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Will men ever regret ending a relationship

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #141517
    yogagrl
    Participant

    Hello,

    This is my first time ever posting in a blog but I feel like I am still struggling with a previous relationship.  After graduating from college I met a boy when we both lived in the same city.  We dated for 3 years seriously – we travelled together, spent most nights together, and spent a lot of time with our families together.  The relationship ended the summer before we both started graduate school – unfortunately we were not admitted to the same schools, and rather than do long distance we broke up.  We were admitted into two schools that were an hour apart, and then had some out-of-state options as well.  A couple months before graduate school started, he called me up one day over the phone and said he needed to be alone and go through graduate school on his own.  He said if we were meant to be together we would find our way back to each other.  We spent the previous weekend celebrating my birthday and everything seemed perfect.  However I think the pressure of long-distance and work that medical school entailed had gotten to him and he cracked.  We were both young and unestablished in our careers and were not the type to marry at 25 or 26 years old.   Anyways, I ended up going out-of-state for grad school because he told me i should go to the best school i could and not make a decision about a school based on him.  I never saw him again after my birthday weekend.

    After that phone conversation where he ended things we did not speak for four months – until i called him on his birthday.  We talked maybe two more times after that to catch up and though the conversations were platonic, they felt intimate and like we both wanted to say more.  There were some “it feels so amazing to talk to you i miss you, i feel like i can finally breathe when i talk to you” comments he made, but that was the extent of it.  I honestly thought at some point he would come back – we were in love when we were together and both cared about each other so much.  We both were crying when we broke up on the phone and I know we both were struggling when we initially broke up.  However, through social media I found out he began dating a girl a little over a year after we broke up.  I never said anything to him about it and we now have not talked for 3 years.

    It has now been 4 years, and I turned myself into a doctor as did he.  I still struggle with the demise of the relationship however.  It is embarrassing but I think about him every day.  He and his new girlfriend (who is also a doctor) both applied to residency together and are moving to a new city together.  I am still single and am moving to a new city alone.  They seem very happy from the few pictures i have seen of them together, and though I don’t like to admit it I feel like they will get engaged.  Still I wonder if he ever thinks of me.  I felt like things ended so abruptly.  I have so many friends, and I do not know anyone who has ever broken up with a serious boyfriend over the phone and never seen the person again. From the bottom of my heart I felt like we would find our way back to each other.  But he was able to move on and build something with someone new.  I feel like deep down he compartmentalized his feelings for me, and at some point in the future, maybe 10 or 20 years, i will hear from him.  From a karma standpoint i feel like at some point he will feel sadness the way I have.   It doesn’t seem fair that he will just meet someone else, have a perfect relationship, and I am still alone.   As an aside, I saw his friend at a wedding a couple years after our relationship ended, and asked him if my ex ever said anything and that i didnt understand the break up . He told me when we broke up my ex said he loved me but was not in love with me.

    In regards to me currently, I am very happy with all that I accomplished on my own.  I have a lot of friends, am very social, and I also date quite a bit.  I don’t cry about my ex very often (maybe once every 6 months when I feel extremely sad), but my feelings are still present.  He is still in my mind and in my heart.  While I do date a lot and I am not holding back in my life, I have not found anyone that I deeply care for still.  I guess I wonder if he ever thinks of me, or if he will ever regret leaving me.  I wonder if I will ever see him again or hear from him again.  I secretly wonder if he will ever come back.  I feel like he was the love of my life, and I will never find anyone like him again.

     

    #141543
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    yogagrl,

    I was drawn to your post because of the title that directly addresses whether men ever regret…

    The easiest answer is “yes”.  Men, and women, regret many things that they have chosen to do.  You will never find a perfect person who has consistently made all of the “right” decisions in life.  The majority of people will have some amount of moral experience to at some point feel sorry for what they perceive as errors that they may have made in the past.  There are of course a distinct few individuals out there who are truly monsters, psychopaths, sociopaths, and narcissists who only care for themselves and lack all sense of empathy and remorse.  (Steer clear of these fiends if at all possible!)  I don’t think from your description that your ex falls into this category of evil people though.

