Dear Anita

Thank you for your reply. I was really looking forward to it.

By saying ‘I want to move on’ I meant I would like to stop thinking about it, these words are coming back to me often, limiting me, slowing me down or even stopping completely. Since I was 16 I had suicidal thoughts, I have been experiencing mood fluctuations through my adult life. I feel constant regret of not being smarter, not doing more, not being able to care for myself better, for not knowing and be more self-aware when I was younger. I don’t think I can forgive, I don’t know how to do it, but I want to forget and stop being hurt.

7 years ago I packed up and moved down to a different part of the country, far enough to not to see them too often. Since then I was independent, in relationship, but they still treat me like a child. They have always been overprotective and know everything better, they are there to say ‘we told you, you never listen’, ‘We were right’.

Few weeks ago I had this conversation with my mum, I felt down and complained to her about how tough my life had recently been, and she said that I should stop doubting in myself…something in me snapped and I hinted why I may feel that way. Her response was that she doesn’t understand what I want from her, why I blame her for life decisions I made, that there is something wrong with me and I should go to see psychologist for some sort of therapy. I felt it is time to move on, not only physically but also mentally. I ignored her for couple of weeks as I felt unable to talk with her. You should know that I tend to avoid people if they hurt me, not see them at all, kick them out of my life completely, because it is hard for me to forgive and I feel physical pain when I even think about seeing them again. I have been blessed with boyfriend who loves me unconditionally and couple of true friends, who understand me and know me better than my sisters and who are there for me always no matter what, ready to listen about my miserable life. Now I don’t know what to do because my mum was trying to contact me and I sent her a message asking her to stop messaging me and calling because I don’t want to talk with her and don’t I have energy for that at the moment. In short, she replied something about me being silly and blaming her for decisions I have made in my life again.

You are right about living them behind and I feel better not talking with them, but I can’t ignore them forever. I am independent, hardworking, I achieved a lot in the past few years, graduated with very good grades from the college and now doing well at the university. I recently was offered an excellent placement opportunity. Still I feel it all is nothing, feel I have no skill and nothing to offer. This is why I would like to stop thinking about the past, it takes so much of my energy that I don’t have enough of it to be productive in the present and the future. I often find myself miserable and feel old.
I don’t blame my parents as I know it serves me nothing. I understand my parents’ childhood was not better than mine and they mimic their own parents. My mum once said to me that she doesn’t consider her mother to be a good mum, her dad was alcoholic, I see that she still is afraid of him and he stresses her out. I don’t want to be in the same place as her, but I am. My dad feels grudge to his mother for not treating him equally with his siblings. They both have siblings they don’t speak to at all and I had this relationship with my middle sister for years, which I am blamed for by my parents as well. I was nagged by my mum to change it. I did try few years ago to change it and I forgave my sister and then she again showed me how disrespectful to me she can be. I felt bad about not speaking to my younger sister for years and I got used to overthink it. One day I thought that even if she would be in my life again I would not be able to trust her so what is the point of her being in my life? This little thought made me feel better and helped me to move on, in the past I envied her life because she was doing better than me, traveled more than me and graduated from the university earlier than me, now my mind is slowly begin to not to care anymore. I still envy but other people’s lifes, their families, their looks, opportunities they had.

I am sorry for this post being that long again, but I felt need to share, to record it, to let someone’s wise eyes read my story. You said that the letter will not change it, they will not understand. Getting to them is a useless effort. What else do you think I can do to help myself? Would a therapy/ visit to psychologist really help? I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want pity. I am just refusing to drink this poison for my own good. The fact I am writing this here is a big step for me. I have started reading articles on Tiny Buddha and they help me in my self-improvement journey which is now exciting rather than painful.

Kind Regards.