Home→Forums→Tough Times→Younger Brother Bully Tactics and Intimidation
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Ladybug.
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February 2, 2016 at 5:19 am #94687
LadybugParticipantHi,
I’m at a point in my life where I’m questioning everyone in my family and seeing them as real people with flaws. That said, my younger brother can be a bully. He is bigger than me and has a fast wit about him. We were really close in childhood but did our own thing once teenage years hit. During those years, he got pretty nasty. He would randomly call me names and had temper issues. Last year though he took it to a new level where he did intimidation manipulation tactics where he would say mean things to me with a really charming air so that afterwards it hit me that he wasn’t being nice at all. It’s so weird because I would feel good and sickening when he would make comments. He didn’t just target me but has done it to others too. I have learned through these experiences to walk on egg shells and filter everything I say to not trigger his insecurities. I’ve had it where my voice will become low, and loose emotion, and I don’t show that much expression when he’s around. He’s at a better place in his life now and is nicer but the patterns I established in the past still stay. I still walk on egg shells around him and exhale when he leaves. I’ll admit. I’m intimidated and scared of him. When he says something that doesn’t sit well my first reaction is to assure myself that that isn’t that big of a deal or I’m being overdramatic. I let him walk all over me and am tired of it. I feel like this has hindered being my authentic self. I notice that I trigger a lot of jealousy and resentment issues in him. For instance, if my mom complements me, he will say “no it’s not.” He has in the past said I was the reason he childhood sucked. He obviously has insecurity sibling issues with me. It’s as if he feels more threatened with the better I do. I notice the times when I have been animated and expressive he has tried to shut it down. He will always be in my life and overall he’s a good guy. I am just tired of playing the victim and am ready to own my life. Words of wisdom are greatly encouraged.February 2, 2016 at 7:36 am #94691
DinaParticipantHi Ladybug,
I definitely have some insight here based on my own experiences (I have two older siblings), however I wanted a bit more information from you before I gave my ideas. How big is the age gap? When you say youre afraid of him, is it fear of the words he says, or has he been physically abusive? How do your parents handle this? Have you tried standing up to him before? If so, what were the results?
I hope to hear back from you. I would love to help in any way I can. I know how difficult conflict within family can be.
February 2, 2016 at 8:00 am #94692
AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
So glad to read a new thread by you. Good to see you are here!
Being afraid, scared, intimidated… and being authentic are opposites. When afraid I shut down, contract, minimize contact with others, walk on eggshells. When I feel safe I open up, expand, increase contact with others, and walk around confidently. I believe it is a rule of nature, and it is true for all humans.
I think that you are waking up more and more to what is real and happening around you and that you are doing it at your own pace, leading and managing your own process of increasing awareness of your own family realities.
Guess who is… not going to tell you how things are and who the people in your life are? Not me. I would like to be here only to support you in this process.
If you would like me to comment more on any particular thing, please let me know…and it is my hope that you post again… and again.
anita
February 4, 2016 at 11:55 pm #95086LadybugParticipantHi Dina,
My brother and I are 1 year and 8 months apart. I’m afraid of his words. He’s very witty and can be extremely manipulative. If I have a comeback he fires right back. If he is called out he admits it and continues. He’s never used physical force and I trust that he would never do that. For the most part, my mom sticks up for me. Even though he is so much better I become a little nervous when it’s only me and him. In the past, it’s been a mix. I have stood up to him before and it would be fights that didn’t end well. I would end up feeling worse. Other times I haven’t stood up for myself (convincing myself I’m being overdramatic…) or have been passive aggressive towards his comments (i.e. eyeroll, “uh huh sure”…)February 5, 2016 at 12:16 am #95088LadybugParticipantHi Anita,
It’s good to hear from you too! You phrased the authentic piece well. When I’m around him my demeanor changes. I’m not sure if my family notices, but I definitely do. Suddenly I can’t think of anything to say whereas before I didn’t even have to think. Words would flow. I fight my voice becoming lower and fight against trying to lower myself. Now I don’t do it as much as before since he has gotten better, but I’m still very hesitant around him. There have been times where all seems well and then he will just mutter something to me and I’m knocked over unexpectedly. I didn’t see it coming. It usually is determined whether he feels good or not so I find myself hoping he’s in a good mood. When he gets mad, sad, envious…he lashes out at people to try to make them lower so he can feel better. I have tried to overly be nice to him, irrationally thinking that if I’m so nice he will recognize his ways which didn’t work. He is so charming it can be sickening. He has told people in the past what he feels about them to their face and they still like him, he can be that good (and he knows it). So essentially he will say something messed up in a nice way. I felt crazy when he would do that. The more insecure he feels the more he will dig at that person. Since we are siblings and have opposite personalities (different strengths and weaknesses) if I behave more like myself it triggers in him one of his weaknesses and he will lash out. One of our biggest differences is that I internalize most things and the first thing I think of is that I did something wrong whereas he externalizes and thinks the other person did something wrong.February 5, 2016 at 8:36 am #95102AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
I think your observations and analysis are excellent! One such is that you internalize, thinking you did something wrong, and he externalizes, points to another that they did something wrong! I know this dynamic personally and from my personal experience, I too learned (wish I learned it earlier than I did!) that being nice to a person pointing the finger (of blame and aggression) at me does not change this dynamic, only strengthens it.