    I’m discovering that love isn’t something that comes in equal portions of intensity and experience.  It’s surely not forever…  Hopefully we are all in our lifetimes able to experience love, but we also have to recognize that it comes in many different forms.  Aside from the horrible individuals I described above who are unable to love (the only reason to pity them because they will never love…) We will all experience different types of love and different intensities.  Unfortunately our society has done a good job of making love pretty generic.  “I love chocolate milk” or “I really love how you did your hair today!” are a couple examples of how disposable the word love has become.  Love as a concept and feeling is many fold too.  I have a much different experience of love for my pet, my children, my friends, family, or intimate partner.  In each of those categories the intensity of love may differ also based on a person’s experience.  I absolutely adore my children, but I can honestly say I love my sister more than I love my mother because of things that have happened in my past.  The same thing holds with the girls I have dated/married/divorced…  and I regret.  I regret the mistakes I have made that may have change my life and the life of someone else, but we can’t predict the future any more than we can change the past.  So unless he happens to be heartless, I’m sure that he will occasionally hear a song or see a sight that reminds him of you, and he’ll wonder for a second…

    You though are still carrying a burden that you should let go of before it poisons you any further.  Life is an adventure, and much of it is a gamble.  We’ll all experience good and bad, but what we do with our experiences and what we learn is greatly up to us.  This is a hard thing to learn and even harder to practice, but when you begin to focus on improving yourself and loving yourself, you improve your chances of attracting the successes that you desire.  You wonder if you’ll ever see him again?  You wonder if he will ever come back?  Is that what you want?  and if you do, you do know that you can influence the possibilities of success?  Ultimately it will be half his decision, but it’s not impossible…  Don’t expect life to be fair from your perspective.  You look at his current situation and sense unfairness based on the residual emotions you have.  The intensity of his love may not have matched yours, and honestly, that he waited over a year to begin dating someone else is a sign that he gave himself the necessary time for himself to recover from your relationship before putting himself out there again.  He’s obviously moved on into his next love.  You’ll have to let it run it’s course and decide what you’ll do in the meantime.  Torture yourself with what ifs and wondering if he still thinks of you occasionally, or jumping into the mosh pit of life and love…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

     

    #141565
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi yogagrl, I’m not clear if you’re asking this question about men in general, as the title of your thread suggests, or if you’re mostly concerned about your specific situation. If you’re asking about men, they have the same feelings as women, though it’s very individual and men and women tend to be brought up differently.

    As for your situation, I hear a lot of longing in your voice. I think you’ll more easily let go of this guy when you meet someone who you come to love as much or even more than him,  whether that’s tomorrow or a year from now. Meanwhile, please keep in mind that this guy who you miss so much, had the ability to spend three intimate years with you culminating in a great birthday weekend, then end it with you in a phone call. I kinda doubt that this idea of splitting with you occurred to him for the first time between your birthday and the phone call. Would you really want someone back who keeps that kind of secret from you?

     

     

    #142057
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear yogagrl:

    The title of your thread: “Will men ever regret ending a relationship?”- some men regret ending some relationships, others don’t. What you meant to ask is: will your ex boyfriend regret ending the relationship with you.

    How can anyone reading your thread answer this question? I can’t because I don’t know him. Strangely, neither do you.

    After three years of a relationship, when he broke up with you over the phone, doesn’t seem to me like you asked him questions or wondered out loud to him, on the phone, about why aren’t you talking in person about separation, after three years…?

    Then there were no more talks for a long time, followed by a few catching-up talks. Again, no real communication. How strange.

    Your education as a medical doctor entails a lot of concrete information, practical science. And yet, when it comes to relationships, seems to me, your thinking of the magical kind: loves me/ loves me not. Maybe we’ll get together some day over the rainbow.

    If you ever choose to have a meaningful conversation with him, if such is possible on your part and his, ask him, ask him why he broke up with you. Ask him if he ever regretted breaking up with you and if he thinks he will ever regret it…

    For concrete information, ask the source of the information- the ex regarding this past relationship, or a future boyfriend in a future relationship.

    anita

     

    #142077
    Azouz
    Participant

    Hi there.
    I’m someone who’s placed 4 years behind you. I really wish to have a proper talk with you and learn so much from you.
    I have so many questions to ask.. But for the sake of simplicity.. I will bring the most important one..
    Why now.. 4 years later?

    Just like you, i had a vague breakup with my girlfriend and i still feel like it’s not fully over, while it is.

    Our stories might feel similar, but we are on the opposite side of it. I am the man in this. I’m the person who’s willing to move on and end up being with someone else other than seek to be back with my girlfriend, and i’ll tell you why.

    Before i go any further.. I will respond to your question. Yes. We regret breaking up, but at a certain extent that highly depends on how much we loved our partner and how much we were willing to sacrifice, aswell as meeting the awful side of life which was unknown to us thanks to our partner.

    While i could love her, and while i was ready to do anything for her, raising a family, marrying her, and spending my entire life with her, i’m now in a position where i wish to forget about her and start everything anew.

