Hi Anita,

Thank you for your wise words…i needed to talk it out. And i hope you feel better too. The patience is the hardest thing, others have told me too but they have also said its going to be very hard for me living where i do.

i have just had this feeling of panic and a knot in my stomach that turns to pain, in know its just heartache but i feel worn down by it sometimes. So i was walking a lot, just really trying to get away from everything. i have lost a lot of weight because of it with or without the walking. All the anxiety.

I havent contacted my ex but can’t shake the feeling that we should be together. its stupid but there it is. I do have things i do during the day where i dont think about him but as soon as everything is done i am back going over everything, while i am walking it runs around my head. And it feels like an engine revving constantly inside, i must get something done, i must move forward.

I guess when i feel worst, it is acute and i need help…when i am calmer i can look at it with more patience, think about bending and not breaking, sit with my loneliness instead of howl about it. I am not a cryer really, just in those first days but i dont usually. But patience is a difficult thing for me now..at this point in my life where i feel others were already taken care of, im still waiting for some high point but instead just struggle on.

I used to have a friend who contacted me when she had achieved things: career, promotion, bought a house, marriage, baby all in that order..she listed her success and then asked me how i was doing, it was always pointlessly competitive because i never got any of those things but i felt she was making herself feel better by seeing i wasn’t getting anywhere. Eventually i had to cut her out of my life because i realised she always made me feel bad after seeing her and she had been an old friend so it was a hard choice to make. This was years ago now, she got all those things within about 5 years..i am still trying. It makes me feel bad, we are all judged by achievements.

I know that no matter how i twist and turn in it, my ex doesnt love me the way i loved him. As much as i wanted him to, he couldnt commit either. While he gave me a lot in return; encouraged me, supported me, loved me..i have to accept that he also had the capacity to be cruel and unfair. I am also a very sensitive person so it could hit hard. Then when the smoke cleared i would see he was reacting childishly or selfishly. I dont understand his problems, why he cant open up more, why he doesnt trust but i guess i never will.

I compare this with the guy i lived with for 7 years, who i sort of fell into a relationship with because i was alone and then found myself stifled and bored, it was the opposite. No passion, no excitement whatsoever, no moving forward and insecurity so that i felt i had to stand in front of him. His parents were controlling and he always gave in to their demands. I spent too long with him, i got very depressed. Literally the only thing he could give me was the commitment.

I am so used to being alone really..not by choice.