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What are my chances to get him back?

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  • February 26, 2017 at 11:01 am #129535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    Almost always, what happens in a relationship is a result of the input of the two participants in a relationship. Let’s look at your participation: you chose to talk to him, in a form of a speech, a one way output of words, about a difficult topic: the difficulties you experienced in the relationship. You chose to do so when he was tired, after work. Wrong timing and not a good idea to give a speech. Better say something and ask or wait for his response, and accordingly, continue or postpone the topic for another time.

    Let’s look at his part: he was not willing to have a conversation about difficulties in the relationship. One cannot have a healthy, workable relationship without talking about it. He told you that “he thought about it for a while” before the breakup, but he didn’t tell you about it.

    His unwillingness to communicate BEFORE, during and AFTER the breakup is a BIG problem that he is responsible for. Without his willingness, a healthy relationship is not possible.

    But there is more. He later wrote to you: ”I just mentioned I was wondering about breaking up. I didn´t mean it”- This tells me of dishonesty on his part. If he didn’t mean it, why did he say it? Was he trying to stop you from giving him the speech- if so- the honest and direct way to do it was to say: I don’t want you to give me a speech!

    He said that he thought about breaking up with you before, so he had an intention there. Maybe he tried to manipulate you to beg him, to scare you so to make you passive and accommodating to him, out of fear of a breakup.

    When he wrote: “It´s too late. I don´t want to talk about it anymore.”… that is almost cruel. Why? Because if it was too late for him, why did he say right before that: “” I just mentioned I was wondering about breaking up. I didn´t mean it.”

    When he said he didn’t mean it, he invited you to reach out to him- only to reject you once again.

    hungryhamster, I don’t like this guy- I think he was not honest and he was manipulative.

    The title of your thread is: “What are my chances to get him back?”- I am ready with an answer: I believe that your chances are high-enough IF you beg him, if you promise him that you will never question him, or talk about any difficulty you have in a relationship with him; if you don’t talk (speech OR conversation).

    But I do hope that you will choose to NOT beg. I sure hope you will not.

    anita

    February 26, 2017 at 12:59 pm #129573
    Rica
    Participant

    Dear @anita. I agree with you on many levels. I didn’t want to see what was clear. Or maybe I avoid those feelings of insecurity I had in our relationship. One word: anxiety. I hate this feeling but when I think about it deeper- it isn’t only my enemy. It is also my friend. Because it always tries to let me know when something isn’t ok. I liked him- he was an authority to me, I admire him and he was kind in his specific way. I can’t say only negatives about him. Even if I’m dissapointed. But now I’m more rational about it. I can’t say I’m completely over him but I can admit to myself there were some negative feelings about it, about him I completely ignored just to not make an opinion too soon (based on anxiety only) so I’ve decided to give it a chance.

    Month and half ago I wanted to give a break to our relationship. (Not necessarily a break up) Yes- me. For various reasons. He was so egocentric in many ways I had doubts I could handle it. He plead me to not to break up and give us another shot. I agreed. I tried to be more distant. I arranged few meetings with my friends. Tried to keep social contact with other people. And work. I thought it might help us. I gave him an opportunity to fight for me. He missed his chance. Or he was just not that into me.

    As you wrote- you think he was manipulative. I had that feeling too. But I wasn’t sure about it. I blamed myself at first.
    I also made my mistakes I’m sure. I don’t want to make him look like manipulative selfish bastard. Because I allowed him to much and I wasn’t more radical. I wanted to be nice and tolerant girlfriend. I was scared of fighting. I’m still. But I will try hard in the future to fix it.
    But I agree- what he did was cruel. I cried hard for three days because of helplessness I felt. I was like close to heart attack. But I don’t think I would give him a chance. Or if I do so it wouldn’t be easy at all for him.

