[Sept 25, 2017]

Gyunnie,

Today is a very hard day for me.

Someone in our university had committed suici** by jumping off from the Liberal Arts building.

So much for a prestige university.

My heart dropped when I saw the police and fire man in front of the building, I heard that it was a girl who jumped off.

Seeing something …. so real, it scares me. Very much.

I am scared that I will end up like that.

I am even more scared because I can imagine myself doing the same thing.

It is getting worse and worse as I think deeper,

what is the point of searching for that halo?

I realise how I have so many anger inside of me. I do not know why am I so angry or to whom am I angry at, maybe mostly God – for taking you away from me and I am also mad at … life.

I never asked to be alive yet here I am.

I am fighting everyday to live, but I have this really pure anger that makes me hate everyone.

I wish that every single person that I dislike can disappear or go to hell. I wish they would suffer 100x times more than I have ever did in my 19 years of life.

I will let them suffer if I can be happy again. I will step on them if it makes me happy again.

It sounds really bad, I know – but I do not know why I feel like this.

I shut off people from my life because I hate them. I hate seeing them happy and somehow being oblivious to sadness. to pain.

When all I can feel right now is pain and sadness.

It isn’t fair – why am I suffering so much?

Maybe you are disappointed at me if you ever find out about this letter but I cannot take it any longer

It makes me sick and mad. I am very angry because I am jealous of you, Gyunnie.

You are so lucky to have such an amazing parents that let you move college when you were so depressed because mine will never allow me to.

I am so jealous because you got a chance to start a new but I do not have the chance.

WHY?

Why can’t I start new just like you as well? Why can’t I listen to songs about changing may address or crossing to the next point of my life and being content about it?

Why can’t I have someone like me, who will support me when I said that I wanted to move school?

Why can’t I have someone that will love me as much as I love you?

WHY?

Do I have to disappear and end it all for real so people will UNDERSTAND how they should understand their children more?

To realise that their children is more important than their pride and money?

To understand that sometimes … you need to take people`s story seriously and listen to them.

I sound all over the place, and I sound like a big bad monster – but I am very tired.

I want to end it all. I want to end it, so people will understand. Because people will never learn, until someone decided to gave them the warning, the reminder that you should NEVER dismiss someone`s struggle, ever.

-Mina