The feeling is one where I think of her, and I know that it will not work out anymore. The reason I know this is because she told me she does not want to work it out, and a relationship requires two to be fully committed. Other people have repeatedly told me that – and I fully agree.

But a part of me is still holding out, and still holding on to the hope that she might want to try again. What I know is logical, it’s cold. What I want, this hope – this is illogical and emotional. I do not want to get tied up in this hope, yet somehow it is making me feel ‘better’. In a way, I like crying over her. I like knowing that a part of me is still holding on to her. I know this is really bad too, because feeling like this is accompanied with other really bad feelings. I have thoughts about quitting my graduate program and ending my life.

I think I’m feeling like this once every week or so. The last time I felt like this was the days immediately following the break up – where I had completely lost the will to live.