Dear tinywandrelust/ Reader:

In my efforts to learn from your experience, tinywanderlust, my first post today is all quotes from your posts Feb 2014, August 2014 and April 2016. My second post will be my writing about what I learned from your shares.

Feb 2014: “I have been in and out of an emotionally abusive relationship for the past 2 years…The more reactive I become, the more he blames me for all of our problems. I have left the relationships more times than I am even willing to admit. I have tried dating other people, I’ve traveled, I’ve spent time with my friends and family. The longer I go without him, the happier and stronger I feel, but as soon as I feel lonely or weak or I hear from him,I cave and next thing I know, I’m back into things. Only to be met with the emotional abuse within a few days to a week of being around each other.

Like most emotionally abusive relationships EVERYTHING is my fault. I am the one who needs to repair the damage. I am the one who did everything wrong, especially since I became reactive to his words and behaviors, whereas in the past I used to shut down or run away (which he also held against me and blamed me for our issues). It doesn’t matter if I do come in with a sound and logical approach, it’s always brought down by his outbursts.

I want out. I want to be free. I do want to love this man anymore. I don’t want to be weak enough to go back anymore. I want a happy, healthy relationship with someone. I know I deserve that, but how the HECK do I move forward?

I’ve been doing therapy, I’ve been focusing on myself. How do I stay strong and stay away?

I meant I do NOT want to love this man anymore

…The more logic I can help make out of so many illogical moments, the easier it is to start moving forward.

…I felt so empowered the first time I left him, but each time we go back, it chips away at that empowerment. The last time I left, I was out for months and was on top of life and recently caved again.

…there have been positives and good things that keep people in situations like this coming back for more, making excuses for the abuse because there are good things and you minimize the abuse in your mind, because after all- there’s all this other, “good stuff”.

I’m lucky and feel blessed to have friends who haven’t left my side.

…pretty hard to detach and move forward when that person is in front of you, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I had a great job at an amazing company, but it made it impossible to fully move forward, so in December, I left.

…I know this road isn’t going to be an easy one and I also realize there’s some deeper digging I need to do

…I was abused by a family member when I was a little girl. It’s something I spent years and years working on and getting past. I actually had gotten to a really good place with it and thought the baggage was behind me…

…you’re so hooked and in love with the person you THINK they are. Then you get stuck on this IDEA of who they are and who they “could” be and if only they could be that way you hope they would be, the relationship could be wonderful.

August 2014: “(to a reply)…You will have days where you feel so strong and so yourself, and you will have days where you MISS THE LIFE out of them. But, you have to remember that what you’re missing, isn’t healthy and if you want a healthy, happy life, then that person doesn’t belong in it.

…The final straw came when he wanted to seek counseling together. I decided that perhaps seeing someone together might either help… My ex was even emotionally abusive to me IN THERAPY…She (therapist) looked me right in the eye and said, ‘He is verbally abusive to you. Right here in front of me. If he ever wants to change, it’s going to be a very long road for him, and before that even happens, he has to want to, and he doesn’t appear to be there.’ After a few years of dealing with this man, of writing a blog post, seeking personal therapy, talking to friends and family, reading books— that’s what did it for me. The validation of someone who watched it happen before her very own eyes.

…as soon as I felt truly moved on from wanting this man in my life, literally, like clockwork, the most amazing man has entered my life…He openly shares his struggles and his flaws and allows me to share mine safely… He’s consistent, every single day in his behavior.

April 2016: “I can’t help but want to share what ended up working for me in getting out of my toxic relationship. The final straw for me came when we both went to a therapist together, and he became verbally abusive IN therapy.

…After I finally left the relationship, I spent time working on healing myself. I continued to see a therapist on my own. I read more books than I can recall. I nourished my friendships and my relationship with my family…I wrote positive words of affirmations… I made a vision board of what I really wanted in a partner and I got REALLY specific about it…

I am happy to say that I’ve spent almost two years now in a happy, healthy relationship with a man.. He treats me with respect. He communicated effectively.

…-CUT OFF ALL CONTACT and DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT respond or reach out anymore. The only person you hurt is you.
-Read the book, “Attached”…

-Research a therapy called, “EMDR”. It’s a highly intensive therapy designed for victims of trauma…chances are, there’s a lingering trauma you may not have dealt with that lead you down the path of being in a relationship like this…”