Hi, I am new on here, and can identify. Howver, what is embarrassing, is that most of the men I met were in person. Due to a very traumatic and neglectful childhood from an Alcoholic Mother, who would leave us alone while she went on drinking binges, and a father who had to travel alot, my siblings and I had a very chaotic, unstable, turbulent childhood. The courts took us away, but by then I was six years old, and although I was adopted by a very loving family the damage had been done.

I In my adult life, I find myself unable to sustain any kind of long term relationship. They are chaotic, intense on my part, I am clingy, co-dependent, have an intense fear of abandonment and perceived rejection. I do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. I want one so bad, but chaos is all I know. I am in intensive therapy and two 12 step programs. Even though my relationships barely make it over a year, the loss devastates me, and it takes me years to get over that person. I obsess over “what could have been” and what being in love was like and the brief moments of joy I felt.

Then, I started to get on social media sites and started to enjoy men writing to me and paying me compliments. I then started forming on-line romances with these men, even when they lived outside the United States. I knew I would never meet them..but I enjoyed yet again, the feelings these men have me..and being in love and the emotional attachment. I then met this man back in September on-line. He was quite a bit younger than me..but there was something about him..I don’t know, but I fell hard and envisioned a future with him, as he said he wanted to move to States, but I found out he was just using me to try to get here, and I finally left him. I don’t want him back, we would never meet anyway, but I miss how I felt around him. I get mad at myself, because he used me and I still can’t get him out of my head. It is so difficult. I live in a small town, and it is all married people. I am on a small fixed income right now, and can’t afford a dating site..so I am stuck. It’s very frustrating when you can’t get someone out of your heart and head.