    Our bond was over due mistakes that were done by both sides, and since humans are not forgetful species, we find it best to move on rather than facing things all over again.
    When i first started reading your story, i was holding my answer. As you get successful and get through life on your own, your partner will be deceived on the idea he had of you and then seek to have you back, which apparently he doesn’t do, cause he never got to see you.

    Seeing your face will definitely move something in him, but it’s best that you don’t do it. Don’t think of him too often, and live the way you did for 4 long years, till you meet someone who’s gonna make you happy and subsconsciouly make you forget about your ex.
    Next time he breaks up, or when something terrible happens in his life, he won’t be thinking of no other than you. He would be wondering what it would’ve been like if he had you, cause we, men and women tend to think of our loved ones when we are down, but never when we are escalating high.

    I wish to have a private talk with you if you don’t mind, but i will be away for a day, so i will seek to reach up to you tomorrow night. Till then, take care!

    #142075
    laxman khadka
    Participant

    Well, I also didn’t knew there difference and thought they were one and the same thing until I read about it on internet only. See there is a big difference between two of them as dating means casual seeing each other having fun where you can check on other girl/boy too but when you are in a relationship you give a commitment that you are with him/her. Let me explain you with an example, suppose you go to market to sunglasses, you have a certain image of how that should look like and range etc, that’s your type and let sunglasses be your partner. Then you go to a shop see various designs and sort some of them, you try them,now this is dating,you like some qualities among various available options,try them, have a look for a while that what suits you better and then you purchase it making a commitment that yes you’ve got what you wanted and now will not try any other and will settle down with this one, this is relationship, where you make commitment and stick to it. But sometimes you fail to make a good choice or somehow that glass us broken so you again go to shop, ask for its repair or choose another one,that is breakup when you choose another one instead of repairing the one you selected earlier. Hope you get it, you can have multiple dates and try each one, with some casualties and precautions depending upon the situation and then make a final statement which will be your relationship. Keep smiling… if you want to date with girls and boys then you can visit this site

    https://filipinaloves.com

    #142149
    Lemon tart
    Participant

    It’s been two years since my boyfriend abruptly put an end to a beautiful relationship that lasted 6 1/2 years. While I have moved on (not entirely though) and have been dating a really wonderful guy for over a year who really loves me a lot, I still can’t seem to get my ex out of my head. I feel like we have this unfinished business and I’m still looking for closure which I believe I will never get. We had been in a long distance relationship since 2008. He is in merchant navy and i was studying in med school then. I belong to an orthodox Indian muslim family and he belongs to a relatively liberal Christian family. His family knew about us and i would spend the holidays with them when he was home. I knew i couldnt confront my parents until i was sure that we were going to end up marrying someday. After two difficult years of appearing for various entrance examinations, I got into a post graduate residency program of 3 years in another city. I was on cloud nine. Everything looked good on both personal and professional fronts I couldn’t have been surer of us. I thought the toughest times were behind us. Finally in Oct 2014 I mustered the courage to break the news to my parents, and just as I had expected, hell broke loose at home. I stayed firm by my decision though. Meanwhile he told his mum that he wanted to marry me too. She was not too thrilled about it. But she wasn’t against us either. After all, she had seen us together all those years.

    He came to visit me Jan 2015. We had a really good time but we fought as well. and then the phone calls started dwindling. He was home and he would be too busy to Skype.  I had my hands full with adjusting to a new city and first year of residency, so I believed him when he said he was busy. And suddenly before I could make sense of what was happening, he broke up with me over WhatsApp!

    I swear to God I have never felt so broken as I did on that dreadful evening of 22nd Feb 2015. He told me he could see the bleak bigger picture and that us being from different faiths wouldn’t do us good in the long run. I waited for a few months for him to think more clearly lest he panicked and made a hasty decision. I swallowed my pride and contacted him thrice in the course of one year. But I never got the answer to his abrupt change of heart or the closure I so badly needed.

    As I mentioned earlier, I did eventually meet the lovely person I am with today, and while I love him dearly, i still can’t get rid of my past. The memories I have of those 6 1/2 years still haunt me and I truly wonder if I cross his mind like he does mine and if he regrets having broken up with me. I have emails of 5 years that we faithfully exchanged every single day when he was on the ship and I still can’t get around to deleting them and I so feel like asking him how he carries on with his life knowing he broke the one person who loved him to bits.

    I am a lot better today, but I hope there is a day in my life when I wake up, free of this emptiness in me and look back at my past with no regrets.

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