Home→Forums→Relationships→Why do we go back??
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September 8, 2016 at 1:39 am #114580
LiquidsnakeParticipantI wanted to ask these questions to all members of this forum and looking for some help!!1
Why do we go back to the same kind of people, again and again, whom we don’t want in our life? Why do we go back to emotionally abusive, unreliable, and selfish people, even after knowing and experiencing, that, they will take you for a ride for sure…. Why do we go back to the same people, even after knowing that we don’t feel comfortable with them anymore…. Why do we go back to the same people who have wronged you with false projections and beliefs about them and they have hurted your intentionally… Is it because of lack of self worth, love and rejection failure? or are we just comfortable and accept them as they are, so that we feel emotionally safe and comfortable and dont want to lose their presence in our life, thinking about the good times we had with them and want those again, even though, we knew deep inside that, it’s not like that as before and it never will be….
I’m not able to get out of an emotional tangle and vicious circle and keep going into it again and again…. Can some one please guide me or help me to understand my behaviour? I was emotionally abused as a child by an emotionally non available father, who was strict and had very high expectations about me and my future, but at the same time, a very very very caring and nurturing mother even till date…
September 8, 2016 at 3:45 am #114583
Nina SakuraParticipantHi,
This is the simplest version of the answer:
http://sendablequotes.com/quotes/26091.jpg
Before I can say more, I want to know more about your experience so far with this viscous cycle in your adult life too.
Regards,
NinaSeptember 8, 2016 at 4:27 am #114587
AnonymousInactiveI think rather than digging too deeply into the whyyyyy of this pattern, it might be more useful to focus on ways out.
Under what circumstances would you drop this person? What do you need that would help you feel secure and safe within yourself? What are the beliefs that keep you from breaking away? What steps can you take, right now, what can you say to yourself, right now, that would help you escape?
September 8, 2016 at 4:51 am #114590
InkyParticipantHi Liquidshake,
One reason I think is because we want to Prove Them Wrong. So if our father was no good, we attract no good people to finish the drama with our parent. If the other person who treated you like crap later apologizes, compliments you or changes for the better, we’ve Won. Thus turning back time, proving Dad wrong… or something. Totally unconscious behavior, you understand…
It could be that this person feels like “family” or our childhood environment, so we let them in.
How to get out… Well, first of all, no more unconscious default setting is allowed. We have to actively CHOOSE to not see them, answer their texts, etc. Or we have to CHOOSE to tell them off when they confront us in the flesh, and negate what they say. This can be very, very scary. The other person will come back harder because we’ve changed the script.
I remember telling someone, “No I’m not”.
*scoffs* “Oh but I think you are!”
“Nope, that’s not who I am.”
This went on and on until I got the last word.What happens is they don’t mess with you anymore or THEY drop out of your life to look for the next victim.
Then there’s the “Why didn’t you get back to me?!”
You: “I got your messages, I haven’t processed those emails/texts/calls yet.” (You have better things to do)We also don’t let them go because our world is so small. What we need to do is make friends with lots of quality people. When the abuser sees them around you or you mention them they often back off because you now have a squad. Of course, they may choose to isolate you too. NEVER make them isolate you!
Good Luck!
Inky
September 8, 2016 at 5:37 am #114593
NanParticipantFamiliar seems less scary, and actually more comfortable, because that is what we are used to, even if a bad situation. As Inky said, we keep trying to “fix” the original experience and Prove Them Wrong.
September 8, 2016 at 7:41 am #114598AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
You answered your own question when you wrote: “so that we feel emotionally safe and comfortable and dont want to lose their presence in our life, thinking about the good times we had with them”-
Safety is the Key Word here: “safe”.
An abused child is a threatened child, the child’s safety is threatened. Like any animal, danger is attended to first, every time, before searching for food, mating and definitely, before relaxing.
So the child attends to the danger, the lack of safety by focusing on the source of danger aka as the abusive parent. The child will do any mental exercise possible to imagine she is safe, and this is where delusion starts.
It is about clearing out delusions, false beliefs and seeing reality for what it is, that will heal us from the dynamic you are referring to. I have much more to say about this- and I am sure you do (as well as others- so hope you post again.
anita
September 9, 2016 at 9:35 am #114743AnonymousInactiveProbably because we didn’t learned when it happen for the first time and what we believe love is.. and what we apparently experiencing is far from our imagnined ideal and perfect love.
