X,

It is so nice to get to that point when all is done, and a little relaxation can be had without anything hanging over your head. I love those weekends

This is partly because their testosterone levels drop below normal. As a result, men often withdraw to recoop. They need to remember their independence and do “guy stuff” in order to rebuild their testosterone to normal levels. That’s when they are ready to come back to you. Turns out this is all very normal for the regular guy. Too much closeness can cause him to retreat and this is a direct results of his hormones.”

So… Would this be true for you as a man?

So true, the testosterone dropping, and needing some me time,  I can feel when I get to the point when I need some time. Usually I will go for a hike, get out into nature, exercise, paint, edit some of my photos. I think for me having the alone time is most important. The other interesting thing that I have felt is that now that I am eating a healthier diet, meaning much more aware of the sugar and Carbs that I eat and substantial increase in healthy fat, that testosterone dip doesn’t happen nearly as often.

Question,  so this guy that you have the Chemistry with, has an ex-wife he has kids with, you as a mistress for  a time, and now a current wife?

I am certainly not in love with him. I don’t even know him well – we did discuss nearly everything in writing, but it is not the same as getting to know the person in everyday life, even our regular communication lasted for four months.

I am willing to understand and forget his behaving as if he was falling for me and then basically ghosting on me. I can very well see how intense prolonged stress at home could be the root of it.

This kinda strikes me as something that Jay may say in the future once all of this is said and done. When you are married, stress in the house is so overwhelming because there feels like no escape sometimes. You can’t just go into hiding like when you are single. There is always something that needs to be done, decisions that need to be made between two people. Anger/sadness/neglect all become amplified because that person is always present. I believe that is why marriage is so much work. I have learned that letting those emotions fester is a very dangerous game.

But I still can’t forget how much chemistry we had, how good it felt to be cuddling with him and, OMG, how witty our chats were, it felt as if fireworks were crackling all around when we chatted! And we discussed some pretty serious things, too, so that also adds to my bewilderment as to how somebody, who feels things so deeply, could behave like that.

One of the same questions I have concerning my wife, but I think a sort of compartmentalization occurs, and from some of the ways that she worded things, it felt like she is talking to Jay from a very different part of her pshyche. One that is not connected in any way to our day to day life. Not quite a fantasy world, because she is very much the same person, but from a place where she can not be concerned about the other roles that she has in our life. I am not sure that makes sense but it is a thought

Pity I haven’t met him in person since August 2016 – I am sure I would know if we met face to face. But he is still in the area, so who knows-?…

I would say that meeting face to face would be the true tell, but I would also say that unfortunately to carrying all of the risk in that situation. I mean the fireworks could still be amazing, and the best case scenario would be that it would spark something in him to acknowledge feelings. But the downside is that it would leave everything up in the air again and you would continue having to deal with these unanswered feelings and maybe something that can’t ever be fully explored.

So I wonder, if there is any way you can dig it up in your psyche and heart, how you managed not to forget her and, at the same time, how you managed to be with somebody else (and kind of compare them to her) if you still remembered her?

It wasn’t ever conscious, But the thoughts always came after that initial honeymoon period of new relationships started to wane. When the relationships started getting comfortable, the feelings would always sneak up, and most of the time it ended up being the start of the end of the current relationship. Like one relationship got really serious, we had a great relationship, amazing chemistry, but something just wasn’t there. I don’t know that I can explain it in words. Did you ever have a favorite blanket growing up, one with a silky edge. I did and even though all four corners were exactly the same, there was only one of the corners that I liked to rub on my cheek. why that corner, I don’t know there was just something about it. Maybe I could feel the difference in the way that she loved me, I will have to think on this a little more and get back to you.

I also wonder (and forgive me for the way I put this) why you are not afraid or, rather, ashamed to acknowledge that you love your wife so much, to the point of willing to try an open marriage? (At least, were; hopefully, this is no longer the case.) Or you were able to do it only because no one knows who you are on Tiny Buddha? And you wouldn’t be mentioning this to your male friends for fear of being ridiculed? Or they would understand and not ridicule you for this?

Clarify for me…

I needed a sounding board to discuss feelings concerning the possibility of my wife being intimate with another man. I think I know what my friends would say about this. That would stick up for me and tell me that I needed to think about getting a divorce and letting this relationship go. I don’t think I could get the conversation that I am having with you from my friends. I don’t think ridicule would be the response, I think they would be concerned. I needed a space where I could explore whether  a) the jealousy I was feeling was healthy, or if it meant that I should get out of my marriage b) or not a marriage is worth keeping if the two people are open and honest with each other c) if I should still love my wife knowing what I know d) if being intimate with someone else proved that yo don’t love the other person anymore. There are lots of layers, speaking to my friends about it didn’t make sense because I didn’t actually have the total picture as to what I needed to understand.

And, since you seem to be such a perfect specimen (no offence intended) of a loving husband and doting father, I would like to hear your thoughts on the following

Thank-you so much but I am far from a perfect specimen, I have flaws. I have not been the greatest husband or father at times, but I try. I do believe I understand what you are saying though so I will try

So I would be grateful if you could elaborate a bit more on how different your feelings towards your daughter are from those for your wife and why somebody like me needs not to be afraid of having children if their father is somebody like you?

Oh man, kids, this could be hours and hours of writing. I have a very unique perspective since I am not only raising my child, but I am also raising my wifes son from a different man. When my wife and I first got together our son was 7, we had a period of growth between the two of us. His mom had been single, raising him, one other serious relationship who raised our son for a few years, but for the most part it was him and his mother. And now I get involved. I had to work hard to show him that I wasn’t trying to take his mother away from him. We  had to work to build a relationship and do those things that build a strong bond so we could trust each other. it took time, but I love him like my own and want to show him how to be a man and succeed at life. I learned that life was no longer just about me, I had this new feeling of having to take care of someone who could not totally take care of them-self. Then our daughter came and that is when my whole life got turned upside down. Our daughter was almost 4 weeks early and she was tiny, but the feelings that came with her were so powerful. You get this sense that it is no longer about you, nothing else matters except the health and safety of this tiny human being. And that is where the difference between my feelings towards my wife and kids lie. You see my wife is my partner in crime, I need her to be with me. I need her to allow me to be myself. I need her to be there to complete me, to support me, to help me grow. With the kids, I love them with everything in this world in order to provide them with what they need to grow into productive responsible adults. That feeling is so amazing and so different. Having kids is scary, there is a lot of bad shit in this world, my wife and I see things everyday that scare the crap out of us. But you will never understand the joy that you feel the first time your child looks you straight in the eyes and says “I love you”, or the happiness seeing your child realize things, or the absolute panic you get the first time you see them fall down and really hurt themselves. I guess living with the wonder and amazement that I get to feel everyday makes it worth more than anything else in the world. I will have a better thought out answer for you later because there is so much more. Having a kid changes everything, including the relationship with your spouse. And that also adds additional stress to your marriage. Love and marriage is all about time, learning how to budget time is the most important skill to raising a family and having a successful marriage.

I will go and take a look at your other post now

Have a great night

Matt