Hi Desperate,

I completely feel for you, I’ve been there, I’m still there, but a little further along on the road and maybe I can help you with some of what I have learned since my ex dumped me.  You situation sounds a lot like mine, and I reacted much the same as you at first.  I thought I was going to die when it all started and I longed for it and I thought that I was broken so badly I couldn’t ever be fixed.  And like you, the way it happened was so scary and I felt so alone and so unloved and my mind just wouldn’t shut off.  I was continually trying to figure out what I did that was so bad and honestly, I couldn’t find what it was.

I started searching on the internet because I couldn’t even talk to people, no one believed that it could happen like it did and they all thought I was either crazy or just being spiteful and making him the bad guy.  I ended up with no one at all to talk to about what was going on either and again I didn’t know how I could live without even a friend to count on.  But like I said, I started doing a lot of reading and asking questions and I found out that my husband has a personality disorder.  Narcissism.  Yes, it’s real and it absolutely the worst thing I think a person can go through.  Your husband sounds a lot like mine.  He went from being a loving, or what I thought was loving husband to someone I didn’t know anymore.  He hated me, I could see it in his eyes and although he didn’t say those exact words, he left no doubt that he could care less about me.  And I came to find out later that he didn’t even know what love was.  I know this sounds so awful and it hurts so badly to think about them like that, but it happened to me and I have found out that there are a lot of people going through this exact same thing.       I’m not sure how long you were married, I was for 17 years and thought we had made it that far, we could go the distance, but that’s not how it worked out and I’m still fighting to understand it, to maybe get some closure at least, but he isn’t sorry, he takes no responsibility for any part of our divorce, he completely blames me.  Anyway, there is some very good information out there and you can check it out and maybe see if he has the same problem my ex does.  Either way you need to find a direction to go and this might help you figure out your next step.

Here are a couple of links that might help you figure out whats going on.

Narcissistic Abuse Recovery & Self-Empowerment

The above one has a lot of articles and information.

When Someone You Love is Toxic – How to Let Go, Without Guilt

This one has some great information too and there are people to talk to in the reply section that can really help you understand and let you know you aren’t alone.

And you can keep in touch with me here too, I know there is some good information right on this website as well.

Just know that you aren’t alone in this and it will get better, I promise.

Pam