Dear tiny lantern:

Regarding the last guy: you wrote that he assumed your life was the same as his. People do make assumptions, often being wrong. This is why honest communication is important- you can let a person know how it really is or has been for you. Your true information will replace the wrong assumptions.

But it is possible that his assumption was correct- maybe he too was a lonely child. Maybe you had a lot in common, but you made the assumption, the wrong assumption perhaps, that his experience was not like yours. Maybe he needed attention and closeness as intensely as you did,  and it didn’t happen.

You wrote that you felt ashamed opening up about your “failures” being brought up neglected- but it was not your failures. When a child is neglected, it is the failure of the parents, not the child’s.

You were worried that if you tell him about your life he would reject you. But what was the benefit of you not sharing with him? You are not together with him, are you… There would have been no loss to you if you did share the truth with him. Possibly, there could have been a great gain: that closeness you need so much

You wrote that at one point “he felt i was too needy I think”- that is your assumption. As if being needy is a faulty character. As if it is not natural to need love.

When he said he just wants  to get to know you- he was on the right track. He was correct: one does need to know a person before committing to that person.

In your last post you wrote that you could reconnect with him, but you don’t want to come across as needy. But, tiny lantern, there is nothing wrong or unnatural about being needy. He is needy too. A healthy, loving relationship is when two people are okay with being needy and they two do their best to give each other what they need: attention, kindness.

The advice given to you by your male relatives is wrong. A guy should get to know a woman first before committing. A woman should know a guy before committing, don’t you think?

If I was you, I would contact this guy, but I would share with him authentically, so he knows you are available, that you are okay with you being needy. That would mean that you are okay with him being needy.

It would be scary to contact him, but other than those feelings, in practicality, in real life, you have absolutely nothing to lose and you have the possibility to gain a whole lot.

If you choose to contact him and you need advice regarding how to do so, let me know.

anita