Lessons needs to be learned, all this bad relationships are here to teach us that only when person takes off the layer after layer we can see who he or she truly is, that one who we thought as partner material. .
Real love flows naturally. Grow everyday. Nurture , challenge .. make your better person.
Good luck to you.
September 11, 2016 at 10:25 pm #114988LiquidsnakeParticipantNina,
Thank you for the reply.. That’s exactly what has happened.. I accepted the love, blindly, without assessing about or further knowing about this person in depth, about emotional stability, being committed and caring for me… Thanks for the eye opener..
About the vicious cycle, it’s still happening as I write this, since this person is still connected to me, somehow or the other, but not directly, since this person is my relative, and I have to see or interact with this person every now and then, once in a while…Not sure, how to break this up and go out of contact completely…
September 11, 2016 at 10:29 pm #114989LiquidsnakeParticipantMoknklet 80,
Thank you for the reply, response and input.. very insight full questions.. I would drop this person at anytime since this person is not what she appeared to be or projected to be, which I didn’t realized off late, but I cant’ as I stated above, I have to be with this person, every once in a while… But, I’m trying to find out, what I really want and need to be emotionally safe, be confident and go through this…
The only step, I have taken right now, is to minimize the contact, only once in a day in a very formal manner, without discussing about anything else, except the business, which we are running together, along with 4 of our common friends…
September 11, 2016 at 10:31 pm #114990LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Inky,
Thank you!! You are spot on!!! That’s what’s happening… this person is abusing me saying I have neglected her and her emotional needs, when she wanted it, since it is getting inconvenient for me to be with her, since I have my own gang now…. and when she does it, it’s justified.. I’m not sure, how to stop this…
September 11, 2016 at 10:35 pm #114991LiquidsnakeParticipantDear Anita,
It’s perfect!!!, we just dont want to get out of our comfort zone and tread new waters, not to risk the current setup and ending with the same thing again!!! But I’m not sure, she has ever provided me with any kind of safety, either emotional or financial.. all I can feel right now, is we were just companions, who were close together..but, nothing beyond that…and may be, we both mistook it as love!!!
and I have never gone to her with any issues from my personal life or for any kind of safety…All, I wanted is, may be to loved for who I am and someone who does that till the end, as they were from day one, which didn’t happened and I was brutally shocked, to see how people can change so much, in a gist, just because situations were not serving them right…
September 11, 2016 at 10:37 pm #114992LiquidsnakeParticipantH8full8,
You are right!! That’s what happened, when the layers went down and reality smiled, I wish, I could’ve smiled back and went on my way….
September 12, 2016 at 7:41 am #114999AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
Are you writing about the 1.6 year (I think) relationship you had with a woman, the one who first didn’t want you to have other friends but ended up getting closer to her childhood friends and distant from you? And you are involved in a business with her, currently? If you’d like to present your current situation with this woman- if she is the issue of this thread- clearly, please do. I am not clear as is about your life situation.
anita
September 12, 2016 at 8:04 am #115004LiquidsnakeParticipantAnita,
Yes. you are right!!!. I did involved in the business, since I promised her during those times and to show my gratitude towards her, I joined the business, and still she argues that, she has not changed and I’m looking at her other relationships in a different perspective, bcos of my insecurity issues and nothing more to it… I’m really not sure, what exactly this insecure issues means? I’m not jealous or possessive, I just miss her and needed her to be with me as she used to be spending more time and be dedicated.
But, my question is, how can people get closer to other people at a personal level(not including sex), when they are already in a committed and close relationship? is it possible? will we get those kind of thoughts to get closer to someone else, if we are already close to someone at a soulmate level…
September 12, 2016 at 8:13 am #115005AnonymousGuestDear Liquidsnake:
To your question: in a theoretical situation where two people are very close, “at a soulmate level,” as you wrote, thinking of myself in such a relationship, I don’t need to get close to another person if I am already that close to one. The nature of my communication with my “soulmate” is such that I don’t need another… soulmate. I communicate with others but in a different way, for different purposes.
In your situation and in many other people’s situations, one of the “soulmates” is not happy with the other “soulmate” and is looking for others to communicate their unhappiness, to find relief from their distress. which makes it so that there are two “soulmates” only for one of the two, but for the other, there it is not so.
anita
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