Dear JVR:

I am glad you posted and please do post again and again, as many times as you need and want to. I for one, will respond every time.

You asked how to say “NO”, how to develop the courage to say “NO” when you need to, and how to… be the true YOU.

Your father trained you to be submissive to him. In training you that way, he trained you to be submissive not only to him, but to everyone else, and so doing, he placed a handicap in you, such that prevents you from operating to your best interest.

Regarding your seeking to be the real, authentic you: human beings are inherently not meant to be submissive as a main way of being. Being submissive by definition means putting aside being your true self in order to accommodate someone else.

The answer, easy to come up with, easy to state here, one you already know is to stop being submissive, to say your no as often as you need to, and to assert yourself in your daily life.

The reason this is easy to state and difficult to implement is the Courage Factor. We don’t change what we know we need to change because we are afraid.

The root of your fear is in your training by your father: he punished you when you did not submit to him and rewarded you when you did submit to him. Like other animals, we humans are trained the same way- by negative and positive reinforcement. He punished you when you did not submit, inflicting pain on you (could be anything from a physical beating to a rejecting, disapproving look on his face), and rewarded you when you did submit (if in no other way than the removal of his rejecting, disapproval facial expression).

Courage is acting in spite of that fear. You can’t think your way into courage all the way to … acting courageously. At one point you take in the air, and jump, do it, say your no. You will feel fear before and after. And you will have to do it again and again and for a long time, still feel scared while asserting yourself.

This is the price to pay for changing for the better. You cannot learn to assert yourself if you are not prepared for the intensifying fear.

What do you think so far?

anita