Dear greenshade:

Fitting your original post here with the second:

“When things are going well I get overwhelmingly anxious, like something bad is going to happen IMMEDIATELY or Im going to be punished somehow”- the punishment is your father’s response when you came back from friends. So at one point you connected having fun with friends/having a good time/ feeling good with punishment.

“The thought ‘how do I make this good stuff last, I must not mess it up’ starts playing through my head at such a furious pace I get a headache”- as a child you took responsibility for your father’s behavior. You didn’t know or understand manic behavior, mental illnesses and all that. As a child you figured you must have done something wrong. This is why you think “I must not mess it up”- as if it was you messing it up, not him.

“I also become paranoid that Im going to say something thats going to offend everyone when relationships are going well.”- again, as a child you took responsibility for your father’s behavior. You carry that false responsibility to the present, thinking it was you who offended your father (it was not!) and it is you who will offend others.

“I end up self sabotaging because I find the anxiety that accompanies good stuff happening harder to deal with than the pain of bad stuff happening.”- that makes sense, ending escalating anxiety by resolving the situation quickly.

anita