    But I don’t think my chances to get him back are huge. As he said that magic words “I can’t see a future with you.” When a guy says so, it’s end for good.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Rica.
    February 26, 2017 at 7:09 pm #129597
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    I understand that everyone makes mistakes and so do you. He is allowed mistakes too, but dishonesty is not a mistake. With your anxiety, you have to be involved with an honest man, or not at all. You have to trust the man to tell you his truth: how he feels, what he needs, what he wants, and then you can negotiate and do a reasonable give-and-take. But without his honest input, how will you know …. anything? It is like being in the dark, guessing, wondering, and that is anxiety producing!

    With anxiety, you need relationships that are clear, easy to understand. This was not clear or easy to understand. I wonder about the other guy you mentioned. Is he clear and easy to understand, I she honest in his communication with you?

    anita

    February 27, 2017 at 4:55 am #129929
    Rica
    Participant

    @anita: I think he (that friend) is honest with me. We was on the date in August last year but then I just decided to not continue with dating. He’s cute and everything but I need somebody who will protect me and take care of me in harder situations. He is a little bit immature and I’m not sure if it can change with age or it’s a part of his diagnosis. I’m sure he didn’t lie to me because he wrote me that after I stopped communication with him and started to date my current ex he cried. He also wrote he has never been in the relationship and had no sexual experiences. And I don’t want to make a wrong move and start a relationship with him as I don’t want to be the first who will break his heart. He has social anxiety as well- it’s something we have in common, our personalities are similliar and he’s attractive. But sometimes I wonder if it doesn’t look like mother-son relationship. He’s older (I’m 24, He’s 26) but i think I’m less naive as he is in social stuffs. I’m attracted to men who are independent and know exactly what to do.
    I’m realizing one thing right now. Everything seems like huge chaos in my head but when I’m writing it here I’m recieving answers on my (yours) questions. 😀 Because you know what to ask, I guess ;-).

    I know it takes a patience and it’s possible to teach him something but I want to be the one who wants to learn. I don’t need a proffesor type (like my ex is) but I need somebody on the same level. I want my partner to be a man who knows how to treat me, satisfy me and who is able to have a conversation with me without arguing that much.
    I’m extremely attracted to selfish and dominant men because of my low self- esteem but I need to focus on dominant but not egocentric men (man who behaves like a man). But the question is how to find this man when I have almost no freetime and no opportunity to find this guy.

    I want to have children in the future (until my 30’s) so it’s not a time to waste my time. :-:-D I know it sounds ridiculous but I don’t want to waste my time with another trials. I’m impatient I admit it. 🙁

    But on the other hand I’m still childish. I have moments I act like 15 yrs old teenager (not the rebellious one :-))

    So the fact is that I know that guy like my friend who is attractive but absolutely unexperienced hasn’t many chances to go on the date. And I would like to help him. But is being a sexual and relationship guru a role I want to play? I honestly don’t know.

    February 27, 2017 at 5:08 am #130005
    Rica
    Participant

    I’m afraid there is a hacker or guy trolling on this forum. :-\:-[

    February 27, 2017 at 6:20 am #130483
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hungryhamster:

    Indeed, the most massive spam I have seen on the website, 15 pages of it when I counted. I sent an email (CONTACT, above) to tech support about it, and I hope all that spam will be removed soon!

    As to your post before last: reads to me like the friend is not a good candidate either for you. Clearly it would take an honest man AND a mature, more confident, more skillful man. Not just honest, but honest he must be!

    You wrote: “I’m extremely attracted to selfish and dominant men because of my low self- esteem”- it is common to go to the extreme of what we need. Reads to me like what you need is a confident, mature man, not a “selfish and dominant man.” Selfish and dominant is abusive.

    On one end of the spectrum you have someone like your friend, immature, lacking confidence. On the other end of the spectrum you have selfish-and-dominant. In the Middle is confident, honest and respectful. I would go to the middle of the spectrum.

    I wonder if and when the spam is removed… or until it does, if there will be more of it…

    anita

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