Dear Cali Chica:

Good focus. It is possible and doable for you to not abuse others while being in contact with your mother. It is the principle of do-no-harm. That will take your ability and willingness to suffer without lashing out; to suffer and not to inflict suffering on someone else. Suffer and intently, pause, hold it in, feel it, and … do not react. Practice and it will get easier.

Your interactions with your mother though is in a different category: she is the one who inflicted abuse on you (and on your sister) and she is in the business of maintaining that abuse. If you argue with her, if you lose your temper, it is not in the same category of lashing out at a person innocent of the abuse you suffered.

I am not recommending acting aggressively toward her. I am saying she is in a different category. If you gave me examples of an interaction with her where you are unhappy with your behavior toward her, maybe (I am not at all sure), I can suggest a reaction. Maybe.

anita