself as “weird” or one suffering from an inherent disorder, doomed for life as “different”- I used to think that way and I was wrong!

    You are not abnormal or weird, you are just anxious. It is very uncomfortable and unpleasant to be anxious, I know too well. But if you learn to not be anxious about being anxious, not to label yourself as abnormal or weird because you are anxious… that will help you.

    Fear keeps us from living better, from acting for our own benefit, absolutely. And there are ways to heal from intense fear, over time, slowly, gradually. In a relationship, you have what it takes to help your (future) boyfriend, more than you know, I am sure of that.

    Please post again, I wrote too much here, for one post.

    anita

    #129379
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    IT’s possible that he didn’t see a future with you and ended it. You may never know why, but he doesn’t owe you a response honestly. Three months is not very long. I know it’s hard, but please try to move on. I think you may be analyzing this a bit much. When we get to know people early on, it’s a lot of trial and error. It may simply be a case that your lifestyles weren’t compatible.

    Ellie

    #129451
    Rica
    Participant

    Dear @anita: Thanks for your new comment. I appreciate you found some free time to leave it here. I need to say that all your posts and the last one from @ellieslp helped me a lot to realize that maybe there was something in the air before whole break up thing happend. I noticed that he didn´t treat me the way he could. He tried only at the beginning. Then, as he get what he wanted he started to feel a boredom. I was afraid of that but when it actually came I didn´t notice because- I spent so much time in my job.

    We spoke about my anxiety, anita. But he couldn´t imagine how much it affects my life and everything. He was kind of selfish and when I was afraid of something he was also annoying and he mentioned many times he couldn´t get what I was afraid of. I think I´m trying really hard to not be depressive or hysterical, or so. When we were at his place I used to clean it and kept it tidy. He had a pure mess in his place so I made it without a word. Because I don´t like a mess. I also tried to not be a boring lover. When we had argument about something I tried to make things better.
    All I can say is that I´m naturally a good girl and if he discuss his problem in the relationship with me, maybe we could save it instead of bury it for good.

    Now I remember those words he said during that dinner we broke up: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” I was shocked and had no words. But I tried to let him know I care about him but respect it. It was was week later (when I finally woke up from that shock) but he said- “If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”
    It seems like a pretty excuse as he knew for sure I wasn´t able to reply in the moment of breaking up.

    I don´t blame anyone for what happend. I felt miserable few days after. I was also ten days late with my period so I was afraid the worst may come. Finally it didn´t. But for the moment I was wondering if possible pregnancy would change something. Naive but it crossed my mind.

    I´m working a lot because I don´t have proper education so I need to work hard. I still wonder about take some course or get higher education but I also need money for that, for rent and time as well. And for single woman is this just unimaginable. 🙁

    His friends- he knew I had those problems in group of new people. We spent New Year´s Eve with ten his best friends. Ten new people for me. I need to admit I was drinking a lot during those three days we we´re together. So I was able to communicate with them. But then we met two times after it in the pub. And I wasn´t drinking and I was quiet all the time. They were talking about University (I don´t have a diploma- all of his friends have it and he is now on doctoral studies). And they talked about cooking. I have no clue about cooking. As I don´t have a time for it and I have nobody to cook for. And just for myself? I´m ok with spaghetti. And plus- he didn´t say me they´ll be there. I thought we are going to normal “Me & him” date.

    I don´t think I´m weird. Not a lot. But when I was in his presence I never felt enough good. I never felt it in my previous relationships, too. They were very intelligent people. But I felt they coul´dn´t respect my behavior. And maybe they didn´t respect me because I had only high school. But I don´ t think I´ m stupid.

    There is one friend of mine I like. He has Asperger´s. Oficially confirmed. And I would like to try things with him as he´s on the same page, understands what I´m going through. He respects me and he is obviously into me. But I´m afraid of dating him because he had no girlfriend in the past and I don´t want to break his heart. I´m not perfect girl. OK, nobody´s perfect. But there is also one thing. He is still studying University and has no job. I know how hard is for us to find and keep a job. So I don´t know if it is good to start something with this guy. You know- I want have kids in the future and have a partner I can rely on. Asperger´s are reliable but what if he will struggle with his job and lost it everytime? I´ve been there many times. So I know sometimes trying hard is still not enough for other people. But his chances are bigger with diploma, it´s right.

    I know this is another long post but I hope you will reply because I really like your comments. Thanks a lot.

    P.S.: I´m also sorry for my English, I´m not very good in it. I was lazy to study it harder. 😛

    #129469
    Painterly
    Participant

    Hello Hungryhamster,

    You don’t sound weird to me. You sound anxious, eager to please, unsure, very normal. Don’t bother medicalising it. We’re all on the spectrum. I don’t know how old you are but am guessing you are quite young.

