Anita,

I’m monitored heavily in my current position so I’m not able to step away except during approved and short periods of times that we’re assigned. There is a lot I could change as far as managing my time after work rather than predominantly spending evenings with my family or boyfriend or running errands; seldom have time for myself but I see that’s been my choice. My fear is not in staying in the job (this time), I know I could but it’s not what I want; years past I would leave jobs overwhelmed due to inexperience, which is luckily not the case anymore. My fear is in trusting myself enough to leave. Believing it’s okay, that I will get a job, that it’s not a defect or emotional issue causing my desire to leave but rather a job I dislike and that’s ok.

I believe my mom and dad are happy together now, but that was not the case during my childhood. They lived on very little and my moms spending created a lot of problems the details of which we were privy. I was often scared they’d lose their house and/or divorce. During this time my mom impressed upon me the importance of taking care of myself and not looking to depend on anyone else. She had no help from her parents and after being told she’d have to pay rent at 17 she moved out. By 21 she and my dad were married and she depended on him. They could not afford to divorce back then, and that was when I knew marriage and kids weren’t for me. Fear of being trapped have been profound Throughout my life and financial fear runs deep. My parents also frequently pointed out how something I was interested in might fail. I know it was from a place of concern but they passed their fears on to me; financial, interpersonal, second guessing self, etc.

My fear in letting my mom down far preceded her illness. I was a wreck less adolescent and needless to say when I arrived in AA I definitely needed to be there. But over the last 3 years a lot has changed internally and I’m far more capable of setting boundaries, etc, which a lack of ability to do so years ago caused me to burn out quickly in inpatient setting jobs. I had wanted to move away years ago but I felt guilty and stayed. In hindsight that was a good thing but I make so many decisions based on the needs or opinions of others. I feel myself slowly becoming aware of my most deep rooted fears on a more objective plane where I hope I can start changing my behavior around them.

My thouhts are all over so I hope that wasn’t too flighty!