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When someone wants to stay friends but you're happier without them

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  • July 19, 2016 at 2:55 pm #110060
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Thanks for any replies, insights, or suggestions. I appreciate a different perception.

    Facebook put me in-touch with many people from high-school. One being an ex. When my father passed away, he and I began chatting…especially as I knew he had lost his mom. I wasn’t prepared for that to open any doors as to how he truly felt about me back in the day (over 20 years ago). Honestly, I felt guilty that I had hurt him and thought maybe chatting about it would help him with closure. I wasn’t overly concerned with how much he had desecrated me, treated me at the time as I have long-since moved on and had given my heart to my husband. Both of us are married, children. Now….I have NO current romantic feelings towards him, haven’t felt romantic towards anyone except hubby. Nothing happened on that front at all. I opened the doors of communication, looking for someone’s input/experience as to how long the grieving time took (as it was so overwhelming for me). He had had a life/death experience and promised himself that if he lived, he would tell me how he had truly felt.

    He has made comments about wanting to meet up with me, which I politely declined saying I wasn’t interested in doing that and didn’t feel it was respectful to my husband to do so. More recently, he brought up a memory of the past…asking me what I remembered about it, an intimate moment. I quite frankly told him that if all we had to talk about was the past, then we had no reason or need to contact each other anymore. He apologized. Has since sent a couple of messages/texts with basic “this is what went on today” type subjects.

    I don’t want to be harsh or mean. I tried limiting contact and not replying to messages for a time but at the same time I find that rather cowardly and disrespectful (he would send check-in messages every couple of months). I feel it is best we do not have contact with each other anymore. I’m just not sure how to phrase it in a kind way….?

    July 19, 2016 at 6:29 pm #110100
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Choccoffeewine,

    I quite frankly told him that if all we had to talk about was the past, then we had no reason or need to contact each other anymore.

    I think you have already made it clear through previous messages sent to this fella that you have moved on and no longer wish to continue communicating about the past. It’s not cowardly to stop talking to someone, after all, you have already given notice. It would be different if maybe you two were close now, but the intimacy and relationship you had with this fella was a long time ago. So i think you have already provided the kindest way of stating “no more”.

    disrespectful (he would send check-in messages every couple of months

    It is not your fault that this fella keeps messaging you. He clearly hasn’t understood what you ‘implied’ or ‘what you meant’ when you were being honest with him. Though, if you stated that you didn’t want to continue to dwell on the past, i don’t know how more honest you can be! OR it could simply be that he has understood, but wants to try anyway. If you don’t need him in your life, i would just discontinue messaging him, don’t even look at the messages (since they show whether or not you looked at it) and if he is that annoying, block him. It’s not disrespectful, IMO. If you have been honest and been straight with him (as you have stated you have) then it’s on him, not you. Even if they are just check ins, there is no ‘commitment’ to this relationship.

    I hope this helps, if you have comments or questions, pleas continue this thread 🙂
    MAtty

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Matty.
    July 19, 2016 at 7:17 pm #110107
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Thanks, Matty. I appreciate your feedback. 🙂

    July 19, 2016 at 8:06 pm #110110
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi, just quickly…

    I found myself in a similar situation and wanted to be “nice”. They do NOT take the hint, and trust me, they have gotten it, they’re just not taking it. And that is disrespectful to you. They will constantly test your boundaries. Remember that radio silence IS a response. Sure, it will be awkward the third (fourth, fifth) time he tries to communicate with you, and he hears nothing. BUT he will seem ridiculous even to himself and will eventually stop and move on to another victim/blast from his past.

    Drop the rope (radio silence) and he will move on.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    July 20, 2016 at 8:02 am #110124
    Choccoffeewine
    Participant

    Thank you, Inky. 🙂

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