Dear Amaya:

I re-read your original post in light of recent posts. This is my understanding of the relationship:

1. Regarding the issue of physical affection, you being significantly more tactile and sexual than he is: if you are choosing to be in a relationship with him, then this is something you have to accept about him, no longer trying to change about him (patiently or impatiently), no longer complaining to him about it and, no longer mistreating him over it by saying “I’ve had more adventurous sex with other people than you”. It is not his fault or his wrong doing, not being as tactile or sexual as you are, and so, it is wrong for you to behave with him as if he was doing you wrong.

2. Regarding the issue of aggression- it is practiced on both sides, in both directions. You screamed at him, kicked and hit him. And he is aggressive toward you with his repeating joking and with his tone of voice. These jokes are verbal acts of disrespect and mistreatment of you. They are not “the smallest things” you referred to. The fact that he jokes in a similar way with all his friends only means that they too are willing (and shouldn’t be willing) to be mistreated by him.

In your last post you asked how do you make him stop this joking. You can offer him what I call “a zero aggression policy” in your relationship: no aggression on either side. No overt aggression and no convert aggression, no aggression hidden in a brand of humor and no aggression as audible as shouting. None.

If the two of you cannot maintain such a policy, better end the relationship.

anita