My therapist has taught, explained and encouraged me through out the therapy sessions that lead me a more understanding of why I’d carried those fears of being  neglected and mistreated for 16 years by my ex best friend. My ex took advantage of my love for her because she herself is/was a lonely person. She wasn’t close to anyone but me. She was selfish and careless of my own feelings for her cause she wanted the attention even though she had no interest in me whatsoever.

My ex and i grew up together, we both relied on each others needs when in actuality we were both of us are toxic. She wanted my full attention when she craved it and I wanted love from her cause I’d care for her and loved her. I became obsessed with trying to please her to  receive the love I wanted from her platonically and romantically. My ex was my first love (per say), I never experienced romantic feelings before and she was my first and I realized at the time I was coming out to be a lesbian. It was difficult and scary to expect my own sexuality because I never thought I am gay and I hated myself for not loving myself for who I am do to society and growing up in a  religious  home. It took time for me to expect myself fully before coming out to my loved ones. I didnt come out until i was 27 after befriending my first gay friends few years back. I don’t have that many close friends only the ones I grew up with and my ex was one of them.

When I explained my life to my current friend last year and the heartache. She was willing to be by my side everyday while I just wanted to be left alone. I didnt understand why she wanted me in her life when we are miles apart. I let her in yet I was still afraid she’ll break my heart like my ex and many other past friends that took advantage of my friendship. As time went on I realized my current friend has no intentions to ever take advantage of me but to be my long distance friend. So i eventually took her in by letting her in my life.

As of now, I want her in my life forever and I want to meet this young woman in person who helped me move on from my past. I’m not expecting anything from her only her true friendship. It’ll hurt me the most if she was using me more than not wanting a relationship with me. All i ever want is true friendship, romantic relationships is on my mind on the other hand I just want people who love me for me in my life more than anything.