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Why am i angry at my boyfriend?

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • #129615
    Kelly
    Participant

    Hi,

    So I’m coming to you for some relationship advice. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and I feel we are going through a rough patch right now.

    A little background: I’m a very anxious person, and I feel I switch from being a control freak to being easy going, I’m a bit of both.

    My boyfriend and I live together, and he has a very busy work schedule. For example I wake up and go to school, when I get back he goes to work, and he gets back when I’m asleep. On some days when I get back early he’s asleep, and on others when I stay up late he always prefers to go out. I know he needs some time to “relax” but I can’t help getting so angry at him. I feel as if we never see each other, and whenever we can he prefers to go out with his friends.
    Sometimes when I wake up in the night I réalisé he’s gone and I phone him and he’s out with friends. I feel as if when I’m asleep he sees it as an “opportunity” to go out. This makes me very sad when I wake up.

    It wasn’t like this in the beginning of our relashionship, we were both quite “lazy” people as in we would both prefer to stay in together than go out. I haven’t changed, but I notice that for him going out to party is very important, I like to stay in and watch films bd he prefers to get absolutely hammered with whatever he can.

    I feel we are heading towards the end. Everything is piling up and I can’t help but get more and more angry for little things. Like him not cleaning up after himself. He also recently spent all of his money on cocaine whilst we needed food, and we clearly could have used it for more important things. I ai complete my lost, and sad and feel more and more lonely.

    Also he supports me financially so I feel as if i can’t say anything as it will show him I’m ungreatfull.

    I know we both have different “hobbies” now. I know he would not cheat on me, and I know he loves me, but I can’t help but always feel angry at him when he goes out, whenever he’s out with friends instead of being with me, I know he needs space but I just can’t help it. So when he gets back we usually get into a fight.

    Even if he goes out and I tell him I want to be with him he still prefers to stay with his friends and finish his coke. What can I do?

    Please, if I don’t figure something out it will be the end of our relashionship and I love him. I’ve tried talking to him about it but I feel nothing changes.

    #129617
    Kelly
    Participant

    Ps: sorry for the mistakes, I wrote this quite fast and I was angry xx

    #130649
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear littleme29:

    His use of alcohol (getting “absolutely hammered with whatever he can”) and his use of cocaine are very troubling.

    You wrote that he supports you financially and you don’t want to bring up topics of distress, for you, in fear of appearing ungrateful. But the way things are going, you will not be in this relationship much longer, so better bring up these topics.

    Bring up topics in as calm a way as is possible for you. He prefers to go out with friends instead of staying home with you, probably, I am guessing, because he likes to get hammered and use cocaine with his friends, being out and about. His work schedule and social life is congruent with using cocaine, isn’t it, to keep his activity level up with less sleep…?

    Arguing and fighting with him will not work, as he is already distressed and his alcohol and cocaine use are and will be causing him more distress. But you have very valid concerns and you do need to assert yourself with him, as peacefully as you can, but strongly and effectively.

    Your anxiety is worsened in this relationship, as it is. And so, it is not good for you. As to your question: “Why am I angry at my boyfriend?”-

    Because he is no longer the boyfriend you fell in love with, the one who preferred your company, the one (I am guessing) who didn’t get hammered and got high on cocaine the way he is now, behaviors that take him farther and farther away from you in every way.

    Am I correct?

    anita

    #131677
    Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for your response, you have understood our situation perfectly. I think you’re right, we are growing farther apart, and we have talked about it. He said he would slow down but it’s not the first time he’s said it. And nothing has changed.

    I’ve tried to be more understanding of his situation, as you said, it is stressefull and linked to his consumption of substances. But I really do care for him and I know if We continue like this we won’t be together much longer, but I don’t imagine myself without him, even though it might be better for us .. I just don’t know what to do to help.

    #131685
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear littleme29:

    You are welcome. Your last sentence: “I just don’t know what to do to help.”- the problem with your quest to help him (and in so doing, to help yourself) is that he already found his “help”. He found his help in alcohol and cocaine and going out with friends to consume these two things.

    He is already “helping” himself, so there is no space for you helping him.

    It is only if and when he no longer help himself the ways he is, that there will be a space for any possible help from you (or from anyone else).

    I think this is a powerless situation for you. It is like being in a sinking ship and watching it sink.

    anita

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