Dear Anita,
So sorry for the late reply, I was taking my time to embrace this sadness. I don’t know but it doesn’t seemed like its getting better. I thought it’s gonna get better but I am still feeling very depressed. I’m depressed for not loving myself enough, well more like angry at myself. I kept thinking about the what ifs, what if I know how to love myself, non of this would have happened. I wouldnt hurt her my ex so much. All the what ifs, I know it’s not helping but this guilt feels like its slowly eating me up inside.
And today, I felt something that I have never felt before, I went to the gym and there was this big dude who came to me ask me if we can share the equipment. He was being quite rude, but i was nice enough to offer him to share. Then this big dude rudely ask me to put on the weights for him without saying please and thank you. He treated me like a slave like i was nobody. But you know what I did? I followed his instructions, but inside I was really boiling. I can feel this anger inside of me waiting to just come out. But i stopped myself from unleashing this anger because I know it wouldnt end well. So pathetic. After I left the gym, I felt this tremendous anger towards myself, telling myself ” YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO DEFEND YOURSELF!!” what the fuck was I thinking? I just kept quiet and just follow his instruction like a dog. I’m so angry!! I have never felt this angry before!!!I FEEL LIKE IM going nuts!!! I’m so angry but helpless!!! WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF??!!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 