Dear asia288:

In your post to me you wrote: “7 years ago I packed up and moved down to a different part of the country, far enough to not to see them too often. Since then I was independent, in relationship, but they still treat me like a child.” You moved away but were still in contact with them. My suggestion is that you move away and NOT be in any contact with them.

You wrote: ” these words are coming back to me often, limiting me, slowing me down or even stopping completely” These words your brain produces are the words your parents told you, now they are playing automatically in your brain. This is what I meant by the legacy of their abuse of you. After you move away having no contact with your parents, you will still need to heal from the legacy of their abuse of you, that is, the damage to you that they caused.

You wrote about your parents: ” They have always been overprotective” – they did not protect you from themselves, did they? And they have always been a source of danger to you.

You wrote about your mother: “Her response was that she doesn’t understand what I want from her, why I blame her for life decisions I made, that there is something wrong with me and I should go to see psychologist for some sort of therapy.” I understand what you want from your mother: you want her to love you. You blame her because she is guilty for abusing you, damaging you and in so doing affecting your ability to make good decisions in life. A human mother is not like a reptilian mother whose job is to lay an egg and be gone. and yes, I agree with her that you need therapy, after you cut all contact with her.

You wrote: “You are right about living them behind and I feel better not talking with them, but I can’t ignore them forever.” See, it does feel better to remove the source of abuse in your life. And yes, you can, oh, yes you can ignore them for the rest of your life. Of course you can. It feels difficult, almost impossible but in reality, it is very doable. I did it and many adult children have done it successfully. You can do it too.

You wrote: “I would like to stop thinking about the past”- for that purpose, cut contact with your parents. As long as you are in contact, not only will they remind you of the past, but the past keeps being the present.

You wrote: “I don’t blame my parents as I know it serves me nothing” It would serve you well if you really, really believed that they abused you and keep abusing you. If you blamed them for abusing you and believed you have been their victim all these years, why then.. you would be very open to cut contact with your abusers.

You wrote: “I understand my parents’ childhood was not better than mine and they mimic their own parents” Do you mean that your children should say the same about you if and when you are a parent? Do you expect to abuse your own children because it is .. okay to mimic your parents’ abusive behavior?

Regarding mimicking: your sister is probably mimicking the disrespect that your parents have been expressing to you all these years. She witnessed it many times and believes (like you) that you deserve it.

You wrote: “What else do you think I can do to help myself?” I think you should cut all contact with …anyone who is abusing and blatantly disrespecting you, that is your parents and your sister.
“Would a therapy/ visit to psychologist really help?” If the therapist is competent, caring and hard working, and if you attend therapy long enough and work hard, yes, it will help a whole lot.

You wrote: “I don’t want to hurt anyone” Do you mean you don’t want to hurt the people who are hurting you, your parents? If you cut contact with them, that would be the consequence of their abuse of you. It will not be you abusing them.

You wrote that you don’t want pity. Okay, but you do need help, good psychotherapy.

You wrote: “I have started reading articles on Tiny Buddha and they help me in my self-improvement journey which is now exciting rather than painful.” Problem is you should protect yourself from abuse. No amount of self improvement will make the abuse stop because their abuse of you was never about something wrong about you that you need to fix. And therapy work, unlike superficial self improvement work, will be exciting and painful. It will be painful. But as is, you are often miserable, aren’t you? Therapy will be a kind of pain leading to a better life.

Post again anytime.

anita