Dear noah:

I re-read your posts in efforts to get a better understanding.

In a later post you wrote: “I learned that love is not just a feeling, it is a commitment, and dedication. … I learned to be honest with myself and others”

I believe you did indeed start the process of learning these things. I used the word process, because your learning is still ongoing. The confusion you mentioned, I believe, comes from not realizing that you are still in the process, that the learning is not finished.

When your present girlfriend threatened suicide, you emotionally reacted this way: “it tore me up inside and I slowly started to develop different emotions for her. I felt that I was falling in love with her”- you figured she really loved you, if she suffered that much as to consider suicide, correct?

Later on in the present relationship, you wrote: “on the inside I felt my feelings for start to go away and I cant explain why”- there is a valid reason for every feeling, a message it sends us. When you can’t explain why, it doesn’t mean there is no reason; it only means you don’t know what it is.

Both parties in a relationship need to be willing to learn and heal, and clearly you and your present girlfriend need to do both. Individual healing can be done in the context of the relationship, the two of you helping each other, or healing may be possible only following a breakup. Your lying to the ex and the present girlfriend secretly following your Facebook indicate no such helping-each-other.

It is not your present girlfriend suffering over a potential breakup that indicates her love for you,  it is her motivation and sincere interest in her individual healing in the context of the relationship that is the promising factor.

anita