My thoughts: The dynamic of aggression, the dance of aggression in a family, not different than that in a herd of elks (so many around where I live), it is quite biological, locking horns and fighting -like (not fighting till death), a winner, a loser and the one to mate with the females is determined. In the elks case. In the context of a human family, here is that dynamic. So, what do you do? Fight or submit…?
anita
February 5, 2016 at 11:30 am #95112LadybugParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for the insight. To be honest, I don’t want to do either. I just want to be heard. I tried for a month arguing with him for everything. To him this was normal and didn’t deplete his energy. If anything, I think he gets something out of arguing. For me, I was exhausted and wasted valuable energy that I could be using for friends and other family members. I get that arguments are healthy, but with him it’s power play. I want to have a relationship with him, especially now that he’s more stabler, but there’s a part of me that, like I said, still is flinching inside, ready for the verbal punch.February 5, 2016 at 12:44 pm #95114AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
There are three options in nature when threatened: Fight, Flight (running away) or Freeze (submit). Three options.
If a person is mainly a Fight person (is it your brother?), that is dominantly aggressive, it means when he (or she) feels threatened, he will fight, that is attack. so, my logic follows, you can have a mutually respectful relationship with him only for as long as he does not feel threatened. But the moment he feels threatened, and it can be by simply you expressing an opinion he doesn’t agree with, then he goes into a Fight mode, attacks and you get hurt.
To have an intimate, close relationship with a person, you have to feel safe with them, to trust them that they will not attack you at any time. How can a person be close with another when feeling afraid of them?
anitaFebruary 5, 2016 at 8:40 pm #95141LadybugParticipantHi Anita,
Wow. That got me thinking. You’re right. I can’t have a close relationship with someone who I’m scared of. The relationship you’re describing sounds one-sided to an extent. Thanks for the insight.February 5, 2016 at 8:44 pm #95142AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
You are welcome! Anytime…
anitaFebruary 23, 2016 at 8:11 pm #96989LadybugParticipantYounger Brother Update:
I realize a big part of my psychological stagnation is because I have walked on egg shells around my brother for 10-15 years. Over the years I have built up this mentality of anticipating what I will say when he’s around, seeing if he is around or not… I’m tired of being the polite, quiet girl who tries to win people over with niceness. I’m tired of wasting brain cells over this. I want to live my life and be me. I know that if I can be myself around him and not allow his comments to affect me I can be myself around anyone. This is going to be hard because I have to go against a pattern that has been ingrained for 10-15 years. Advice is welcomed and encouraged! Has anyone dealt with either undoing a pattern that’s been set for years, people pleasing habits, or conflicting feelings about family? How did you deal with it and what have you used to make this work?
February 23, 2016 at 8:23 pm #96993LadybugParticipantI know that some of this is a bit of repeat, but I’m ready to undergo this transition. I realize I’d rather fight than submit. (Maybe I’ve answered my own question.) Anyways, comments are nice to hear.
February 23, 2016 at 8:37 pm #96997AnonymousGuestDear Ladybug:
I was submissive, scared of people, smiling to people as if asking: Please don’t hurt me.
That was my motto: I will be nice; I’ll do what you want, I will submit, just don’t hurt me! Oh, what a distressing, depressing, discouraging, dis-empowering way to live!
Do whatever it takes to take your power back. Don’t wait for it to be given to you: take it!
anita
February 23, 2016 at 9:49 pm #97006LadybugParticipantThanks Anita! You described exactly how I have been living life these past couple years. It gets old. I’m done with it.
February 23, 2016 at 11:03 pm #97023AnonymousInactive“I’m tired of being the polite, quiet girl who tries to win people over with niceness. I’m tired of wasting brain cells over this. I want to live my life and be me. I know that if I can be myself around him and not allow his comments to affect me I can be myself around anyone. This is going to be hard because I have to go against a pattern that has been ingrained for 10-15 years.”
Proud of you Ladybug for standing your ground and wanting to be you and create boundaries of respect in regards to how your family, brother or anybody else should treat you. You are headed in the right direction and you deserve respect regardless of who the person is. Family or not family. You realizing this and taking action to change this, means you are loving yourself right! You deserve happiness and what you are doing is healthy. Really uplifting to read. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Positivity, love and light your way.
M.
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