I understand that, Anita. I can see where you’re coming from. But clearly, being gentle and patient did not work for me in this past year. Right from December 2014 when I had been acting like a vicious monster, Jerry messaged me sweetly and patiently on my birthday in May and asked me so gently, “Bro, it’s your birthday today. I only ask you to promise me a few things. I ask you not to use abuses for yourself. I ask you to be patient and understand what I’m trying to say, before getting angry. I ask you not to repeatedly quote the haters’ bad words for our actor we love. Can you please do this much for me?” I promised her. It wasn’t like my promise wasn’t sincere, that I didn’t feel bad each time I failed to live up to it. But you can see where it led to. Clearly being just gentle and patient wasn’t sufficient, or my resolve wasn’t strong enough. Do I not love Jerry enough to wish to sincerely change for her? Then why did I fail every time? She has every reason to believe I wasn’t sincere, and that’s what made me feel I should’ve been harder with myself. But I agree with your statements that self-hatred will only make this worse. I’ll do my best to control it.

I can live with accepting that I did something terribly wrong, and I cannot change it. That damage is done. I however, cannot live with losing her. I want to sincerely make up to her for what I did. And most importantly, fulfill right now the promise I made to her nearly a year ago; sincerely change myself completely.

Regarding my mom, I’d probably have been offended had I not been so angry and hurt with my family myself (I wish I was like this during that talk with Jerry). And yes… in fact I was just talking to my friend about it, even her mom giving her the same “studies are everything” lecture. I didn’t want to post this in public… but I guess you really should see what else my mom said:

Me: Mom, please stop trying to defend me. I did something really horrible to someone I love and respect a lot. I cannot be excused.
Mom: None of it matters. Can we please just put this aside until your exams are over? Then, I promise we’ll work on this together.
Me: My guilt and depression won’t let me study. I’ve become a horrible person. Of what use is money and fame if I have no values left?
Mom: Yes, career is everything to live in society today! Do you deny it?
Me: No, but…
Mom: Just see your uncle. He uses the most foul language I ever heard, even beats his wife, but he’s a top ranking doctor in town and all respect him. So what if he’s not behaving well? He has all things money can buy in life. Even my own (family member) used to abuse me badly, but I am saying nothing.
Me: Mom, are you serious?? No matter who does such behaviour, it is WRONG. Should I not be a better person than those people? Are you saying such behaviour is acceptable as long as you become a big doctor or whatever?
Mom: No, but you just go and study now and stop thinking all this. Just qualify your exam first. I promise we’ll take you to a psychiatrist, do whatever you want then.
Me: Because of me, out there someone is hurt and crying and so depressed. Don’t you think the society will blame you too for giving me wrong values?
Mom: Look, you are wasting valuable time. How many topics are left to be covered in physics, chemistry? Are all your assignments complete? Did you study…
Me: *Storms out in frustration*

I have no more to say… the above convo speaks for itself.