Hi, I know I am being quite introverted and I do take on advice given. I am just without my therapist at the moment and things are tough.
I am 33 and live with my parents. My mum and I have had co-dependence issues- she has had a disability with hearing and Ive always been one to lean on despite my social phobia. She can be a very anxious person, growing up she did everything for me- I remember going to parties at a young age and seeing all the other children put their own food on their plates- and yet I didnt even know I could do that because mum would do it for me. I always remember mum kind of pushing my body (as a young age) to hurry up and do things – for instance grabbing my hands and showing me how to do stuff or pushing me into directions- I was a very insecure child and she would get a bit fed up with me being a bit slow then. So I know that she can create anxiety in me. I cannot talk to my mum in an deep open way because she has communication issues and doesn’t understand many words- let alone sentences. Its just because of the way she learnt to hear. When I have tried to talk to her in the past about things- she can get without intent- have a negative answer for me. That is why I never really talk to her about stuff personally – particuarly good stuff because I dont get that positive feedback – unless I tell her to- I usually get the opposite- without intent.
When I talk to her about my own things- it has to be pre-thought in a way that she will understand and so that she will give me positive feedback perhaps. Usually I have to make things sound better then they are and things like that.

My dad, I hardly talk to – never about personal stuff. When I talk to him its all my femininity has to go out the door for me to feel comfortable. We can talk about things other than my own personal stuff.

So I never really have anyone to talk to. I dont have friends because of this bdd and social phobia- because I have dealt with housebound most of my life. I do have a lady at work I can kind of talk to but I dont like to mention bdd.

I talk to my therapist every 3 months or so – but she is just a councilor and just listens and cant really help me. Ive had CBT in the past and that was not fun.

At the moment my parents are on holiday and I have the run of the house and have felt free and relaxed a bit because of it. But I am so embarassed and ashamed of how I look and I have to go to work tomorrow and face that guy and face everyone. Its really hard – I feel so ashamed of myself, the way I look is not acceptable.