Hi Anita,

Your last post helped me to untie a lot of the knots that I felt in my heart and answers to the various questions I have been mulling over 🙂

Okay, thanks for validating that it is alright to have a hope and I guess you are right in saying that as of now, he is the “face” of what I envision in a loving, functioning relationship. He was the one who gave me the first experience/glimpse of what a loving, functioning relationship is like and thus it is strongly attached to the image of him.

Ahh, it is so true that he is abusive to himself and it would not be easy to watch him do that to himself and overtime it will be draining to me as well. I did also experience that in the time I was with him when I saw how he put himself through the family situation. And that was an interesting point that I am “similar perhaps to him feeling it would be wrong for him to run away from his family“. As much as I want him to step away from his situation, I should be saying the same to myself too.

I would certainly supplement my thoughts with “I would have helped him if it was possible. I wish I could help him. But I can’t.I would have helped him if it was possible. I wish I could help him. But I can’t.” And I know I would have helped him if it was possible. But I can only be there for someone who wants me to be there for him. So it is not like I am walking away from someone who needs my help. He pushed me away and it was not my choice to not be there for him.

Thanks for still thinking of our situations while you are away from the computer!

So yes, I think I just have to remember that it is not possible for me and him to have another chance to build a loving, functioning, win-win relationship, unless he has worked through his unjustified guilt. 

And what is in bold and italics is the crux.

It has to happen before anything else can happen.