Dear saskia:

I think the key sentence in your original post is: “But I am so sad I was not able to be bolder.”

Being bolder would have meant to dare to not appear “proper”, to not be “right” and “un-erring”, to not be “solid”. But instead, be spontaneous, free, to dare to rock the boat, to be passionate about you, about her, about life.

You wrote: “I wanted to be able to bring something definite and solid to the discussion and I did not feel definite or solid about this issue. Now I am thinking, why didn’t we have more of a discussion and arrived at something definite and solid together?”- exactly. Your need to be solid is so … not to be penetrated, so to speak, via emotional intimacy, like a solid surface, not allowing another to walk through, to get to know you.

You wrote that you couldn’t “fully relax in the relationship” and “”I am also definitely someone who needs time alone to recharge”- it takes effort to keep yourself solid, proper, un-erring…you have to stay alert, in control. No wonder you need to relax when alone.

“the same habit from my younger days”- didn’t change because you came out, because you were in a relationship with a woman, not a man. The challenge would be just that, to dare to break through those barriers, these limitations, to be careless, free, not cautious, in a relationship; to talk about anything, to practice your meditation even if she does not; to ask her any question that comes to your mind, open ended questions, both of you in a liquid/ flowing state (not solid)- emotional intimacy.

What do you think?

anita