Dear Anita

I think you are right. One of my struggles is i am still caught in this self blame. I realized a pattern: 1) When I thought of the good things she did/how she said we would get married/stay together–> 2) I thought i did something to sabotage it(or else how would it go wrong?)–> 3) caught in this self-blame
And this relationship is indeed in the past, but i would still ask ‘why would this be in the past?””Should it stay in the past?” thinking of all the things that she said and she promised. They seem to just happened yesterday. and I Guess deep down I do want a long term relationship, so I do keep blaming myself for destroying, well, sort of, destroying it.
I think i need to let go of the habit of thinking of them, which i am trying to do so by deleting them from my life. I feel like I am stuck with feeling the feelings. Or may be i am just too used to missing/thinking of a person, now the place is empty and i need to fill that space.

Dear ccn
Thanks for your reply for reading the whole, I have written the whole story for these few months in here, must have taken you a lot of time to do so!
I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar, difficult path, and with the relationship being secretive it makes things a lot worse. I think same-sex relationship often carries some sort of shame, that we need to hide it here and there as if we have done something wrong. Makes it extra hard, but in fact, no, for me there is nothing wrong with it.
Sometime, I feel I have exhausted my friends, and they feel like you should have moved on. I guess finding someone who can understand is important.
and same as you, there are times when things are better and other worse. These days i try to go swim/jog every day. I think that helps me feel more grounded. It cleared the heaviness.
Do share your thoughts to CNN, i think as you said, it’s important to do so so as to release the stress and let go of unwanted feelings.

Thanks for all the input.
Appreciate it.
Chau