Hi Anita, Brie and all

Hope all is well!It’s another month of my recovery.
i bumped into her the other day, she was going back to her place by herself, i went up to her, and we talked a bit. she told me she just had dinner with that friend, the friend who cheated with her on me.
After we parted, we had a conversation via whatsapp, i have always imagined what I would say to her if I see her again, I just hoped it wouldn’t be as evil/wicked as the one we had when we parted. So told her i was grateful for her effort made during the time when we dated, and that i took my responsibilities for whatever i have not been doing well, those accusation that I made, I was mean and harsh at times etc.I also mentioned briefly that i was depressed and angry at everything in this world for a period of time.
She said she was feeling guilty and at the same time angry, angry at herself and me for not breaking up on the first time we said we should,so that this wouldn’t happen.
We did talk about some trivial things some days later, and eventually I said I tried to come back to give closure/answer/reconcile, but I sensed a wall that she built, and if that’s the case there was no point in trying. She quickly said she appreciated my goodwill but was not ready to talk, wishing me happy mid autumn festival and quickly closed the convo.
I finally managed to completely block both their facebooks, cleared all whatsapp messages and deleted her from my phone book, no checking if she or my friend was online whatsoever.
I haven’t heard from her for months and I have been giving her the benefit of doubts, thinking she might at least want to make peace? Acknowledged the effort we made and we did have some good times? And eventually what I heard was that she was angry with me. I might not love her enough, I might have done something wrong, but angry with me after months of calming down, while she was the one cheated? If I could take responsible for hurting her during the time that we were dating (which I think all relationships involved some kind of hurt inevitably, deliberate or non-deliberate), why couldn’t she?
And now, after handling the hurt of betrayal, the anger, the self-doubt(which all still exist from time to time), I am dealing with the end of this relationship, there is no room for misunderstanding. She has gone for real, and I think I am mourning it these days since when I recalled those happy/sad moments, I can go into depressed state.
And that can get me quite down at times. And from time to time, I was so afraid of getting back to when I was seriously depressed, I could sense that it was still here, I could cry in the office in the morning when no one was watching, and I yelled and shouted and cried last night when I was finally able to be alone.
Sometimes I can’t even figure out why, and what it is, it’s been months and it’s still haunting me.
Any thoughts or sharing? Helpful to hear some objective opinions.

Thanks for all the support, appreciate!
Chau