Dear Trixy:

Understandably, you have a difficult time with his sister and with her influence over your boyfriend. Reads to me that you have been practicing lots of patience regarding this significant 3 months per year issue.

I suppose things run smoothly when she is not present because what she brings into the situation is aggression. Things can’t run smoothly when aggression is involved.

Your boyfriend, no matter how old he is and what assertiveness he may practice in his professional life is … well, not assertive with her. Somehow during their growing up years (those Formative Years), she took on the dominant role to him (and others), and he- the submissive role to her.

What to do?  Short term competent psychotherapy, a few sessions (maybe in the context of a couple therapy with you… I assume the sister will not be a willing participant)- where he will gain some insight into this dominant/ submissive relationship and learn some assertiveness skills to practice with her.

If I was you, my attitude with him on the matter will be gentle. I would be as calm as I can be. His sister is disrespectful, pushy, demanding; I would be respectful, patient, always respectful of his right to make his own choices.

The situation with his sister would be unacceptable to me, simply something very difficult to endure. I would aim toward a resolution. He has to change the dynamic.

I don’t think there is anything at all you can do by communicating with his sister because her-way-or-the-highway MO works for her. Your only chance is to communicate with him because he may be tired at times accommodating her, he may be resentful of “having to” accommodate her. His discontent with the present (and lifetime) dynamics with her, will make his motivation to change it possible. She is not likely to be motivated.

Your thoughts?

anita