Dear John:

Of course I have thoughts… You wrote: “I single handedly screwed this up”- I doubt it very much. I agree of course, that you have issues that you brought to this relationship. What I disagree with is that she didn’t.

I am yet to meet or read or hear of a person that does not.

You taking full responsibility, well, that is often admired, compared to people fully dishing it out, but neither is good for you or for the relationship.

Here are maybe clues to her issues- you wrote: “I’ve had a couple heated conversations with her”- the heat of those conversations, she produced some, didn’t she? Then, you wrote: “it’s her tone of voice when she asks questions about work and relationships with women”- you mentioned that tone a month ago or so. I tend to think that there is something in her tone that is covertly hostile. And you wrote: “She wrote back saying that I have amazing qualities and potential but that my problem is that..” Reads to me that she feels quite comfortable on that pedestal you put her on (maybe she was already established there, in her own mind), very comfortable to evaluate your potential and what your problem is. Don’t think she expressed to you her potential and the problems she need to work on?

Relax best you can, John. I am certain you are not seeing her problems and her untapped potential because you are so focused on your own. You are both in need of healing (yes), you are both helping and harming the budding relationship at different times. Share responsibility.

anita