    If that’s so, this is the right time to explore. Get to know yourself, what you are like in a relationship, what you need in a boyfriend, what you happily contribute. It’s an information gathering time and you learned a lot from this three month relationship. Be thankful and move on. It wasn’t for you. He didn’t show the gentleness and understanding you need and it sounds like you didn’t have the same interests. So he was right to end it. Don’t obsess about it. Get your learning points and forget the rest.

    So, you need to build up your self confidence. How about night time English language classes? How about reading some English literature books? What are your interests? Sewing? Running? Building things? Coding? Psychology? Follow them. Men are like buses. Another one will be along soon.

    Painterly

    #129475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    In your second post on the thread you wrote about your ex boyfriend: “he is a great person”- but in your last post, he doesn’t read to me like a great person: “he didn´t treat me the way he could. He tried only at the beginning. Then, as he get what he wanted…” And he wasn’t supportive of you; when you shared your anxiety with him: “he was also annoying and he mentioned many times he couldn´t get what I was afraid of”

    You wrote “I think I´m trying really hard to not be depressive or hysterical, or so”- I understand you to mean that you practice some self discipline over how you express your distressing feelings. I see this as admirable. It is healthy and right for you to express your feelings, and to practice reasonable self discipline so to not overwhelm another person.

    You wrote: “I also tried to not be a boring lover”- this means to me you were very concerned about him enjoying himself, keeping him interested. But when anxious this way, fearing he will be bored, you are not relaxed enough to “forget yourself” enough to enjoy the intimate time you had with him.

    You wrote that he broke up with you, telling you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Later he said to you: “If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”- saying that “you agreed on the break up” doesn’t read honest to me, because when he broke up with you, he didn’t ask you if it was okay for you to end the relationship. He told you, he didn’t ask.

    And so I agree with your understanding that “It seems like a pretty excuse.”

    You wrote that you drank alcohol, so you were able to communicate with his friends. Alcohol calmed your anxiety, during that time. But later, when you weren’t drinking you were “quiet all the time”- alcohol and any other drug does not heal us from anxiety, as you well know. Healing takes time and work and the calming of it is gradual and permanent, not instant and temporary.

    I believe that you are intelligent enough to communicate with any university graduate. They have topics you don’t know much about, and you have topics they don’t know much about.

    Regarding your one friend who has Asperger´s. You wrote that he respects you, understands you and is interested in you- all good things. Let him know you are afraid to hurt him, and let him know your other concerns, do so respectfully and listen to his response. As you have an honest, open and respectful conversation (a series of conversations) with him, you will be clearer about what to do next, start a relationship, continue a friendship or otherwise.

    anita

    #129485
    Rica
    Participant

    @anita: To the point-> You wrote that he broke up with you, telling you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Later he said to you: “If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”- saying that “you agreed on the break up” doesn’t read honest to me, because when he broke up with you, he didn’t ask you if it was okay for you to end the relationship. He told you, he didn’t ask.

    He did ask me about my opinion. But- in that time I was so confused with his words and shocked that I simply agreed. Also I plead many times before in my previous relationships so I thought it would be better to proudly walk away. Of course it hurt. But I admited it after 1 week.

    We have talked about possible pregnancy and he showed interest and wrote me to know how I´m doing (I think he actually cared only about final results of pregnancy tests). But he said that he would take care about a baby if it happend.

    #129521
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    I am glad you are NOT pregnant and hope that it will remain this way until and if you are in a relationship that is welcoming to children, safe, loving, reliable.

    Regarding your correction, I will try to understand

    – he told you: “I can´t see any future for us. I think we´re in the end of our path.” Then he asked for your opinion. You said something like: Okay. Later he told you: ““If you said this to me before you agreed on the break up I would PROBABLY change my mind!”

    Am I understanding it correctly this time?

    If my understanding is correct, then he stated to you that he doesn’t see a future for the two of you and then asked you if you agree that there is no future for the two of you. So he wasn’t sure…?

    No one can tell the future. Did he tell you why he didn’t see a future for the two of you? Or did he ask you to predict the future, like a psychic, one who reads cards and such?

    anita

    #129523
    Rica
    Participant

    @anita: It was like- He was tired from work that day. I did a wrong thing- I wanted to talk about our relationship. I mentioned few things- “I think you don´t appreciate this and that…”. I was kind of tired and messed up, too.
    Then he said in the middle of my speech- “I think we should break up- What do you think about it?” (I was dying inside but I was afraid to show). Because he said so as such a normal thing like – What would you say if I buy new pair of socks?
    I had no words. So I said “OK, we should do it.” He asked me again “Are you sure!” I said- “If it´s what you wish I wish it too (or something like that). Then he said those things with “no future together” and that he thought about it for a while.

    In our conversation after break up he wrote- ” I just mentioned I was wondering about breaking up. I didn´t mean it.” I replied that me either. He wrote “It´s too late. I don´t want to talk about it anymore.”…

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