Dear Stacey:

You wrote: “I want to be someone who is positive and brings positivity to those around me. Life is too short to constantly be blaming others and even to be blaming myself for things that happen or don’t happen. I just want to focus on the future and achieve my goals and appreciate those who come along for the ride with me.”- this is an excellent intent. A good beginning.

For a negative person to become positive, the short way is to pretend to be positive, but that can’t be sustained long term.

For a negative person to become positive long term, the hurt inside, the hurt and fear that keeps popping up needs to be confronted, understood, accepted with self-empathy, relaxed into and so, resolved.

You wrote: “despite my best efforts, I am always and constantly looking for more.. My ex made me very happy towards the beginning, and I almost couldn’t believe how perfect I felt…(and later) If he was late to something…Didn’t get me a gift that I liked…If he wanted to do anything I felt was ‘a waste of time’ …I would get very angry”-

This is what happened (quote above), according to my understanding: the pre-existing hurt and fear in you kept coming to the surface, demanding resolution. A child looks up to a parent for resolution of distress and is, indeed, dependent on the parent for such resolution. In a similar way, you looked up to your ex boyfriend for such a resolution. Such resolution did not take place, so you … helped him along by pointing to him what he was doing wrong, so he can fix it and resolve the distress for you. You showed him you were angry, so that he will take notice and resolve the distress for you. Much like a child throwing fits.

Not having confronted your distress, not adequately anyway, you figured: I am distressed because he was late, because he didn’t get me the right gift, because he is selfish… because he is not going to college, because he is not paying for all the dating expenses. All along, the reasons for your distress predated him being in your life.

If you agree, would you like to share about the reasons for your distress (hurt and fear, primary; anger, secondary) which predated your ex entering your life in 2014?

anita