Dear Julia:

When someone suggested to your ex boyfriend that what he was doing was wrong, and the ex bf agreed, saying “I know”- that didn’t mean it bothered him to be wrong. He may have very well meant that he knows it is considered wrong by society, by others. But not by him.

It can be that what he considers wrong is for him to experience any kind of distress, and he will do anything not to. Looking into his childhood, into his anxiety, challenging his core beliefs, those things are distressing, uncomfortable, so he won’t do any of that stuff.

I think that your hope that one day he will change, look inside him, see the damage he causes others, is what keeps you emotionally invested in him. Did you experience this before, with another person in your life, a parent, maybe- hoping that person will see how he or she damaged you and care enough to change?

anita