Dear Anita,

thank you for your reply. I also understand and tried to find why I allowed all this and kept talking to him all this time. I had a talk with my psychotherapist and after some discussions I saw that I didn’t want to be with him again as I still had open wounds from the way he had treated me in the past and the break up and a new try would only made me sad. I saw that I also confuse pain with love (I pain, so I am in love). We kept talking all this time even apart and now I know that my final NO, will terminate everything completely and I will miss a lot -not a lover- but a friend and I feel in pain. I also feel guilt and shame for my feeling.  And I have a general problem in saying NO to people knowing I will hurt them or disappoint them so I always try to be gentle and go things slowly. Oh I have many issues I guess 🙂

After your post here, I tried to see, If indeed a part of me wants to have this relationship, but once I try it I see that I can not. I will miss my friend – but not the boyfriend. If he now would come to tell me he is dating another girl and he is happy, I would be also happy – I would feel guilty free and I could move on.

I know I have made so many mistakes – even If I try not to punish or blame myself, I see myself 4 months ago that I was smiling and I see now how bad I am and I simply can’t stop blame my weaknesses for this 🙁

Thanks Anita once again for your help here. I still try to understand ME through all this mess – I hope this will be a valuable lesson to be learned.